“A great fire burns within me, but no one stops to warm themselves at it, and passers-by only see a wisp of smoke” ― Vincent Van Gogh

 

I’ve written before about our epidemic of loneliness

• A Stress in America Survey revealed that 60% of Americans felt that loneliness and emotional disconnection was a significant source of stress in their lives.
• The Centers for Disease Control report that loneliness is now more prevalent in our younger population.
• Another study in the Washington Times reported that 40% of adults go as long as three days without having any direct physical conversation with another person.
• Marriage rates have been declining. Fifty years ago, 66% of all households were married. Today it is 47%.
• 

Do you think this is true?

“It is an absolute human certainty that no one can know his own beauty or perceive a sense of his own worth until it has been reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving, caring human being.”  ― John Joseph Powell

My third grade grandson and I were taking a trip recently. We were talking about Adam and Eve and the events in that most beautiful spot on earth. It always makes me think about God’s first critique. “It’s not good for man to be alone.”

That night we were rushing to meet friends for dinner and then on to our big event. As we jumped out of the car and rushed through the dark parking lot there was a woman who tried to get my attention. It was a chaotic space with people and vehicles zooming about. We were right off the main highway. In the back of my mind I assumed she was soliciting from people exiting their vehicles. I quickly replied that we were in a hurry, trying to meet our friends as we jogged inside.

Later, I looked up from our table and saw her speaking with the hostess and had second thoughts. She probably just needed some help or information. I had decided that being in a hurry was more important. This past year I’ve been trying to teach lessons to my grandchildren about paying attention to “the least of these.” That night I made an “F” and perpetuated another habit of disconnection. We all live a hurried life, too busy to notice each other.

How to get better

David Brooks is an author and commentator. Recently he has been writing much about social issues and even character. I read his book How to Know a Person. He gathered advice from experts in a variety of fields about how to improve social interaction and self-awareness. Here are some of his suggestions for defeating loneliness by improving our social interactions:

• PAY ATTENTION: When you talk with someone, get rid of your phone. Give people your undivided attention. We all struggle with phone addiction.
•  NOT A PING PONG GAME: Don’t try and match their story with your own – instead ask for deeper examples to demonstrate your desire to really understand.
• HANG ON: Use active listening techniques – respond with words and brief phrases to demonstrate your engagement.
• DO UNTO OTHERS: We live in a social environment that now either argues or ignores too much. To increase the number and depth of conversations, it’s essential to demonstrate kindness, generosity and respect with everyone.

I recommend: How to Know a Person by David Brooks

“Tolerance isn’t about not having beliefs. It’s about how your beliefs lead you to treat people who disagree with you.” ― Timothy Keller

Are we turning a corner?

School districts across the country are limiting screen time for students in classrooms. It looks like independent bookstores are staging a comeback. People are returning to the movie theater, especially the younger generation. While the online dating trend continued to grow since its introduction in the late 90’s, there is now a pushback and return to what’s called “offline” connecting. All examples of the possibility that a lonely society is trying to figure its way back to some pleasant company.

Maybe?

 

“If you smile when you are alone, then you really mean it.” ― Andy Rooney

 

 

“Goodnight – may you fall asleep in the arms of a dream so beautiful, you’ll cry when you awake.” – Michael Faudet

It was my usual 2AM awakening and I lay there in bed and thought about what I used to worry about during restless nights. Nights before those hard days came. I used to toss and turn, as a lot of people do, about all of the cares and concerns of the daily grind. Over the years, all sorts of projects on the burner at the university. Always having my problem-solving gears cranking away.

So Much To Do Outside The Classroom

From its inception almost thirty years ago, I helped to invent and rework our intro to college experience for new students. This was a perpetual work in progress. The curriculum was remodeled, new leaders recruited, trained and fine tuning made as every new year approached. My mind was forever revolving.

“Every professor secretly thinks that what the world needs is a good, solid lecture–from him, of course.” ― Gregory Benford

As a department chair and college dean, I was recruiting adjuncts, training new faculty, evaluating and providing feedback. College instructors don’t arrive necessarily knowing how to teach. Professional development was a large part of helping everyone (especially students) be more successful.

