“Pointing to another world will never stop vice among us; shedding light over this world can alone help us.” ― Walt Whitman

I’m in a foul mood, bent out of shape at others and my current situation. There’s nothing that I can do about either. I can waste night and day stewing and rehearsing speeches. When living like a hermit, talking to oneself becomes much more normal (and weird, if you ask me). Apparently, I’m acting more and more as if I need “help” at the store.

“Cries for help are frequently inaudible.” ― Tom Robbins

I spent the day running errands. This I do every other Monday when Ana comes to clean up my messy house. She met me as I was loading up to begin my pilgrimage. We visited briefly in the front yard. I parked in the drive like a drunk. Hard for her to squeeze her car in. I apologized. She couldn’t figure out what I meant. On my phone I shared some grandchildren photos. She used to clean up at their house when they lived here. Usually I’m out before she arrives. It’s good to get to see her and get caught up. She was here four years ago to help with my wife during hospice. She then helped me move things out (to her church).

On Mondays during the summer I go up to my office and water my plants. I’m also babysitting plants of others who are off this summer. It’s good to see the staff who are up here. I try to catch up and not talk shop. Sometimes, it can’t be helped. Usually there’s a an Amazon return or some cards to send so, before it gets too hot, I trudge over to the campus post office. On this day, the student worker who was on duty was up to her transcripts in packages stacked up in the tiny space. We talked about how staying busy makes time go by faster. I reminded her that getting to work in the AC was a real blessing on days like this as I headed back outside into the heat toward my building.

“One upside of the heat. Kind of cool to see a cat pant.” ― Jonah Goldberg

The bookstore is near and I had some business to accomplish with the manager. I wish I had been more encouraging on a hot Monday. Sometimes I get sucked into the routines of work interaction and remembering all the details that I forget about being human. Do you remember the familiar quote, “Be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle”?

I had to make a long drive to get myself untangled from my cable tv. I was greeted at the very busy store by Kim. She was helpful like a lifeguard and while she was working magic on her computer I tried to make complements on all the information she had to know how to do. They were also selling cell phones! She told me my new Vans were really cool. We had a whole conversation on the topic – I overshared about my grandson.

On the way to the next door grocery store I passed a lady with a watermelon in her cart. The brown spot where it had sat on the ground was turned up.  I stopped her and told her that I had read the big brown mark was the real way to choose the best melon. She nodded and said she had read about this too. She told me of her belief in the value of reading and learning. It took all of two minutes. I wandered around the store – it was a new one for me to visit. I confess that I spend as much time people watching as searching for Hot Honey. Have you tried it?

At the checkout I typically engage the checker and the bagger in a conversation about how fast they are working, after you check out 300 people, do yo get to go home? My objective is to treat these younger people like real people with thoughts and feelings, not just parts of the machinery. I’m usually wearing a funny (to them) looking hat, so this is an easy encounter.

Later, while checking out at Target we had trouble removing the shoplifting tag. The checkout clerk and I had to move to different registers to find a solution. She finally directed me to the customer service counter (where you go for returns). On the way – remember, at Target there are 700 registers with only two open at any one time, I passed up a huddle of employees and asked if any could help me solve this problem. I got quizzical looks and the male clerk told me he was too busy. I pushed on toward the customer service counter, wondering again why online shopping was taking over.

Back at home I was trying to get my sprinkler system to work. On the phone a technician, I forgot his name, he used mine in our conversation, was very helpful despite my mechanical clumsiness. We talked about the weather, of course, and what it was like for him to try and solve technical problems with people over the phone. I always imagine that these folks have to deal with a lot of frustrated customers who might say things they don’t really mean.

“Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.” ― Kurt Vonnegut

Later in the day, I got a call from my new cable provider, wanting to come out and bury my new fiber optic wire. This had already been done on Saturday. So, I talked with him a moment or two about how all was right and how I appreciated his phone call BEFORE making a trip out in the heat. It’s a good habit to spend more time recognizing what’s working than waste time on when it doesn’t.

