“A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts.” ― Washington Irving

As time went by, my wife decided that the gift she enjoyed more than any other was a giant bouquet of flowers. What settled her on this were the bunches of flowers I was able to pile together from our upscale grocery store. They have an over-the-top assortment to choose from that can’t be beat. Completely different from what you find at the typical “grocery store” – those apology flowers that people grab on their way home from work, late.

My wife decided that she’d rather have flowers for her birthday, anniversary, Mother’s Day, and any other special occasion I could imagine. Including the apologies I was always behind in delivering.

I was just at the grocery store (again) and saw all the various “types” grabbing their gifts and flowers for Mother’s Day. I could sit in there for hours just watching and sorting everyone into their category. There were dads pushing carts with young children all on a mission to find something just right. I saw a young man, probably still in high school, with two bunches of flowers – each had chocolate bars sprouting up into the air. Older couples were putting together their contributions for the meal with a mother-in-law. That young husband, maybe he’s also a new dad, was concentrating so hard over each choice in the floral department. As if this year’s choice was the one and only.

“I love you every day. And now I will miss you every day.” ― Mitch Albom

Maybe you ought to think about celebrating the mom’s in your life more often. How about a big bouquet to commemorate the day YOU were born? What about celebrating anniversaries? Potty training day? Your driving license? First date? Those surely meant something big to your mom. What about your wife? How about a big bouquet for each of your children’s birthdays? Your first date with her?

The point is, find as many excuses as you can to celebrate motherhood – all through the year. What about breakfast in bed each Saturday? Take the kids on a fieldtrip and give her a break. YOU arrange for the babysitter and plan a date. Why not just cleaning up in the bathroom after yourself – every time? I just had a niece graduate from college – it went so fast. My grandchildren in preschool seems eternal, but I will blink and sooner than later watch each graduate. Don’t wait to remember.

“The timeless in you is aware of life’s timelessness. And knows that yesterday is but today’s memory and tomorrow is today’s dream.” ― Khalil Gibran

Buying a giant bouquet can seem like an extravagance. The flowers don’t last. Gone in a week if you’re lucky. But their memory is still here with me. And I wasn’t even the one to receive them. Those moments of happiness, that were here one day and gone soon after, were worth every penny, worth the time driving across town, worth wrangling with the florist, worth hoping I’d made the right choices and had enough to fill up a giant vase at home (I’m a cheapskate at heart).

It was especially heartwarming tonight to watch those children, as their faces lit up when they had chosen the right bunch of roses or mixed arrangement. You could see their anticipation of watching mom’s happiness. Worth every penny. Worth every inch of trouble it takes, once we get older and busy with what never really matters. As often as you can remember.

“But the thing about remembering is that you don’t forget.” ― Tim O’Brien

“The true atheist is the one who refuses to see God’s image in the face of their neighbour.” ― Shane Claiborne

As I’m getting my little house ready to sell, my neighbors are becoming even more noticeable to me. I’ve been here in this small cul-de-sac for over 25 years. There are eight of us living on this little street. Four of us have been here from the start, original owners. The other half of the houses are now a combination of newcomers and a rental or two.

My social science training has prepared me as a people watcher. But I confess I often feel like Mrs. Kravitz from the Bewitched television series. Preparing to pack up and move has turned me reflective.  Over the decades, we have become a very interesting mix in our little community. There are residents from all over the world. People from all age groups. Some are leaving for work each day, others working from home, some retired. I think all of the major religions are represented. A wonderful sample and slice of Houston.

A Priceless Few Moments

There’s a young dad across the street who spends time each day sitting in his little car parked on the curb. Sometimes he’s watching his children playing in the street, usually smoking. I’ve seen him on a phone a few times. He and his large family, I think I’ve counted five children, live in one of the two-story houses. Despite the extra space, he seems to need an escape each day.

When this family moved in – our neighborhood got very loud. When you’re in a family with numerous brothers and sisters, you need to raise your voice to be heard. So everyone hollers. Those of us who raised our families on this street now have grandchildren. It’s been a long time since we had the familiar sound of childhood bouncing all around. Every now and then our grandchildren visit and there it is again.

I think this young father has found a wise way to manage his very filled up life (there’s even a grandpa living with them). Dad retreats for a quiet time in his little car, his own private space, maybe taking a deep breathe or two. Great advice for the rest of us in the neighborhood.

“In order to understand the world, one has to turn away from it on occasion.”  – Albert Camus

Time Out Can Work Wonders

Recently, in another house, I see that they’ve stuck their grandmother out in the garage all day. She used to drive her own vehicle. It’s gone now. There are a lot of people coming and going from this little house. They are renting. Her husband, grandpa, used to bring a dining chair out and sit on the front porch, with the door standing open. It made me wonder who’s paying the AC bill. There’s no traffic to watch, we’re on a cul-de-sac. He’s not there anymore. Maybe he’s passed away?

Now, grandma has taken up a spot in the garage, against a wall, with the big door open. We’ve just had our first 90 degree day. I wonder how long she will last? Have they put her out here because she started smoking? Is she not getting along with her daughter-in-law? Is their cable out?