“Spoon feeding in the long run teaches us nothing but the shape of the spoon.” ― E.M. Forster

I worked at a small university, and this was a tremendous blessing because of the personal coaching and mentoring relationships that were possible. I paced about each day and thought about how to solve someone’s academic challenge, following up through the semester, and preparing students for success in the ever-changing world of work. Very, very satisfying but also part of the tossing and turning.

The Classroom Always Evolving

Add to this the ongoing challenge of keeping classes for everchanging college students “working.” By that I mean academically challenging to high school graduates who were less and less prepared for college, who didn’t know how to read and had very shallow curiosity. Welcome to American higher education. Every semester it was a new adventure to rework courses and try to make learning a bigger target to hit. A nightly toss and turn for sure!

A Journey With My Peers

For several decades I walked with my peers in our journey of faith. Our Bible study class at church shared all the classic experiences of life. Children grew up, left for careers and college, marriages, grandchildren, aging parents. Mostly times filled with joy, but also there were crises to face together. I did spend times worrying, praying and listening as we waited, grieved and put our faith into practice. You can’t be tied together with others in a community and not share some sleepless nights.

Tonight, A Different Set of Cares

This all passed through my head that night last week. Of course, life and death issues had invaded years ago. That night I laughed aloud when I reflected back on those everyday concerns that were no longer parading through my dreams.  Instead, that night and most of the week, I was working out the best way to arrange tee shirts in my eight-year-old grandsons’ drawer. He really had too many to fit. Folding them up was not working. It was difficult to find the one he wanted without creating chaos. That was my new toss and turn.

“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own” ― Robert A. Heinlein

Yesterday Preparation For Today

During that 2AM humorous interlude of reflection, I thought about how things had changed. I’m in a much smaller universe now, but one no less important. Attending church, spending time with grandchildren and friends, a little project here and there. My mind is still clanking away. How to fix this? What’s the real problem with that? When is the best time to make this adjustment? Speak or keep silent? Mostly I’m in retreat and “be silent” mode. What’s missing is my partner in crime, rolling her eyes at all my foolishness. Remember God’s first assessment, “It’s not good for man to be alone.” Still seems true. Surely all that yesterday has helped to make drawer sorting easier. Managing the interfering, helping my family and keeping my big mouth shut around others is probably the real juggling act. Let’s see how well I do. I can’t tell you how much help I get from my granddaughter giving directions from the back seat!

“A new day might not necessarily bring new things, but it can bring a new way to do them.” ― Craig D. Lounsbrough

“People never grow up, they just learn how to act in public.” ― Bryan White

WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH GUMMIES?

Why all the medications in the form of gummies these days? I thought to myself while working my way up and down the vitamin and supplements aisle at the store. I keep forgetting to pick up a refill for my monthly memory pills. While searching I couldn’t help notice the strange new phenomenon of gummies everywhere. Do we really need this sort of bribery to entice us to take our medicine?

After WW2, the pharmaceutical industry boomed. Think about it. The discovery and distribution of antibiotics and vaccines revolutionized preventive healthcare. The creation of the National Health Service in Great Britain and the FDA here in the U.S. created “runways” for mass distribution and widespread consumption of healthier living (aspirin, Alka Seltzer, cold remedies and allergy sprays) . Now, we’ve advanced to gummies! What’s next?

IS THERE A PILL FOR THAT?

It’s no surprise that the U.S. is the world’s leading consumer of pharmaceuticals worldwide. Acetaminophen is the top selling over the counter medication. Melatonin has now surpassed Pepto-Bismal and Pepcid. People are increasingly having trouble getting and staying asleep. That’s MY new Holy Grail search. Something that will take me past my 2am cortisol spike, wide awake and ready to sound off with the neighborhood rooster! Maybe this is just a function of aging, no more long nights of sleep?

“Care keeps his watch in every old man’s eye,
And where care lodges, sleep will never lie.”  ― William Shakespeare

All the major vitamins come in a gummy form. The idea is that these are faster to swallow, more pleasant to take and the pleasing experience will make the habit easier to remember. That also helps to sell more vitamins. I just get aggravated having to work the sticky medicine out of my deteriorating dental work. Worldwide gummy vitamin sales are predicted to increase between 2025-30 from 25 to 48 billion. Who would have guessed that gummy supplements were the future?