My days are NOT filled up with interactions like this. For the introvert like me, I am consciously making efforts when I talk out loud so much. Living like a hermit under the bridge has also caused more of this from me. Humans need connections or they go bad like an old banana.

I didn’t think much at all about my bad mood or crummy circumstances all day. Didn’t have much time to rehearse misery.

There’s a school of counseling that teaches it’s not the situation/person that’s your real problem, it’s the way you think about it. My strategy is to use up more time on others so there’s not enough left to be unhappy about any of the things or people that happen to me.

What do you think?

“The past beats inside me like a second heart.” ― John Banville

We experienced so much freedom in the 70’s. As I look backwards, I remember being so much more watchful when I was a parent. Did I think the world had become more dangerous? Did the introduction of cable TV introduce too much violence and fear into our imaginations? All I know is, we were speeding up and down the highway all summer long. And no one got hurt in the making of any of these memories.

During my last years in high school when we could start to drive, and had our own gas guzzling cars, we would spend summer Saturdays about an hour up north of town on the Comal River. My small group of friends from church would ride the river on black rubber inner tubes that we rented for $5. I’m not sure where I got any money back then. In addition to the freedom we all seemed to experience, there wasn’t a lot of cash being passed out. I always had a job during high school. So when was I having all this fun?

When I look at photos of that river now, it seems very crowded and people are floating on all sorts of multicolored contraptions. All we had were black rubber inner tubes from tires. They were rented once we got up there. Then jammed into a car for a block or two before we could unpack for the day. You wanted to be sure to keep your tube wet, that rubber could burn like fire. I’m not sure we were that concerned about burning. The girls spent a lot time laying around in the sun trying to tan up with lotion all over. We hadn’t heard of SPF or sunscreen. I remember sitting in church on Sunday nights looking in the row ahead at the girls shoulders with skin peeling off.

There is a man-made concrete “chute” – you grabbed your  inner tube and hopped in the calm pool up river. Quickly you grabbed a hold of your friends who were on their own tubes as the river began to slide with more current toward that chute. Then, like a roller coaster tipping over the top, we were all sucked down those rapid waters and in just a minute, were spit out into the rocky roiling aftermath. The most important goal was to hang on to your tube. Even if you got knocked off, just quickly jump up to the surface, cough up the water and look for that empty black promise of safety bobbing away down the river.

It’s important to also jump into the river with your shoes on. An old pair of sneakers. It was almost impossible to keep one’s footing on the slick rocks below without some rubber traction. The day was ended with a squishy walk back to the car. Once I’d found my tube, I always then looked for my friends. The objective was to beat the current and float down the river together.

“Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don’t forget food. You can go a week without laughing.” ― Joss Whedon

Every now and then, rarely, there were people floating past that you wanted to avoid. These were folks who were too friendly, a little wasted, and probably had tattoos. No one had tattoos back then, except the ne’er-do-wells. Most folks we passed on our float down river were friendly fellow travelers. This was back BEFORE things got really crowded, loud and inebriated as they are now. We spent the last part of the day easing down stream, talking about nothing, just making memories out of bits and pieces. Soon, the hot sun would start to move down toward the horizon and one of us would have to get back for something. We loaded up, tired, hot and burnt and drove back to the routine of growing up.

“The past is a foreign country; they do things differently there.” ― L.P. Hartley

I’ve been riding on a river my whole life. Sometimes it’s been a quiet float with casual conversations and the everyday taken for granted activities that make life work so well. Loading the dishwasher and the ritual conversations with loved ones. How was your day, you always say that, I think you can do anything you decide on, didn’t you hear me the first time?

There have also been a number of rides down tumultuous rapids for me. I wish my loved ones could have been spared the fright. But we were all in this together. Even when I knew there would be an end to it, getting pulled under and that loss of control never stopped filling my lungs with terror. Everyone has rides like that because the rivers of living are made with fast waters.