This reminds me of a Navajo custom. This tribe does not live in a collective community but instead on isolated family ranches. Property is passed down matrilineally. When you get married to your wife, you go to live and help run the ranch owned by her mother. To reduce the chances of potential friction, the Navajo have invented a unique custom. In the mornings, the mother-in-law gets up and retreats to her own “she-shed” out back. Once her son-in-law is up and has had breakfast, he heads out to start work on the far-flung property. Mother comes back in to the house and helps her daughter the rest of the day. Contact between mother and son-in-law is kept to a minimum. The potential for friction is reduced.

“We need solitude, because when we’re alone, we’re free from obligations, we don’t need to put on a show, and we can hear our own thoughts.” ― Tamim Ansary

I don’t know why this grandma is now sitting in her garage. My other neighbor thinks she’s become our crime watch observer. I need to stop waving and wander over for a chat. It does remind me of an important lesson. If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. There are lots of times in my past that I should have gone and had a time out in the garage and didn’t. Who knows why she’s really out there?

Keep On Keeping At It

Early in the mornings I drive past a very aged little woman who is working very hard on the same daily task. She is small and stooped, sweeping away in her front yard. There is a broom in one hand and a long handled dust pan in the other. Each morning she is sweeping up every single leaf and twig that has fallen into her yard. We live in an oak tree lined neighborhood. These are trees that are in constant leaf drop. She has a big job every morning. And she’s good at it. The yard isn’t manicured, filled with pretty flowers or green grass. It looks like every other yard fighting for life under the shade.

“I’ve buried a lot of my laundry in the back yard.” ― Phyllis Diller

Maybe when everyone else in the family has headed off to work and school, this little lady has her daily list of tasks to complete, her contribution to make. She is faithfully hard at it every morning as I drive past. Any teenager given this task would roll their eyes and complain about the futility, “the yard will only be filled again in a few hours!” Finalizing this job is not the purpose. For this lady, the daily activity, not the completion, has it’s own value. Isn’t that the way it always is for the house work? The dishwasher always needs to be filled and the laundry never gets finished for good.

As I make my routine, automatic drive off to work again, the same trip for almost 30 years, I am taught an invaluable lesson when I pass this little woman. All of my frustrations, fears, stumbles and losses get a better perspective when I see her diligently sweeping away, day after day. She gives me courage to keep at it, no matter what’s happening all around me.

“It’s good to be curious about many things.” ― Fred Rogers

 

 

And I hope when I get old, I don’t sit around thinking about it
But I probably will. – Bruce Springsteen, Glory Days

All Those Memories Made at the Rock Concert

Since moving to Houston almost 30 years ago, attending rock concerts became an exciting experience to join in with and attend with friends. My own daughter became a big fan over the years, getting pulled into the adventure with dad.

Most are late middle or senior citizens and white. That’s what the classic rock crowd has evolved into. Hard to keep them at the show too late. Not as eager to hang around for the encore. Even most of the geriatric bands are ready to get to bed soon after most of us.

One of the last great shows I went to was John Mellencamp. Had great seats right up at the front. The problem started about 20 minutes into the show when, one by one, everyone with bladder issues had to crawl down the aisle to go to the bathroom. On and on, all night long. Very rabid fans, but the call of nature always louder than any guitar riff.

“I’d trade all my tomorrows for a single yesterday.” – Lynyrd Skynyrd

We are all hurrying to each rock concert, hoping to make it before the aging rockers pass away. The classic songs of the 60’s and 70’s were written and performed 50-60 years ago. Also remember, you could still be kickin’ but unable to sing those notes anymore. Another tour might be out of the question. A couple of years ago, I saw one band member have to take a seat between every other song. At another show, the lead singer was sharing with us about all his surgeries and repairs. All night long, it seemed as if he was going to teeter off the front of the stage into our laps.

“You may be right, I may be crazy – but it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for.” – Billy Joel

All Those Unforgettable Characters

The guy who’s not aware that anyone else is there. Hard to imagine with hundreds and hundreds in attendance. He’s found a spot, stands and sits there and never adjusts to the crowd. Sometimes he’s taking pictures or filming. Oblivious to how his Steven Spielberg act is distracting or blocking the view of those nearby. He’s all alone in his moment – all night long.

There’s the lady in her early 60’s, dressed like a 20-year-old, gyrating away like she just got a new hip. She has a new dance move choreographed for each song. This is a special night for her – so much joy expressed unapologetically. I keep thinking, is that someone’s grandmother? What fun they must have at Thanksgiving.

RUSH concerts were always interesting because the audience was predominantly males. You had to look hard to find the other sex. I liked spotting all the dads and uncles who had brought the next generation of kids with them. Again, mostly males but every now and then a daughter. I introduced my own daughter to RUSH at a concert back when she was in high school. They are always exceptionally loud and everyone sings along. I think she had a good night.

