Did you see the story on the news about the superhero 4-year-old who’s demonstrating empathy?

“What you do every day should contribute to giving your life meaning. If it doesn’t, why are you doing it?” — Don Hutcheson

My friend and I were talking about a terrible ordeal his family was experiencing. His wife’s mother has lived with them for over 20 years. She is like a mother to him, taking care of everyone’s needs in the house. She has been diagnosed with a terminal cancer. Treatments are happening, but it is a hard, hard journey. His voice trembled trying to find just a little bit of hope as he told their story.

I tried to be encouraging. Don’t think about what might happen in the days to come. Don’t lose today. Find the blessing in this moment, this day. Encourage her to share her stories with your daughter. You do the same, talk about what she means to you.

“We must learn to regard people less in the light of what they do or omit to do, and more in the light of what they suffer.” ― Dietrich Bonhoeffer

As I think about the people in my life who don’t seem to have a full tank of empathy it always causes me to get mad first, next comes a rain storm of self pity. Maybe a day later I try to pause to reflect.  How do I stop making situations about me and start to think and act toward others – first?

Empathy isn’t that easy. Before you beat yourself up for being too filled up with self pity or too insensitive to everyone around you, consider some of the steps your brain and heart have to go through to really put empathy into full effect. Those who study this human practice have discovered three important dimensions that help us to understand, connect and better help others.

The first is easy to understand, it’s called Emotional Empathy. This describes your ability and willingness to share/understand how someone else feels in particular situations. Our connection to others is so often one that’s based on common feelings. But sometimes it can be difficult for men and women to be empathetic toward each other. They often have different emotional alphabets.

Empathetic Accuracy is a cognitive part of the equation. You have to know what someone else is going through. That doesn’t happen if conversations aren’t occurring or there’s too much discomfort about asking real questions. It’s impossible to be empathetic if you remain  safely disconnected from people and their situations. Do you think our communication revolution has improved this sort of accuracy?

Nothing is going to happen if you don’t really care.  Empathetic Concern is the essential dimension that describes our will. Do you care enough to think about someone else, to engage your feelings? I think this is the driving force that makes empathy work in my life. I’m trying to get better about this by refusing to jump to conclusions, listening more carefully and even praying for some understanding.

“Love is about bottomless empathy, born out of the heart’s revelation that another person is every bit as real as you are. And this is why love, as I understand it, is always specific. Trying to love all of humanity may be a worthy endeavor, but, in a funny way, it keeps the focus on the self, on the self’s own moral or spiritual well-being. Whereas, to love a specific person, and to identify with his or her struggles and joys as if they were your own, you have to surrender some of your self.” ― Jonathan Franzen

So what’s something you could do today to raise your empathy score? Thinking about it doesn’t really help someone make it another step. Who needs something from you right now, not some time in the mysterious future, but now?

“The afternoon knows what the morning never suspected.” ― Robert Frost

Anyone out there experiencing signs of the afternoon arriving?

I drink a cup of coffee several times a day now. I never used to do that. Never. I sometimes wonder if I’m unconsciously paying homage to loved ones recently gone to heaven. My young adult years were spent surrounded by coffee guzzlers. My kids handed down their one cup at a time coffee maker to me, that helps as well.

I know that a lot goes on in our unconscious. There’s not enough space to pay attention to everything at the same time all at once.

The other day I was showing my yard guy a little brown box that had been delivered and was sitting on the welcome mat. It contained my Pill Pack. I think it’s the greatest invention since air conditioning. Every day’s dosage all packed in a convenient little plastic envelope. No more trying to sort out all those pills into narrow weekly squares – and search for stragglers on the floor. I don’t even really have to think about it.

While I was boasting of the ingenuity of it all, he couldn’t get past the fact that I was having to take all those pills every day. What was wrong with me, he must have been thinking. I didn’t appear that infirmed to him. What does he know!

“Wisdom comes with winters” ― Oscar Wilde

What did happen to me? I woke up one day and found myself swallowing a handful of pills. Now I’m choking down my fruits and vegetables in capsule format. When I went from wearing reading glasses to having to have a prescription I panicked and asked my doctor what went wrong? Was I not drinking enough water? Too much TV? Air pollution? She gently put her hand on my shoulder and said, you’re just old. 

What made you realize you were getting older? Not necessarily “infirmed” but, what were some of the memorable milestones along your journey of life? Driver’s License, first real paycheck, bringing that baby home from the hospital, getting glasses, having teenagers driving off in your car, starting to think about fiber, medical check-ups with uncomfortable issues?

“You don’t stop laughing when you grow old, you grow old when you stop laughing.” ― George Bernard Shaw

Do you ever feel as if you’re trapped in your routines?