Does it seem like somethings not right with making the connection between candy and drugs? Actually, it’s not new. Remember those Flintstones fruit flavored vitamins for children? They were introduced in 1968. Those kids are now 58 and chewing down their supplements as gummies.

My team just played the frogs for the 122nd year. One of our most important football rivalries. I had my grandchildren eating frog gummies all week in order to get the mojo just right! I think they ate the whole bag in one day. That shouldn’t surprise me. The mojo obviously didn’t work again this year. Do you think they make gummies to improve coaching?

A PILL FOR EACH DAY

Several national reports reveal that up to 70% of Americans take at least one prescription medication daily. As we age it increases, up to 40% of seniors take five or more prescriptions daily (Medicare data). Our lifestyles cause problems, our longer living cause problems, and our science continues to discover livable solutions. Now, so much easier to consume. The FDA reports that the dietary supplement industry is growing at a rapid rate – a $ 70 billion industry now. There is little evidence that most of these supplements actually work – including the multivitamins and memory supplements I’m taking! Maybe a gummy would work better?

“All the world is made of faith, and trust, and pixie dust.” ― J.M. Barrie

“Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything.” ― C.S. Lewis

A friend was grieving the anniversary of her son’s death. It was still a harsh time of year for her. Of course it was. It always will be. My sister and I were sitting over our monthly brunch recently and couldn’t help but remember our family members who had passed away to heaven. We smiled, laughed and cried a little. Each memory was piece of joy we treasured away in our souls. Those beloved, quirky, giant, deep, glow-in-the-dark lives keep us alive in so many ways day by day, year after year as we share memory after memory.

“One lives in the hope of becoming a memory.” ― Antonio Porchia

When our family started our journey of grief, I read a quote that rang very true to the experience we shared seven years ago:

“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.” – Anne Lamott

My eight-year-old grandson and I had our annual football game road trip this Saturday. Actually, it was our first one. I’m with him and his sister every week or so. At this event I couldn’t help but remember, as I watched him with different eyes how momentous the day of his birth was. That day was scheduled to be induced, so we knew when he would arrive.

On that morning, my wife and I had a meeting with her oncologist. She was in the middle of a battle with breast cancer. The cancer had traveled to her brain. She had made it through targeted radiation treatments and brain surgery the year before. That morning we got the terrible news that the tumor had returned. Our wonderful doctor, ever the optimist, reminded her that she had successfully fought her way to this momentous day – the day her first grandson would arrive. Live each minute today! Make it count.

And that’s what she did. No one at the hospital, gathered around that little boy wrapped up in his blanket, ever knew what she had learned that morning. She held him tight and her face beamed with joy. Just like it all should have been. She was an example for us all.

As my grandson and I enjoyed our tradition packed day full of fun (and even won the game!) I thought about his grandmother and the fact that his life would always be a tribute for me about her life and example.

Death is a terrible experience that touches all of us. Our dearly departed don’t really leave us. They keep company with us in our thoughts, the ways of life we have internalized, our feelings and all kinds of little remembrances. Like it our not, we each keep swimming in those waters our loved ones waded us into with all their influence, subtle and monumental.

One doesn’t even have to think about it or be consciously aware of all the influence these departed and gone to heaven have permanently left in our lives. Their placeholders are organic and grow as our own lives evolve and reach into the stars. For some reason my grandchildren and I have a “trim their fingernails” ritual. I said to my grandson the other day, “you will one day be trimming your child’s fingernails and will tell him a story of me.” I got a puzzled look.

Grief works best, it matters most, when it is wrapped up and planted in all of the layers of living that made that loved one so precious. I don’t think grief is something to get over or feel bad about. I was listening to Willie Nelson singing about it today, it’s not something you get over, it’s something you get through.

“Give sorrow words, the grief that does not speak knits up the o’er wrought heart and bids it break.” – Shakespeare

My friends and family who are sharing grief these days are also telling stories about lives that keep bringing them joy. I think what matters is how we pass their stories on to the next generation. I think this is a big deal. Why did this person matter so much to me? Let me tell you a story. Let me tell you why he/she is a part of who you are.

• Hot black coffee
• Crispy bacon
• Volunteering late at night
• Never once a discouraging word
• Giving and never getting
• That extra mile, again and again
• An open door and seat at the table for everyone
• Faith is an action, not a slogan

“The songs of our ancestors are also the songs of our children” ― Philip Carr-Gomm

When’s the last time you cut a rug?