Every now and then I end up a row in front or behind a pair of very happy female friends. Many times they will carry on a running conversation – through most of the concert, over each song. Raising their voices when necessary. All of us nearby leave the show knowing all the details about the cat’s upper respiratory tract infection or the guy at work that can’t get the hint he’s not her type.  I always wonder why they’ve paid so much for tickets and talked through the whole night?

Thunder only happens when it’s raining… Stevie Nicks

At one show, my friend and I spent the first half watching a young lady trying to talk the security guards (at each side of the stage) into letting her back to see the band. As I understand her urgency, she had to get to them because she had knitted tops for each member of the group. She was looking for the opening act band and didn’t seem to realize they had left the building an hour into her protestations. She was relentless and entertaining. A real groupie.

How about the true-blue fan who knows the words to every song and bellows them out for everyone in a 30-yard radius to hear. There’s a little voice inside asking yourself, you paid how much to hear this guy screech;

Jeremiah was a bullfrog.
Was a good friend of mine.
I never understood a single word he said,
but I helped him a drink his wine.

A friend and I go to the same band each year when it comes to town. We love them and it’s a way for us to nail down a big memory. It’s the best medicine. They sing the same songs but have such an over-the-top performance, we are eager to be a part of the show again and again.

Many times, I’ve taken groups of teens and introduced them to the classic sounds and lyrics. We still talk about those summer nights outside with the old hippies. Hearing familiar feelings that we could all understand. It also helped to share a part of our own youth with the next generation – to let them in on the secret.

“Don’t let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy.” – The Eagles

Rock Concerts Help Keep Us Connected

These rock concerts I attend are joyous events for everyone. We are singing and swaying to the beat. All members of the same tribe. Sharing a common experience. There’s a recent survey that reported 40% of adults in their sample hadn’t had an in-person conversation in three days. We all feel like we are becoming a more isolated society. This tends to reinforce that belief.

When I go to a loud, familiar, and emotional concert, it helps to anchor my life back where it belongs. We were meant to live in the hustle and bustle of life, shoulder to shoulder with others. Sharing our lives with people is how we keep being human. Just get over it and ask that guy next to you, Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango?

“If there’s a bustle in your hedgerow, don’t be alarmed now – it’s just a spring clean for the May Queen.” – Led Zeppelin

At some point in your life, you’re going to have a monster under your bed. These experiences are not reserved for childhood. They can even happen again and again. I’ve had four over the past five years!

Hurried folks were pushing their baskets as fast as they could on that Friday evening right after work. The darkening clouds of approaching rain added an urgency to the search for something to fix for dinner at the end of the week. All of this hurry and scurry was swinging past us as we hugged in the flower department that evening. She was filled up with the fear of that cancer monster that had crawled out from under their bed. I was stunned and just trying to find a way to comfort. All while the chaos of life careened all around.

My friend saw me as we approached each other from different ends of the store. She told told me that as she drove up, she knew I’d be there. Probably her soul knew she needed people to lean on during these very hard days. We caught up and I heard the grim news. Heartbreaking, about her husband. She was tired, worried and her eyes were filled up with that deep uncertainty about the days ahead. I’d been there, done that, so I recognized her expression at once.

Nothing got fixed, but she knew there was one other person on her team. She left the store that night, assured that she wasn’t alone in this hard, hard fight.

“Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.” ― Fred Rogers

Someone else lost their job. What’s going to happen next year? Will I find a new place to work was written all across his face as we sat together at lunch. What’s it been now, two years? He’s still searching. I keep wanting to come up with some sort of solution or wise advice. Males are like that, we want to fix things. The problem is, if we don’t have a solution in our pocket, we tend to avoid contact. That’s always the wrong choice. What people need is just to sit there over chips and salsa and have someone listen. I’ve been so blessed to have several guacamole friends who listen so well. I hope I can get better at it myself.

The beast under the bed is never as frightening when we have someone who will listen to our fearful discourse, no matter how silly it sounds once it’s out there.

“Don’t give in to your fears. If you do, you won’t be able to talk to your heart.” ― Paulo Coelho

As the hours changed, the students came in and lined up to get their drinks at the campus coffee shop. We never drank coffee when I went to college. How did we get through without all the caffeine and latte? My friend and I had worked here at the university for decades. All of a sudden, like a drunk driver crashing into your car out of nowhere, we were both widows. We sat together over our hot beverages, watching the students come in out of the rain and got caught up. There are so many tasks that must be attended to when a spouse is gone. No one ever explains this or provides a manual in case of emergency.

We don’t talk much about the jobs we had lost, but mostly about the lives that had suddenly disappeared. I walk away with great advice just listening to what he’s tackled or is planning to get done. You have no idea, unless you’ve walked this road yourself. Let me just give you a very brief list of what we casually talk about: possessions, adult children, moving, cremation, church, providence, friendship, grace, jewelry, couches, and grandchildren. I’m certain meal planning is on the horizon.

Whatever might be scary under the bed always seems less so after I’ve found a fellow traveler who’s been on the same road and can tell me it’s going to be okay. One who’s also found an easy way to get rid of that extra bed in the now shrinking house.