Last week I realized that I’m getting religious about watching the news. Now THAT sounds like something old people do. I wake up and turn it on and I get home and turn it on. Since I’m watching the same channel – it seems like they are replaying the morning stories at night! There’s not as much really happening as the 24-hour constant flood of information would have us believe. That can’t be true!

Turning off the TV is a good habit. Turning on some music is always a better choice. Put on some acoustic guitar and see where your mood goes. See how much more gets accomplished when you’re not trying to read the Netflix subtitles! Always use your routines to enable more freedom in your life. Routines allow you to be more conscious about what matters. When you keep saying “no” because you have to follow some rigid pattern – you’ve missed the point.

“In the shapeliness of a life, habit plays its sovereign role.”  ― Mary Oliver

We need routines to make sense of living and to get things accomplished.

Simple things like brushing our teeth and important goals like graduating from high school are accomplished because of routines. Very young children practice routines and in so doing learn, bit by bit, about life and are shaped for the next stage. As adults, we use routines to practice automatic thinking – so we can dream and solve problems while we’re driving to work each day. That feeling that we’re chipping away at daily accomplishments is called “perceptual effectiveness” – routines help us to at least feel as if we’re moving in the right direction.

It doesn’t seem to cool off until after 7pm down here in Houston for at least half the year. And yet, I keep buying more plants to replace all the stuff that froze to death the last two winters. As I was putting a few more tropicals into the back tonight all I could think about was that no one is ever going to see this but me. After we discussed my pill intake, Mr. Perez, who takes care of my yard, stood in my back garden and remarked how relaxing he thought it must be to sit here in the evenings (and listen to the new neighbors with lots of kids cool off in the pool next door). Isn’t it funny how different two people can see the same thing?

Why do you think we become more reflective as we age?

“Reflect upon your present blessings — of which every man has many — not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.” ― Charles Dickens

Time is moving faster and faster. A very pregnant co-worker just told me that as miserable as she feels in her final days before delivery, it won’t last long. What a great perspective. I told her that when she gets old like me, time is really going to fly past. That sand slipping through the hour glass starts to speed up as it nears the end of the funnel.

Getting older reminds me of all that I didn’t get accomplished. That list of grand projects is probably not going to happen. Life got in the way. Several years ago, during the chaos of the pandemic, I started posting notes throughout the house. The overwhelming sense of the world, new ways of doing old business and increasing social disconnection caused me to want to be more mindful of people and situations. It became a way to better organize my thinking and feeling.

So many projects never got done. But then, there are all these people that deserve some attention. Maybe that’s a more glorious way to spend today? Who needs some of your attention today? What’s keeping that from happening?

“The hardest choices in life aren’t between what’s right and what’s wrong but between what’s right and what’s best.” ― Jamie Ford

Are you still living a life that’s filled with choices?

Our ruts often keep us from seeing the far horizon and the infinite choices we could strike out for. Life isn’t supposed to be what we expected. I think it should be more peeking around the corner than that. Sure, there’s unexpected catastrophes like the price of gasoline and someone just had a stroke.

• Use routines in your life to liberate your dreaming and doing
• Make just today count for something – don’t waste it in worry or regret, literally think about what/who needs you right now.
• Don’t let your life live you – make wise and reflective choices when you can. Think always about the people in your circles that need a word of hope today.

“Happiness, not in another place but this place…not for another hour, but this hour.” ― Walt Whitman

“He talked in a quick staccato manner, so eager to have his say that he often interrupted himself.” ― J.B. Priestley

Someone asked me what I did this week. There were a lot of fires to put out.  I’m not sure everyone really wants to know the real answer to that question. There are socially accepted responses that we all provide that make up the small talk of our lives, “really hot weather we’ve been having isn’t it?” Stuff like that.

I slip at times and start to answer someone with a real story of what I did this week. After watching their eyes roll back into their head I realize my mistake. One of those too much information moments…again. During the summer I was up at work in a mostly empty building. I am also living a solitary life. After a time, I began to pity the people who get trapped in a conversation with me. I sometimes see them looking at their watch, eyes darting out the door, seeking escape. The smart ones would sneak past- pretending to never noticing me at all.

If you sit down and actually make a list of what you did this week, you might be surprised at all the little fires that you had to put out. What was unplanned, urgent, jumped up in front of the well-organized day you had all mapped out. Maybe you’re one of those people who live in such a controlled environment that this doesn’t happen. You’ve anticipated and learned how to keep the little flames from even starting up in the first place. I think I know a couple characters like that.