There’s this incredibly energetic guy that I’ve seen on Facebook for a while now that has fascinated me. He dances into the store (mostly Sam’s Club, I think) to classic disco tunes from Earth, Wind and Fire and invites others to join in. He’s got incredible moves. What always amazes me is that, without fail, it’s a grandma that will join him with a happy smile. Women at this stage aren’t addicted to their phones and have achieved a certain level of self-confidence. Jumping into a dance with a stranger to a fantastic beat seems like a good idea. Males are always fearful of breaking their fragile gender role. The kids are staring in disbelief. Teens haven’t heard any of this great music and don’t know how to dance.

“And we, spectators always, everywhere, looking at, never out of, everything!” – Rainer Maria Rilke

What’s really interesting to watch is that so many won’t join in and dance, they’re too busy filming the event on their phones. And isn’t this what life has become? We are spectators to the reality that’s happening all around us. Instead of participating, we’re saving it on the iCloud for later. Whatever that means. Surveys tell us that our physical connections with real people have been dwindling as each day passes. About one hour per day with actual people on average. It’s intentional. People are shaping their lives so that they don’t have contact with any real people. We don’t want to dance, we don’t want to talk on the phone, we don’t want to sit next to someone and share, we’d rather stare at a screen. What’s happening?

Has our current culture turned us so inward that we now fear to dance?

Even at church. We don’t want to talk to the person sitting next to us. We want to close our eyes, raise our hands, listen to someone on stage singing loudly while we stand on our feet and rock back and forth. In our private spiritual space. The modern version of worship at your church has probably removed the meet and greet element, fearing it might scare off visitors.

The introduction of the cell phone in childhood meant that social skills were inhibited. Young adults entered life crippled because they had not had practice interacting with real people during adolescence. They were clumsy in social situations. It was and is easier to just sit alone, head bowed down, starring at one’s phone. And so, no one gets asked to dance.

“You look ridiculous if you dance
You look ridiculous if you don’t dance
So you might as well dance.”  ― Gertrude Stein

All of what we call “norms of reciprocity” are disappearing. These small practices, taken together, that hold our fragile order together day-in and day-out.

• Holding the door for others
• Please and thank-you (not because you want something)
• An actual “live” phone call
• Thank-you notes (or if all else fails, a text)
• Inviting someone over for dinner
• Sharing meals at the table with your family (no screens or TV!)

Does culture now lead us away from each other and into our own selfish ignorance?

There have been all kinds of commentary written about our own fall of the Roman Empire. Does anyone really read anymore? I ask people all the time about current events found in the news and I get blank stares. So, it shouldn’t surprise that 1/3 of Americans can’t name our three branches of government… Do you notice the level of profanity the has worked its way into our popular culture? I watched the dress code deteriorate during thirty years at an urban university. Did these people not own a mirror? The feminist movement of the 60’s kept asking the question, why are women participating in their own objectification? It’s been over 60 years and not much seems to have changed.

This makes each one of us weaker, dumber, and poorer. All the while dressed up in what we think is the latest version of self-expression and individual freedom. I can stay up as late as I want! 

“It is an absolute human certainty that no one can know his own beauty or perceive a sense of his own worth until it has been reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving, caring human being.” ― John Joseph Powell

When we become dangerously disconnected from the larger social good, we drift into a form individual expression and freedom that leads to hyperindividualism. Everyone is afraid to dance for fear of harming their fragile self, a personhood that hasn’t been built with strong family and peer connections and a confident framework that assures you – you’re okay, you’re just like everyone else. I’m watching a YouTube of SoulTrain, that took confidence. Bravo!

“Do you know that one of the great problems of our age is that we are governed by people who care more about feelings than they do about thoughts and ideas.”  ― Margaret Thatcher (1925-2013)

Living in a democracy, with a social contract, means that we make sacrifices for the greater good. The welfare of our family. Dress codes? Curfews? Speed limits? Fatherhood? Even sacrifices of our own self-interest. This is hard to imagine today. America is not a place that has historically called on its citizens to be so reflective. Our society has been about building a great nation and greater individuals. How did we end up with such memorable post-war dance moves?