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing. At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me.” ― C.S. Lewis

I Those monsters under the bed don’t disappear once we grow up. What I’m learning, mostly the hard way, is that everyone is fighting a hard battle – or soon will be. There’s someone nearby who needs a lifejacket of your time. All you have to do is give a little nudge. It may a take a few texts, calls, notes or smiles to let ’em someone know you mean it. Chips and salsa usually works with everyone.

“A man is literally what he thinks, his character being the complete sum of all his thoughts.” ― James Allen

It’s Spring Break where I am. How come I’m still behind and can’t get caught up? Who decided to give out three long answer exams the week before – that all need to be graded this week? What’s wrong with me? Don’t answer that.

At the start of the week, I was able to travel up the road north and visit my family. It was non-stop center of attention for me with my two grandchildren. As hard as I tried, I could not stay ahead of either. One is two and the other is six.

My daughter and I were talking a little about the difference in how each handles misbehavior. The two-year-old needs a lot of direction and coaching from the outside. The six-year-old seems to know much more about the choices he’s making. Often, when he makes the wrong choice, he knows and expects consequences – if he gets caught.

If he gets caught. Have you ever noticed those signs in the dressing room at the store? The ones that let you know that there are cameras waiting to catch shoplifters. We call that external social control. The fear of being caught that keeps people doing the right thing. The police car parked under the tree as you speed around that corner. The instructor pacing up and down each aisle while you are taking your exam. Younger people who are still developing need more external controls. Society works better when its members do what’s right because they believe it’s right, not because they’re afraid of getting caught.

“To educate a person in the mind but not in morals is to educate a menace to society.” ― Theodore Roosevelt

This belief about right and wrong is called internal social control. The values and norms that we have accepted and implanted in our mind and heart. This happens because our family and school take such care instilling within us what really matters. This kind of control manifests itself in the voice of your mother haunting you as you contemplate poor decisions. A deeply felt sense of fairness and justice when you sit on a jury. The shock you feel when a friend at school asks to copy your research paper.

All of a sudden, at the end of almost 30 years in the college classroom, I’m having a terrible time with academic dishonesty. As I’ve aged, acting the role of police officer or detective is one I resist. Last year, I looked at a student who was using his phone while taking his exam. He looked back and me and knew he’d been caught. Instead of pulling the chain on the guillotine, I started an ongoing conversation with him about learning, his character and consequences. He wasn’t on the path to passing the class anyway. Maybe he was acting out of desperation. Maybe, like many students, he was unprepared for college or tackling too much all at once.

“Character is much easier kept than recovered.” ― Thomas Paine

The world that people are growing up in today provides harsh soil to nurture character. Fragmented families that are missing fathers are too busy trying to survive – while every member is on the their phone. Our media saturated environment pushes moral relativism instead of objective right and wrong that could be a roadmap. No wonder so many get lost. I fear that our schools are trying to play it safe today and keep their noses out of character – their work focused so much more on maintaining a civilized space for learning.

“Our children are only as brilliant as we allow them to be.” ― Eric Micha’el Leventhal

I believe that people need to learn how to think and act with character – one that embraces honesty and truth. It’s not something we are necessarily born with. Each time I witness another student cheating on something so completely insignificant, I know that she is unable to see that her character is in the balance.  Developing one’s character is a series of critical lessons. That student who copied his answers on that quiz has not had the lesson of character explained, modeled and learned.

The few weeks ago, a woodpecker was busy high up in the branches of a soft wood tree in my neighbors yard. It’s just a stone’s throw from my bedroom window. I can hear him violently tapping away as the sun rises in the mornings. He’s got work to do. Breakfast to wrangle. He is persistent on his task. The tree has been there for years. I have seen woodpeckers in the neighborhood often. This is the first time I have heard one banging away in that tree.

At this stage in my life, I often feel like just giving up when faced with the student dishonesty. I know that it’s probably a gigantic moral tangle that someone needs to start to do something about. Do I have the time or energy?  Some of my friends know that over the past seven years or so, the birds bring me messages that seem to really matter. That noisy woodpecker each morning for about a week reminded me, once I thought about it, that there are things that matter, like people, like young people, and it’s always worth keeping at it.

“The best way to show that a stick is crooked is not to argue about it or to spend time denouncing it, but to lay a straight stick alongside it” ― D.L. Moody

 

 

How do you feel about history?

In two different history classes recently I discovered that there was no student who knew who General Eisenhower was – the leader of the Allied D-Day invasion of Europe. Later, the 34th President of the United States. When I revealed the answer, I didn’t see any “Oh yes” recognition on anyone’s face. A colleague told me that maybe there were shy students who didn’t want to answer. I doubted it.

This kind of story always happens in colleges everywhere. But this time it’s different for me and I reflected on the experience. As I think about the days I have left,  I wondered about what I need to be sure and tell my students so they don’t leave at the end of our semester without a clue.

“One lives in the hope of becoming a memory.” ― Antonio Porchia

I was on a panel this week at our “chapel” service. The topic was love and marriage. My simple advice to that gathering of students was simple, get off your phone and go on a date. You might be surprised at how little real interaction takes place at college these days. Most students aren’t meeting and making new friends or reading books. They’re addicted to their phone. Ingenious marketing strategy. 