“Adulthood brings with it the pernicious illusion of control, and perhaps even depends on it. I mean that mirage of dominion over our own life that allows us to feel like adults, for we associate maturity with autonomy, the sovereign right to determine what is going to happen to us next. Disillusion comes sooner or later, but it always comes, it doesn’t miss an appointment, it never has.” ― Juan Gabriel Vásquez

In 1975, Psychologist Ellen Langer conducted research and wrote about the cognitive bias that she labeled “The Illusion of Control.” At some point, most of us fall into this kind of thinking trap. It does make me feel so much better when I’m on top of the mountain instead of scrambling upward all the time. One aspect of this problem can be thoughtlessly choosing easy tasks instead of thinking through to the best choice. Gamblers have another version. They believe that if they keep at it, they will eventually win it all back. Any of us can become the victim of quick fixes or risk taking due to the false belief that we have more control over situations than we actually do. 

When I am in occupations that involve people, I end up doing more fire control because people are less predictable and I suffer with that pesky illusion at times.  People, myself included, get themselves into situations where they need help. These are mostly communication oriented fire starters. Misunderstandings about the directions I sent in an email that take me three more emails to help you figure out. See what I mean?? It made perfect sense to me when it was in my head.

Have you thought much about your own fires?

For some, the fires are distractions used to seem busy with the urgent, instead of what is ultimately important about the task. Do you ever unwittingly self-sabotage?

That Illusion of Control will keep you constantly frustrated about your life. Who do you know that can give you permission to not be in charge of everything? 

Maybe today’s fire isn’t really that big and can be left until tomorrow? Do you find yourself answering every email the minute it arrives?

Calling it a “fire” and then spending energy trying to put it out may not be what your life is supposed to be about right now.  Is your time on the fire brigade keeping you from investing in the lives of the people around you?

“Every solution to every problem is simple. It’s the distance between the two where the mystery lies.” ― Derek Landy

Before the last year’s cold front blew down to Houston, I was out for a walk. It was late in the evening. Rain was forecast for the next day. Trash pick up was in the morning and everyone had hauled out their junk to the curb. I could see into the lit garages of some houses. Made me feel better, mine wasn’t the only junk pile in the neighborhood.

A colleague at work is at the hospital now with his pre-school daughter. They are taking all sorts of complicated medical tests. She has some severe problems that you wouldn’t know if you just met her. Her parents noticed, of course.

What they are now going through makes all the silly problems I think I’ve got seem so trivial. We’ve all had that same experience. Someone shares a private tribulation and you immediately feel guilty for all the petty complaining. Maybe I should quit talking about what’s bothering me.

But it’s important to remember that each one of us has our own set of problems, our own garage filled with junk. It is ours and no one else’s. There’s no point making comparisons. Just deal with your own troubles.

In all kinds of ways, humans make comparisons of themselves with others. We do this because in so many areas, there isn’t an objective standard to use. All we have is each other. Where’s the yardstick to measure problems up against? Who’s is really larger and deserves more sympathy? Yours doesn’t seem so awful because you’ve got so much more experience than I do. This one is really causing me so much pain right now because this is number three in a row.

Making comparisons is almost subconscious for us. The way out is to empathize with all your heart while at the same time keeping your own troubles in a realistic perspective. Don’t feel guilty about having problems or talking about them. That’s how we find solutions. Don’t let comparison chase you into silence because your garage isn’t as junk filled as someone else.

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ― Haruki Murakami

There are three signs (of many) that one has moved into the latter days…

1. Planning of routine activities are mainly scheduled around the weather forecast – which is observed and talked about religiously.
2. When returning to the parking lot, there is always shock and amazement that some drunk has apparently gotten your vehicle and re-parked it completely out of the lines and within centimeters of the next vehicle.
3. The vision of your mind begins to turn in a new direction spending more time remembering and less time dreaming about the future.

I was walking down an almost empty hall in my church. I had arrived early on Sunday morning as usual to get my Bible study class set up. My mind was thinking again about being here, in this particular place. I had started this thought train the week before, walking the same path, down the same quiet hall.

My in-laws had been members of this church as it first launched back in the 1970’s. They were on committees, led classes, he was a deacon, they contributed their lives to this eternal work. My wife and her two younger sisters spent their childhood years here as well.

“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.” ― P. J. O’Rourke

When my daughter reached her middle school years, we joined this church so she would be a part of a strong youth ministry. She and her future husband met right away, fell head over heels and the rest was history. They’ve just celebrated ten years of marriage, with two children, but have actually been a couple for nineteen years.

As I walked down that hall, in the the early hour before the commotion of hundreds of people would fill every inch of stillness, I thought about these people in my family. A history of people who had made meaning in the nursery, classrooms, choir loft, fellowship hall and sanctuary. Their lives invested in others as they learned and grew up in so many ways.