I’m working to try and figure out the best ways to explain to my 3rd grade grandson how to be selfless. Our current lesson is that it’s better to give than to get. That one is more difficult than you’d imagine. Right now, it’s an easier sell to my four-year-old granddaughter that jumping up and joining in with the dance is always a great choice! Let’s see if she can get me up and moving with her?

“We should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once.” ― Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

 

 

“We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.” ― Randy Pausch

She kept looking at me as if I had a strange accent. While pushing my cart down the greeting card aisle I was suddenly curious about the type of people that were drawn to this type of work. Sorting and organizing all day. It didn’t take me long to realize that people skills were not very high on the hiring criteria. My urge to interview strangers is going get me in big trouble.

“Never miss a good chance to shut up.” ― Will Rogers

What has experience helped you to accumulate that’s worth sharing?

My grandchildren had finished their dinner. That meant we made a stop at Wendy’s on the way back to their house. Nothing beats a Frosty during this perpetual summer heat. There’s so much to talk about. It’s a race to get finished during the ten-minute ride home before a melted mess in their laps.

At the drive-thru the other day, the young man said he really liked by SUV. If you could call it that. I recently went down a size because I’m not driving very much anymore. My grandson moved up to the front seat and into the role of navigator. He loves the control panel. Anyway, my vehicle was so appealing to the drive-thru guy because pointed out the bike he was “driving” to work. He was attending college, working at Wendy’s and trying to save as much as possible. I felt his stress.

I quickly clicked into autopilot. All those years at the university motivating students to keep at it for one more lap.

• As discouraging at it might seem showing up at work, it was worth it.
• Making some money, staying busy, preparing for each class, semester after semester, soon he’d have his degree.
• One day at a time, keep riding that bike into his future, he was going to get there for certain, persistence would pay off.
• All the little hassles of today were going to be worth the rewards waiting for him tomorrow.

And I promise, I was so fast with it, those two Frosty’s didn’t melt!

When I sailed off to MY future (back when Millard Fillmore was president), there wasn’t anyone along my path to help me with navigating the rapids that were ahead. At that time, college wasn’t really organized to guide unprepared students. Certainly not in the ways that they are today. When the 90’s arrived, college became like 13th and 14th grade for students. One had to get a degree to be eligible for the kinds of jobs in our evolving economy. That meant waves of students who weren’t always ready to study and learn. Academic support services were established in every university to help students succeed. Another reason college costs started to go through the ceiling.

“Good luck is a residue of preparation.” ― Jack Youngblood

During my thirty years as a professor, I spent as much time mentoring students about how to learn and their future as I did the content of the classes I taught. My point, this “speak” became second nature to me and my colleagues. So when I bump into a student and he/she starts up with the script, I know my lines.

I think almost anyone who’s successfully charted the path of life into senior adult years has some map skills to pass on. Be careful about being a busy body. Always find a way to be encouraging. Turn the conversation away from yourself. Use your mistakes to help someone else succeed. What would younger YOU wish to hear from older YOU? Not necessarily “don’t eat the Tuesday Special at Ed’s Diner.” Ideas and skills that are perpetual.

“Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. ” ― Wendell Johnson

Who’s in your life right now that you could invest in? Make a list. Keep your eyes open for someone who might cross your path that needs to hear a good word. What have you got to share?

But maybe not to the lady working in the greeting card aisle…

People kept me from drowning in so many ways… How can I pull someone else out of the deep?

“Not the waves, not the storms, but often we ourselves sink our ships!” ― Mehmet Murat ildan

As preschooler I remember falling into the water on several occasions and being pulled out. Someone was standing there at the right time to jerk me out of those deep waters as I sunk like a stone. As I think back on it now, I’m wondering how I got there and where were the responsible adults? It was always a strangers hand that reached down and grabbed me. A few years older, I also remember being swept away down river while we were all playing one summer. A much older cousin was in the right place to see me floating past. She grabbed me out of the fast current, arms flailing and head under the murky water.

These people, there right when I needed them. Isn’t that how the story of our lives is often told? We are blessed with people – family, friends and even strangers – pulling us up and out and setting us back on course.