When I used to lead orientations for new faculty and adjuncts, one thing I would remind everyone is that their students may not remember much about what they had made so much effort to teach. But, their students will remember THEM. We all make some sort of impression – hopefully a positive and meaningful one.

What kind of history do I want to make? I will have to start being more conscious about what I say and do in my classes this week, how I interact with individual students, what I write in my feedback on assignments and how I prepare all that important content. What is so important? What will matter most?

Here’s a few items on my list so far:

• Why learning how to read is always going to pay off. This truly is a dying skill.
• Brief pep talks about the little things you do today that are building the future you. Like showing up on time and meeting deadlines.
• Habits that can go past this class and work in other areas of life. Asking questions, for example or always appearing interested in what’s happening (even if you’re not).
• Start crafting your own big and confident signature. Doesn’t that sound trivial? You wouldn’t believe the strange and cryptic signatures I see each day. They make an impression…
• Learning how to understand the “rules of the game” that will put you steps ahead of everyone else. That’s what my discipline is all about.
• Talk out loud as if you mean what you’re saying. A lot of mumbling and soft talking. Too much time texting, probably.
• Love isn’t just a word in a message, it’s an action that’s hard to practice sometimes. But practice makes perfect.
• History really can teach us a lot about tomorrow.
• God understands and wants to have a relationship with us all.

I’m still working on it. Anyone have any suggestions about what you wished you had learned when you were in your early 20’s?

“Attitude is a choice. Happiness is a choice. Optimism is a choice. Kindness is a choice. Giving is a choice. Respect is a choice. Whatever choice you make makes you. Choose wisely.”  ― Roy T. Bennett

I’ve got journals filled up with what I’d do different in my college years. But I think the real answer for me would have been to have found a mentor or someone who would be willing to give me some wise advice. That’s what I’m trying to be next week. That person that I needed to have in my own life waaaaay back when.

“The public have an insatiable curiosity to know everything, except what is worth knowing.” ― Oscar Wilde

“I wish you to know that you have been the last dream of my soul.” ― Charles Dickens

At the Grammys on Sunday there was an extra special performance. I stopped watching the Grammys a long time ago. Today I shared with friends that the date when MTV first went on the air (back when they actually played music),1981- that date is closer to the day of the Pearl Harbor bombing (1941) than it is to today. Ugh!

I was anticipating a special performance tonight. Tracy Chapman returned to the stage for the first time since ending a tour in 2009 (she had made only three public performances since then). She has not released an album in 15 years. Gone from the music scene but left as an iconic songwriter.

She appeared tonight with a big name in Country music, Luke Combs. He had recently done a cover of her fantastic song “Fast Cars” – they sang it together, both bursting with happiness while singing. It was a wonderful performance that had everyone cheering and singing along during the unforgettable chorus.

If you’ve forgotten the song, please go and listen to it again. It’s a story. A deep story about escape and hope using the metaphor of a fast car.

 

The song is about the hope of escaping family catastrophe, poverty, loss, abandonment, and about dreams and desperation.

What is the story you tell yourself when you think about all the people and situations that have been central to your life? I often tell the college students I’m always around about when I was their age and how unprepared for school I was. So many of my students also work long hours at jobs. I tell them I empathize, I worked until past midnight waiting tables, paying the bills, putting myself through college. I barely made it to graduation.

But when I tell the story I’m always focused on my near failure as a student. What I never talk about is the “fast car” that came at just the right time. That job that I did so well at – made great money, met so many characters, built so much self-esteem and paid the bills. It was the rescue that I needed. I really did get launched into a future of dreaming because of THAT “fast car.” These chances that come our way are sometimes unexpected and may look like a spare tire instead of a way out.

I’ve got friends in their latter years who are experiencing terrible treatment with their careers. Years and years later, they get shown the door. It stinks and hurts and leaves a terrible taste that never goes away. This wasn’t supposed to happen at this age/stage. Students in college today don’t always act like they want to learn, instead they are trying to figure out how to go through the gauntlet that gets them a chance for a decent paying job. I want to figure out a way to tell a student who will listen that the job isn’t going to be a destination – probably just a “fast car” to take you to who you’re supposed to be next. Cars don’t last, but people do.

“A man must dream a long time in order to act with grandeur, and dreaming is nursed in darkness.” ― Jean Genet

My wife was the fastest car I ever got to ride in. She saved my life in so many ways. I’ve had friendships that were for only a season.  As I think about them, the timing was perfect. Then there were relationships that blew up and ended unexpectedly. Some friends that turned into enemies. But we rode together for a while in a “fast car” and it got me out and took me another mile up the road. Instead of focusing on the end of the story, I need to spend my time on the whole story. Riding with the widows down, the sun bright, and adventure around the next bend.

All of us have had “fast cars” in our lives – relationships, opportunities, and experiences. Sometimes they didn’t end well. But that’s not what matters, right? What a brilliant chance, person, connection that got me to the next stop and helped me figure out who I was (and wasn’t). I’m so thankful for the hope and dreams those “fast cars” instilled in me.