My wife’s parents had moved away to Dallas when she was a teenager. They joined another church and in the same way became integral parts. We were married in that church. They are both gone to heaven now. Her sisters and their families are far away in Dallas as well. My wife joined her parents in heaven three years ago. Two years ago, my daughter and her family moved far away.

Walking down that hallway, as I do each week, I thought about how strange it was that I was the one left here in “their” church.  As I think about it, I’ve been here in this church longer than anyone of that family ever was. That seemed strange to me as I walked down that quiet hall.

I’m about to hit twenty years teaching our Bible study class. That’s going to seem strange to everyone who’s in it with me. None of us feels that old! 

“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.”  ― Andy Rooney

I’ve seen mixed reports about people returning to church, now that we feel past the pandemic. Some researchers think that Gen-X’rs (my children’s age group) are coming back in larger numbers than other age groups. Other researchers report that when we look at overall church attendance, it’s at 2/3 the number it was before COVID sent everyone home in fear. There’s probably still some pandemic hesitancy, but also it’s become easier to stay home and participate from a distance.

What many people may not realize (yet) is that the social interaction is what makes it all worth it. Even more so than the convenience of zooming. 

I’m a social scientist and can’t help but look at numbers. People who regularly attend church:

• live longer
• live lives with better overall health
• experience less stress and anxiety
• have happier marriages
• experience lower levels of depression and loneliness
• have children who flourish in school and early adulthood
• have families with resilient social networks

We probably already knew all of this deep down. Regularly being with others in person is good for us in so many ways, no matter how much trouble it takes. As the days and weeks and months and years go by you build something that lasts. A framework for your children is built that helps them to organize meaning in their own lives. Meanings made out of beliefs, practices and relationships.

During my growing up years, at times when I didn’t even realize I was drowning, there were people in my little church who kept me floating just because of their presence and consistency. If all I’d had was a screen, I’m not sure I would have made it (even though I did watch a lot of religion on TV back in the 70’s). Those people, who didn’t necessarily have all the answers did provide themselves, and I carry them with me to this day.

A dear friend has gone through a number of terrible life tragedies. Just awful experiences. I don’t know the best way to encourage him back into his church after the pandemic. How did I survive my own hell on earth without my intimate family at church? They took me by the hand and walked me through each painful mile. There are others I know that I see suffering all alone and I don’t usually know the right words to say. I’ve decided I need to invite and get personally involved instead of praying from a distance.

“It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn’t use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like “What about lunch?” ― A. A. Milne

When I walk down that empty hall each Sunday morning and remember who used to be there, in just a few minutes, I hear and see who is now there. Even as I miss my grandchildren, seeing other children grow up week after week is so satisfying. Being around others is essential to keep any of us on course. It’s a wonderful blessing to be able to make moments count each week. Also, another opportunity to notice who could be there and think about how I can do something to invite them back home.

I was ordering a hamburger the other day. Sometimes I get a craving for ketchup. Never on my hamburger, but to go with the fries. So, a hamburger to go with the fries. Make sense? I noticed on the menu as I was ordering that cheese on my burger would cost more. I asked the teen taking my order, “can you really tell that there’s cheese on this burger?” As any good employee, you know what his answer was. My burger really looked like the size of one of those in a happy meal. It tasted great, but was very small. How do they get buns that little? No, I could not tell that there was any cheese on it, not enough surface. Maybe it was what they call a “boutique burger”?

Of course, a day doesn’t pass that I’m not reminded of my aging. One day when I was at church I realized a cataclysmic shift had taken place in my life. My church was started as a new neighborhood fellowship back in the 1970’s. It has grown as this part of town has. Right now, we have a lot of senior adults in our church. In fact, the “traditional” service that I attend I refer to as the senior citizen worship service. Tongue in cheek, sort of. My brutal collision with reality happened one Sunday morning when one of these senior adult men called me “sir” in our casual interaction. I almost dropped my Bible.

The power went out in our neighborhood this afternoon. The temperature indicated it was 104. I guess that means they didn’t actually get the Texas power grid updated and ready when everyone in the most advance civilization in the history of the world turns on their heater or AC at once. I’m not sure that people in Texas realize that our legislature only meets five months every two years. The only other times they can meet and get something serious done is when a special session is called. Only the governor can call one of these.

When the power went off I panicked and went to the HEB. They had power. I got a slice of watermelon. That made perfect sense to me. Do you remember people putting salt on their watermelon? I wonder why they did that and why people stopped doing that?