“The help I never got is now the help I give.” ― Marion Bekoe

As a senior adult (how did that happen all of a sudden?) I regret not reaching up and taking the hand of several lifeguards along the way of my life. When we are directing or misdirecting our lives, we make too many lonely choices. It’s different than being a five-year-old sinking in the apartment pool. Young adult males like me back then are so full of confident fear. I also didn’t have a track record with mentoring relationships while growing up. Later, while working with youth and college students I was determined to be a lifeguard of sorts. I knew firsthand that chances to pull people out of the pool can be far and few between.

“But once in a while the odd thing happens,
Once in a while the dream comes true,
And the whole pattern of life is altered,
Once in a while the moon turns blue.”
― W.H. Auden

Learning to be this kind of person should start when you’re young. These days I’m having conversations (sort of) with my eight-year-old grandson about why giving is better than getting. I can literally see the wheels turning in his concrete-operational brain. This ideal does not make a lot of sense, but he’s willing to play along. Maybe I should do a better job of setting and pointing out examples. There was a story and video on the news recently about a sixteen-year-old lifeguard who jumped into the raging riptide surf and saved a ten-year-old boy. That’s an over-the-top example and may not work for convincing him to let his little sister go first in line.

“Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.” ― P.J. O’Rourke

There are people in my life right now who are drowning and being pulled away in raging currents of disaster. How can I be someone who’s there at the right time and place? Is there something I can do because I know firsthand what it’s like to be pulled up choking out of potential disaster?

“He who sees a need and waits to be asked for help is as unkind as if he had refused it.” ― Dante Alighieri

“In the whole history of the world there is but one thing that money cannot buy…to wit–the wag of a dog’s tail.” ― Josh Billings

It’s been a year now and I’ve reached the point where a little commentary on dogs is needed. I live in a community with people all around me. Right on the other side of the wall. Sitting above my ceiling. Repairing cars in the garage next to my bedroom. Walking large dogs the size of Shetland Ponies past my window each morning and evening. Because most residents are young, the excrement from these animals does not get picked up as is required. That’s an age-related trend. Imagine, if you will, Shetland Pony dumps all around in the 100-plus summer of north Texas.

Sorry for the disgusting start off.

One more indicator pointing to the collapse of civilization. New Yorkers have been talking about this for decades.

Oversize dogs is a recent trend in our society. Who are more likely to own a large dog these days?

• Young adults living alone
• Females living alone
• Students heading off to college
• Young and recently alone (separated, divorced, graduated)

Suicide rates are up, those who report being lonely have dramatically increased, romance is sinking and fewer people have physical contact with another person each week. We all live a dangerously isolating social experience. A large dog is probably one easy way to fill that empty space.

“One of the most important things you can do on this earth is to let people know they are not alone.” ― Shannon L. Alder

Living spaces are becoming smaller, we are living by ourselves longer and starting families later in life. The younger generation has decided to add large dogs to their living arrangements for several reasons. The larger dog conveys a sense of safety, especially for young women. Our media deluges us with crime stories, documentaries and movies. The truth is that crime rates have been declining.

Larger dogs are easier companions to take on a run. Young males in search of masculinity get a big dog – a little poodle just won’t work for so many reasons. Probably without realizing it, these oversize animals are replacements for that missing roommate or partner. Cats, goldfish, and chihuahua’s won’t fill the subconscious bill for a meaningful presence in your all alone swinging single space. They don’t talk back as well.

So, for the past several decades, the youth decided they needed a big dog. It became the cool trend. We are all conformists. Who had time to think about all that went along with taking care of that Shetland Pony, while attending classes, working a job, managing a social life and maybe getting along with roommates.

The drawback for these large dogs can be heartbreaking. Last night I looked at the time, it was almost 10pm and the big dog next door was howling away. Was it lonely? Needed to take a potty break? Hungry? The busy and at times chaotic single life does not always work well with the routine needed for animals and children. Seventy percent of large dogs end up being returned to animal shelters. Young owners are less likely to take care of their large pets – mostly because of the cost. Large breeds need different kinds of attention and care. I’ve already pointed out the less likely your poop gets scooped when you have a young owner.

Maybe everyone would be better off if we all spoke to each other more and learned how to be more interdependent – even on our neighbors. I’ve decided to learn Spanish. It will surely help.