Go listen to that song again.

Your kids still need a “fast car” no matter how old they get. There’s someone at work that probably needs a “fast car.” Look back and think about that friend, who probably doesn’t need you for any answers, but just some time, time to be a “fast car” a couple trips a month.

“Fast cars” don’t fix all our problems, instead they give us a dose of hope, they keep us dreaming and help us let go of the things that weigh us down in our every day despair. Everyone needs a “fast car” at some point, like a wonderful song that keeps playing again and again, making your heart beat faster and drawing that dream ever closer.

 

“Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake.” ― Henry David Thoreau

 

“Beware the man of one book.”  ― Latin proverb

What’s the best way to pass on all my books?

Things have quickly changed and I find myself with two big libraries that I’ve collected over the years. I have my professional library up at my office and then all my odds and ends here at home. About half of it is fiction. A long time ago I got rid of all my paperbacks. Our county library collects for annual book sales to raise funds. I drop off bags full every month.

I need to get rid of these books fast. I don’t have any family who are really interested. (I do have a collection of adventure stories that I started  from a few books of my grandfather’s. I’ve hidden the box away in my closet, hoping to pass on to my own grandson one day, years and years from now.)

At work, I’ve been trying to find likely candidates for my collections on social theory, religion, family, pop culture, race/ethnicity and sociology. So far I’ve been able to box up several shelves and pass on. A former student who’s a professor at UH received a box a few months ago. I passed on several history texts last year to a mystified student who told me he wanted to change his major. Now that I think more about it, I do remember gathering up a handful of research method texts for a missionary who was embarking on his graduate degree – in Turkey?

*not my real office!

But it still doesn’t look like I’ve made much of a dent in my office. Colleagues are stopping by and picking through the “carcass” – some of my old fashioned friends still read books. Hurrah! It makes me happy to know these treasures will still have a good life. I did just find a friend who wanted all my church, discipleship, Bible study and prayer books that I have at home. Several boxes to pass on – she will surely use them in her work. Another happy blessing for me.

What to do with all the rest of my collection at home? My history, poetry, art, theology, biography, cookbooks, culture and then all those mysteries??

“I go back to the reading room, where I sink down in the sofa and into the world of The Arabian Nights. Slowly, like a movie fadeout, the real world evaporates. I’m alone, inside the world of the story. My favourite feeling in the world.” ― Haruki Murakami

Books are a solitary yet social experience

My grandfather was a reader. He put a bookshelf in his home office. Each afternoon, instead of a nap, he would come into the house, sit back in his chair and read a book. He was a man of few words. Many in his family were quiet people. I remember growing up and visiting my great-grandmother’s house way out in the Hill Country. There was a large shelf of books in the back bedroom where visiting relatives slept. It was a collection that grew as family visited, brought a book, read a new one and then left it for others.  I’ve always thought you could divide the world into readers and non-readers.

“A great book should leave you with many experiences, and slightly exhausted at the end. You live several lives while reading.” ― William Styron

All those books at my house, collected over the years, and I’ve never had anyone to talk with about any of them. It’s always been a solitary experience. That may be true for most readers. I guess I should have started my own book club. I could start one now and give everyone who joined their own box of books as a membership bonus.

My daughter is a reader. She reported recently about achieving a big goal, 115 books last year! She’s reading on a Kindle. I could never get the hang of that for some reason?? I do listen to an audio book now when I drive alone on long trips to see my family. It works great making the time fly and I’ve found some interesting “reads.” Those books don’t take up any room in the house!

Passing on reading to the next generation

My grandchildren and I have started our habit of reading. Before bed, of course, and then anytime the mood strikes. There are “board books” for the very young that have easy to turn pages. Some of these books have textured pages – with fur or even Astro-turf. Both children take off their shoes and “read” these books with bare feet. So much fun that way! My two-year-old granddaughter and I have been reading “Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?” over and over again. She loves all the animal sounds. I’m hoping they become readers. I’m collecting books for them already.

“A children’s story that can only be enjoyed by children is not a good children’s story in the slightest.” ― C.S. Lewis

How did I end up in this situation?

I started building my library as I worked my way through graduate school. It was a collection of what I was reading and should be reading.  They were also a prop that went along with this new person I was becoming. Students from the cell phone era often come into my office, look around and exclaim, “have you read all of these?”

“Do not read, as children do, to amuse yourself, or like the ambitious, for the purpose of instruction. No, read in order to live.” ― Gustave Flaubert

This is not just a collection of the books I’ve read, they are also books that I value possessing. Many I have looked through and NOT chosen to use in my classes. Some are not for reading all the way through, but for reference. There are others on the shelves that need to be read, but somehow were forgotten.

Again, what am I going to do with all this fiction at my house? It’s haunting me. I spoke with a colleague at work today who gifted me with a mystery. I told her about one I had just finished – promising to pass it on to her in return. That’s one strategy. Every room in my little house has a bookshelf in it filled up with books!

“A room without books is like a body without a soul.” ― Marcus Tullius Cicero

What am I going to do with all these mysteries?