It’s especially hot out in the parking lots during this time of year in this part of the country. I mean, very hot. I can’t figure out why some people come and get in their cars and just sit there for a while. I don’t know why they aren’t in a bigger hurry to get moving, get the air flowing, get home and out of that hot car. Maybe they don’t feel as hot as I do waiting for their parking space?

“I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.”  ― E. V. Lucas

Certain categories of jobs attract different personality types. Or at least they should. Anyone working as a mail carrier ought to be a detail oriented type, right? Recently I stood out in the hall and watched an office full of people who I considered to be very obsessive about details – and rightly so – cleaning up spilled salad dressing off the floor. These people are in charge of individual academic records. That’s a lot of very important information that must be accurate. I thought about this as I watched several on their hands and knees wiping up balsamic vinaigrette spots off the carpet. I would have stopped after half an hour and called it a good job. But then, leave it to me and your child might or might not graduate on time.

“How you do the little things is how you do everything.” ― Sharon Pearson

In my brand of church, at the end of each service there is a time when people who want to join or become Christians are invited to come to the front and speak/pray with a minister. There’s a guy that repeatedly marches down the aisle during the invitation time. He doesn’t do it at every service, but at enough to be noticeable. I wonder what’s going on? I’ve heard about this phenomenon at other churches, someone who responds to the invitation again and again. I don’t think he’s rejoining the church each time. Maybe he needs to say something important to the pastor. These walking down the aisle invitations were first invented in the 1800’s by having what was called an “anxious bench” on the front row. If someone was feeling particularly led by the Spirit, they were encouraged to come down to sit at one of those seats and resolve your anxious feelings by praying or speaking with a minister. But I’m not sure one was supposed to become anxious every week?

I think I’ve finally figured out how to prevent Netflix from only showing me Eastern European selections on my television menu each time I log in. Most of these choices are dubbed in English or have subtitles. Sometimes the dubbed film or television series isn’t that bad, but other times, when the budget was too small, they only have a couple people doing all of the voices. Really cuts down on the dramatic moments when it’s the same person doing each character but trying to sound different. Never really works that well.

“being sick feels like you’re wearing someone else’s glasses” ― Megan Boyle

For two weeks I was sick with the COVID virus. I’m all vaccinated and boosted but I got sick anyway. The first week I had a fever each day. Once I had met the CDC guidelines for being out of quarantine, I went to work. For that week, I felt like lying down on the floor and taking a long nap every day at about 2pm. Once the third week arrived, I felt much better. I guess I caught a variant that I wasn’t fully vaccinated against. I had traveled out of state and got sick on the flight back. Since moving to Houston, when summer arrives, I become much more lethargic. Sitting on the porch, swatting mosquitos, sipping mint juleps, watching the parade of life go by… So I guess suffering with the virus didn’t cause a tremendous difference in my life – considering the time of year. I am a real baby when under the weather.

Starve a cold and feed a fever. Ever heard that one before? I knew I had neither, took the COVID test twice. But I did feed whatever it was, again and again. Being stuck in the house 24-7 with only Yugoslavian Netflix to watch (I hadn’t solved that problem yet) was probably the chief cause of my eating too much – not the virus percolating inside. I had gotten accustomed to really just eating one meal a day. This quarantine really messed that up. I felt like a hobbit. Don’t they eat seven times a day? Add to that very little physical activity and I was glad it was summer or I might have looked for a cave to start my hibernation.

“Just because a man is a hermit doesn’t mean he’s hiding.” ― Paul Doiron

Everybody needs someone, right? The lady that has been cleaning my house for the past decade (probably longer) went to visit her family in Ecuador. The country was going through a period of civil unrest while she was there and she couldn’t get to the airport to come home. She eventually did make it home and will be here to clean up my messy house. My grandkids were here and spent the night. They don’t really make a mess, but I do when in the role of caregiver. Now there’s two of them and only one of me. I just can’t imagine how frightening it must have been for Ana to have been trapped in her own country with all that chaos erupting around her, knowing she really needed to find a way out.

“Far too much modern Christian prayer has insisted on words, on logic, on getting everything clear and out into the open. This is of course important and indeed vital–as one aspect of the whole. But prayer, if it is to be Christian prayer, cannot be a grasping at control. It is precisely a relinquishing of control–to the one who is capable of doing far, far more than we can ask or imagine. It is saying ‘Thy will be done.’ It is therefore appropriate that, at some times and in some ways, that prayer should pass beyond the merely rational and wordy and engage with God, as Paul says in Romans 8, at a level too deep for words.” ― N.T. Wright, chair of New Testament and Early Christianity at the School of Divinity at the University of St. Andrews, Scotland

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