“Such short little lives our pets have to spend with us, and they spend most of it waiting for us to come home each day. It is amazing how much love and laughter they bring into our lives and even how much closer we become with each other  because of them.” ― John Grogan

 

 

* Be sure to follow this blog and pass it on to someone else, it can’t hurt…

The Neighborhood Splash Park Has a Story to Tell

“Summer will end soon enough, and childhood as well.” ― George R.R. Martin

This summer my two grandchildren (ages 4 and 8) and I are making weekly visits to the neighborhood splash park. It’s a small set of slides, fountains and water contraptions that are a perfect lure on a hot summer day. We are in the north Dallas area, so when I say hot, I mean hot! Has it rained at all since I moved up here a year ago? It certainly has in other parts of the state!

While the grandkids are running about in delight I’m sitting under the shade melting, reading, doling out snacks and people watching. Also, clockwatching. I count the minutes left in each heated visit. Neither of them, in fact none of the small children at the park ever walks. Running is the rule. Mine are tearing from the water feature out to the sand volleyball court then to the playground swings and slides. Back and forth, back and forth. No one ever stops to catch their breath. I need a nap just trying to keep track of each one. Almost all of the children are preschool and early elementary age.

Is this what life is like for many today? Living on the run, hardly coming up for air, missing out on what might really be going on and who we miss along the way.

“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.” ― Michelle Franklin

Early in the morning, we’ve had a run to the donut store. Surely, that’s where some of the energy comes from. As the heat increases each week, we started going to the park when it opens at 9 AM.  There’s a little breeze to chase off the flys and the heat hasn’t started to become so oppressive as it always does this time of year. This is all done for me as I sit and watch each week under the shade of a pavilion. The kids don’t notice what time of day we go. They are racing about in wet swimsuits and complaining about the AC in the car when we head home.

When we get older, we adjust our lives into comfortable routines. Mostly because of the uncertainty of aging. Sometimes, our need for comfort and certainty cause us to miss unexpected experiences of life. Like kids in wet swimsuits.

At 9 AM we are some of the first to arrive. The kids are on their own for a few minutes until the moms and their strollers, packed bags and squealing children begin to appear. There is a dad or two every now and then. The guy last week was very adept at changing diapers. Remind me not to sit at that end of the picnic table next time. I don’t feel like I stand out too much when I see a fellow grandparent trying to keep up. But the real heroes are the pale mothers herding their preschoolers into the jets of cool water. Sitting there under the pavilion it’s always interesting to eavesdrop on the rapid-fire chatter that goes on between these young moms. I think to myself that I’m not the only one who talks too much, like I’ve just been water boarded, ready to spill every detail when I see another adult.

Humans are created to be social. One benefit of being around others, even strangers, is the constant reminder that we’re not so strange after all.

One sweltering afternoon there appeared a self-appointed life-guard mom who marched over to let me know that my grandson was knocking into her small children as he swooshed down the waterslide. She had been doing an excellent job, no one had been swept out in a riptide thus far. Thank you for the notification, I smiled as she turned and trotted back to resolve another toddler crises in the making. My grandson, after some coaching, went back more carefully to the slide. I was proud of myself for not following my first instinct and asking the waterpark matron why her children had chosen to play at the bottom of the waterslide in the first place – setting themselves up for a collision experience. Cause and effect thinking so often escapes people.

Kids are so good at finding new friends to play with. But no one has gotten in the habit of asking for names. I’m amazed at the social skills of my own grandchildren (who are all being raised by introverts). Makes me think about the larger world we all live in. If you count it up, we are mostly among strangers all day long. Our service economy has put people everywhere in our daily path. Many on the phone. We were walking to the mailbox, and my grandson asked me why I was always talking to the strangers we passed. I gave a little pep talk about why it was important to speak with others and be friendly (I did not mention living as a shut-in as a probable cause).

It’s good to always be reminded that we are constantly on stage, and every little action is being observed.

“It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn’t use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like “What about lunch?” ― A. A. Milne

On one of our latest trips to the water park, I bribed the grandkids, urging them to introduce themselves and learn the names of new friends they made while running around and their frenzied splashing. My grandson’s new friend that day just stared at me as I handed out grapes and oranges. Maybe he wasn’t used to being spoken to as a real person. But probably I was just a funny cartoon in a hat my own kids had grown used to. A smiling mom came up and told me how much she appreciated my grandson’s friendliness and asked if we’d be back next week. I didn’t realize how much a little feedback could mean.