I am going to get this giant task before me resolved. Eating the elephant one bite at a time. Each box that’s passed on to someone else makes it easier. Knowing that so many will be given to people who will be able to put them to use is a great feeling. Like children sent out to the world to do good. There’s a lot here that can certainly be bagged up and sent to the library for fund raising. I loaded five boxes into my vehicle tonight. It was a great feeling. To be moving in a positive direction (getting the house cleared out) and passing on some of my history to a friend, all feels so satisfied. (But, you have no idea how many more boxes there are to fill!)

“Books so special and rare and yours that advertising your affection feels like a betrayal.” ― John Green

“Now the wren has gone to roost and the sky is turnin’ gold
And like the sky my soul is also turnin’
Turnin’ from the past, at last and all I’ve left behind”
― Ray Lamontagne, God Willin’ & the Creek Don’t Rise

Should I make some changes? I’ve certainly got a list going. Usually, I’m not one that needs the reminder of a new year to think about what’s not working in my life. Now that I’m walking the trail alone and wrestling with several big catastrophes there’s much more reflection happening each day as I look in the mirror.

Yes, this is the season for reflection and resolutions. A little more than 40% of Americans report that they make some sort of resolution for the new year. Usually about living a healthier life. Most don’t last more than 2-3 months. Here’s a 2024 survey. 

When the COVID-19 pandemic hit and higher education went into a lock down mode of instruction, what I did each week drastically changed. It also seemed to happen all of a sudden.  There wasn’t much time to get used to what this new format of learning was going to be like. Most of what I did was filmed and recorded. There was very little physical contact with students. Those in the class sat far away and were masked up. Impossible to read body language on those kinds of faces.

Every class session was recorded and uploaded. As I watched and listened to each class, it didn’t take long for me to be horrified at how I was coming across. Mostly, I couldn’t believe how the recordings of my class presentations sounded. Was that really me? Had I always spoken like that? Why did no one ever tell me?

After watching and hearing these recorded sessions, I realized that I was not coming across as the professor that I thought I was. I sounded more like a panel member from a 1970’s TV game show. 

What a reminder. Sometimes I think I’m very aware of what I need to fix about my life and at other times, I’m completely blind. Most of the time we don’t have a recording following us around. But we do have trusted friends and family, right?  I will always need others around me to help me get a clear picture of who I really am. We all do. I recently wrote about the blessing of getting some unexpected positive feedback – check it out here.

“We always see our worst selves. Our most vulnerable selves. We need someone else to get close enough to tell us we’re wrong. Someone we trust.” ― David Levithan

As human beings develop, they acquire the ability to view themselves as they imagine others see them. It’s called being “reflexive.” This is why the way we talk to our children is so important. Those messages get internalized and are used to build our emerging selves. The ability to view oneself within a larger social context – like your family, teachers and friends – is how we construct a healthy and complete self.  The people that I have grown up with and continue to have around me, help to shape who I think I am – in mostly good ways. 

New technology means that everything today is being photographed and filmed. This is wonderful for me as a grandfather. I have access to the daily lives of my grandchildren in ways that previous generations never did. What a blessing! I’m also able to see short video clips of interactions I have. Again, is that really me? What doesn’t help is that I’m typically using “kidspeak” when talking with my grandchildren. But, I’m still shocked each time I hear and see myself.

Typically, these video clips capture a magic moment, but there I am, looking and sounding like the hobo who lives under the bridge. I need to start tucking in my shirt, combing my hair and sitting up straight. That ought to help, right?

“It’s not the appearance that makes a man, it’s the man that makes an appearance.” ― Anthony Liccione

Who are you going to be in 2024? The same person you were in 2023? Are you making steps toward your future self? A more attentive partner. The employee who’s becoming more dependable. Spending more of your energy on eternal concerns and less on the urgent tyrannies. Just a step toward your tomorrow self? Moving away from what’s not working?

I’m building my list. Off to a good start. I end up writing things down. There’s no backseat driver in my life. I do believe God’s Spirit resides in me and gives me all kinds of nudges. Am I listening today?

“Let us cultivate our garden.” ― Voltaire

When I set goals, I’m also reminded of my failures and constant effort to get back on track. You’d think by this time in my senior citizen life I’d have so much figured out. I’m still a work in progress. There are TWO BIG TRUTHS that I have come to believe related to change, success and failure:

1. Success isn’t as important as continual effort. When you get up again and believe that you are worth one more try, it keeps the fires stoked. It’s not arriving, but moving forward that transforms us.
2. I don’t think God leaves us hanging all on our own. He is going to complete his purpose in my life (sometimes, even despite me).

“Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.” ― Winston S. Churchill

There may be some things that just have to be accepted. Bringing home house plants again and again and just watching them die a slow death… Fighting squirrels in my attic… Sounding like an odd ball on every recording may be my constant failures.

But I’m not going to quit on all the rest.

“The only things you learn are the things you tame…”― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

I had my wonderful little family here during Thanksgiving and they were tasked with unpacking the Christmas tree. I took it apart last year, left it decorated, and packed it away in three plastic totes. While putting the pieces back together and rehanging a few ornaments that had slipped, my daughter put on her favorite “decorating” film, White Christmas. It made me think about how films have worked their way into our holiday traditions over the years. We’ve grown up with them in the background of our lives for many reasons. I confess, I like the classic films best. Here are some of my favorites:

It’s Wonderful Life (1946)

The classic Christmas Frank Capra film, teaching us all a moral lesson about life and about what it means to be an American. That’s what Capra was famous for.

The film rights lapsed and it fell into the public domain for several decades. That meant that TV stations who were looking for holiday content could show this film without cost. So, it became an American classic maybe not because we all fell in love with it, but because it was on TV so much during our lives.

There are several other films in his repertoire that are worth exploring:

• Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (1939)
• Meet John Doe (1941)
• Pocketful of Miracles (1961)

Actors were under studio contract back then, so you would see the same handful appearing again and again in films. John Ford made all those famous John Wayne films with the same group of actors over and over again. The villian from It’s a Wonderful Life, Old Mr. Potter (Lionel Barrymore) is cast in another wonderful Capra film, You Can’t Take It With You (1938), as the wise old Grandpa Vanderhof. It’s a stage play and seems like it when you watch the film. A very kooky cast of characters. It will make you want to look for your harmonica. Of course, a great lesson at the end.

As I mentioned, White Christmas (1954) is the traditional film my daughter puts on when she’s decorating.  All kinds of songs in the background while your digging around in the boxes of ornaments. No one sounds like Bing anymore, unless it’s Michael Buble. This film sort of originated as a black and white called Holiday Inn (1942). Not really a Christmas film, it has musical numbers for all the holidays throughout the year. It might be fun to watch as well. It has received criticism because of a blackface musical number for Lincoln’s birthday. They used to show it with is part edited out. Not anymore, promising to show the original unedited version of films only.

I’m a sucker for life lessons. The Bishops Wife (1947) has Cary Grant as a visiting angel who has come in answer to the prayers of a bishop trying to get a cathedal built. The angel performs a number of miracles all in the hopes of helping the mortals understand God’s real priorities.

For years, my all time favorite has been Christmas in Connecticut (1945).  Barbara Stanwyk plays a sort of pre-Martha Stewart magazine columnist. The magazine owner invites himself to her imaginary farmhouse for Christmas – to share with her made up husband and baby. Very much a romantic comedy. You’ve got to see it!

Again, the studio is using the same actors in multipe films. You will see Felix the cook and Mr. Yardley the magazine owner pair up again in Casablanca.  Barbara Stanwyk is great in anything you can see her in. Another slapstick comedy with Henry Fonda (comedy?) is The Lady Eve (1941). She’s a black widow killer in the classic film noir, Double Indemnity (1944). That one has Fred MacMurray from My Three Sons fame as the dark and dying narrator. Don’t this!

Do you remember from your childhood watching A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965)? Get your kids and grandkids together and talk about YOUR childhood Christmas – back when you had to walk two miles in the snow to haul firewood back home… This is back on some subscription services this year. Why can’t we get on the networks? Is there really that much on the schedule that needs to be there??

Recently I have added The Man Who Invented Christmas (2017) to my holiday tradition. It’s about Charles Dickens and his struggle to write A Christmas Carol. Very funny and tragic all at once. I love Christopher Plummer’s Scrooge. Each of the characters come to life and haunt Dickens as he invents them on the page. We learn about the terrible childhood that inspired so many of the characters and settings of Dickens classic stories. Also, the origin of some of our Christmas traditions from this time period. I highly recommend this one to everyone each year.

For people without kids yet…

Love Actually (2003) has become the new classic holiday romance. Can you believe it’s twenty years old? I’m seeing interviews with some of the now long in the tooth stars of the film who can’t believe it has remained so popular for so long. Everyone is a sucker for love – all the different layers that are portrayed in this story, even the Prime Minister. It’s funny, sad, heartwarming, and inspiring. Maybe a good date film why you realize you didn’t get the right gift this year?

On the other end of the emotional spectrum, Die Hard (1988) has become a Christmas tradition for many. It’s the action film that will attract the sleepy males in your family. We love it so much because by now, we can recite the lines together, right? This one is good for late at night when there’s a crowd in the house and maybe too much uncomfortable stuff got said at dinner?

A relatively recent survey listed these films (in order) as America’s holiday favorites:

1. It’s a Wonderful Life
2. A Christmas Story
3. Home Alone
4. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
5. How the Grinch Stole Christmas
6. Elf
7. Miracle on 34th Street
8. A Charlie Brown Christmas
9. Die Hard
10. Love Actually

My list isn’t too far off. I do admit watching A Christmas Story again and again when it first came out (1983). What’s on YOUR list? Post a reply and let everyone know. I leave you with the moral to the story – what’s important is sharing some time with your family and friends and making some more memories. It doesn’t cost much, just some time and intention.

“You told me once that we shall be judged by our intentions, not by our accomplishments. I thought it a grand remark. But we must intend to accomplish—not sit intending on a chair.” ― E.M. Forster