My four-year-old granddaughter runs everywhere. She runs up, grabs a bite or swig and then tears back off to the water. As our visit drew to a close, she ran up, put a grape in her mouth then got a puzzled look on her face, twirled quickly and rushed off only to fly back seconds later to tell me with a triumphant smile that her new friend was named Caroline. A mission driven girl. I looked over at her as we were packing up to leave. She was getting a warm embrace from a soggy triplet who told his mom he met a new friend to invite to his birthday. She smiled at me over his shoulder.

Maybe everyone really does need a little more friendship, a kind word on the way to the mailbox?

“Summertime is always the best of what might be.” ― Charles Bowden

“I know not all that may be coming, but be it what it will, I’ll go to it laughing.”
― Herman Melville, Moby Dick

July 12. This is that day of the year that I think about life’s adventure. It’s my “made up” birthday. I grew up having to celebrate my December birthday every other year. My sister had hers in the same month. We had to rotate who got a birthday party. Both of us were scarred for life. Makes a great story. I married into a family that had several other December birthdays. Add to the giant birthday in December and one doesn’t stand a chance. When I got much older, I made an executive decision and moved my big day to July. In theory, worked great. Some years I end up with two celebrations. Other years, I miss out altogether. It is what it is.

Probably time to give up birthdays anyway.

The director Christopher Nolan has his epic The Odessey premiering at the end of this week. The almost three-hour long film takes audiences on the voyage of Trojan War hero Odysseus on his journey home to Ithaca. The 10-year adventure written by Homer is a Western Civilization essential. Before the world was literate, these great stories helped shape reality and passed on core life lessons. Can you see those faces sitting around the fire, eyes wide, waiting for the next monster to emerge from the sea?

Hollywood today removes our imagination and shows us with its IMAX film technology all we should see and feel. Our world is poorer for it.

“Every mountain top is within reach if you just keep climbing.” ― Barry Finlay

If you’ve never read the story, once you see the film, you might be amazed at the strange world in which the Odessey takes place. All very normal to Odysseus and his crew, of course. The gods and supernatural characters seem to have every sort of personality disorder you could imagine. Each must be manipulated like a two-year-old having a meltdown at Target. Religion in their world was based on trying to appease these disturbed characters.

This is one of the revolutionary ideas that monotheistic Judaism and then Christianity introduced to the ancient world. The living God was not a social construct that reflected all the weird and distorted characteristics from humanity. Instead, he stood apart and taught the ideals we could aspire to be.

After this birthday, albeit made up, I see how The Odyssey story is much like life:

• Traveling through disease, disasters, storms, betrayals and deaths – a journey in a leaky boat. I work so hard to make this world a wonderland, but it’s not really my home.
• All around me during my journey I have passed so many obstacles and opportunities. I have made both foolish and smart choices. I don’t have as much control as I’m led to believe.
• I’ve met a host of creepy characters and heroes all along this journey and I’m sure there are more to meet. I’ve got a hero in my sights this year! We live such independent lives, it’s almost impossible at times to see the influence of others.
• But…”So we do not set our sights on the things we can see with our eyes. All of that is fleeting; it will eventually fade away. Instead, we focus on the things we cannot see, which live on and on” (2 Corinthians 4:18). 

“The only journey is the journey within.” – Rainer Maria Rilke

In Homer’s story, Odysseus and his men were away for twenty years. That wasn’t the plan. It took ten years for the Greeks to break through the walls of Troy. The journey home, due to storms, misadventure and the interference of the gods, took another ten years. When Odysseus finally returned, he found his wife Penelope had waited for him, refusing clamoring suitors for years. His son Telemachus was there as well, grown into manhood and ready to help his father reclaim his place. Even my imagined birthday reminds me this July that I too have faithful family and friends ready to love and embrace me, leaky boat and all. This is what lasts. 

“People don’t take trips—trips take people.” ― John Steinbeck

This has been a season of deaths. Public figures and people in my own story have suddenly been taken from life. Here one minute and gone the next. Others I know are on a longer journey to heaven. This is a hard passage, one I know well. Odysseus set off after the Trojan War for Ithaca with 720 men. They were swept off course and endured many tragedies. All but Odysseus perished during those years. He was the only one to crawl out of the sea back to his home. I am reminded that mortality is an inevitable part of this journey. Thankfully, it doesn’t have to be the end of the story.