“It takes a very long time to become young.” ― Pablo Picasso

I also bumped tubes with a number of characters as I ride down the river. Some have been lifechanging in all the right ways. There have been others that ended up flipping my tube over and turning my life upside down and under water. As I floated down the river, some of these dangerous people were unavoidable. Sometimes I was just too busy to notice. There have been times when I’ve gotten really wet in the river even when I thought the rapids were behind me.

I’ll never forget those summers on the Comal. I also spent my childhood growing up camping with extended family on the Llano River. Never drowning but coming close. We fished, swam and played until we dropped. No one’s mom really knew what was going on. No one got snakebit, that I remember.

Here I am, still floating on down the river of life. I haven’t lost my tube. I’ve still got loved ones around me. Fast water is surely around the next bend. I just keep telling myself, hang on to your tube and keep your shoes on. 

“You don’t drown by falling in the water; you drown by staying there.” ― Edwin Louis Cole

“Bacon: Duct tape for food.”  ― Darynda Jones

Someone once told me that when he wakes up in heaven every morning it will be to the smell of his favorite coffee brewing and bacon frying in the pan. He told me that sensory experience never fails to set his day off in the right direction. There was such a look of complete happiness on his face, I didn’t want to tell him that I thought heaven was a place with no night, so no getting up in the morning.

And the city has no need of sun or moon, for the glory of God illuminates the city, and the Lamb is its light. The nations will walk in its light, and the kings of the world will enter the city in all their glory. Its gates will never be closed at the end of day because there is no night there.  Revelation 21:23-25

But surely they will serve bacon there!

Nothing smells up the house better than cooking bacon. Maybe it’s the most welcoming aroma for any guest to experience who’s spent the night. And it goes with so much; sandwiches, salads, mac & cheese, hamburgers, baked potatoes, even vegetables.

As I’ve started to think about this topic, it dawns on me that thick cut bacon is now very popular. My theory is that this happened once men started doing more cooking. Taking a look at that paper thin regular bacon surely raised a number of gripes. You have to be so much more careful when cooking that kind. Leave alone for too long and it’s all burned up. Thick cut has now taken over. It holds its shape and seems more like an actual side to the meal instead of a crispy decoration. And you can take care of other items while leaving it alone for a longer time in the pan.

“Okay, this is the wisdom. First, time spent on reconnaissanse is never wasted. Second, almost anything can be improved with the addition of bacon. And finally, there is no problem on Earth that can’t be ameliorated by a hot bath and a cup of tea.” ― Jasper Fforde

Are you doing a good job of buying the best bacon?

Buying bacon can be a real adventure at your local grocery store. For me, getting into the store itself is always a fun experience. I’m trained in ethnomethodology. So as I’m hunting up and down the parking lot I’m not just looking for an empty spot but also at all the people trying to dodge their way past slowly circling vehicles entering and exiting (and not running anyone over) all while everyone has a phone jammed in their face.

I think I’ve previously reported the basic “types” of fellow hunters that can be found in the local grocery. While it’s not as fascinating as people watching at Bucee’s, there’s still a lot to notice at your any local store:

• The slow mover with the handwritten list and confused look (usually an older male). He’s been sent out on a mission, his expression conveys it might be impossible.
• The road block shopper who stops at the entrance, shutting down all access to everyone else, while she digs through her purse, arranges children, talks on the phone and/or looks around in amazement as if just released from solitary confinement.
• There are shoppers who are on a mission with just minutes to spare, moving quickly up and down each aisle ready to run down anyone in their way.
• Children are always present, some trapped in a cart others running loose. Sometimes there’s one who’s very unhappy and letting the world know all about it. If I can get away with it, I will approach the crying child and let them know that Santa Claus is watching…
• Doesn’t matter the age, there are some people in the store who remain oblivious to anyone around them. These shoppers are concentrating with intense effort on each package, reading labels, searching for an obscure can, retracing steps back and forth. Too much research going on to pay attention to who’s in the way.

Picking Out the Bacon

Choosing your package of bacon should be done with great care. It’s not like throwing a can of chicken noodle soup into the cart. Bacon is a product with two colors, pink and white. The curing is what keeps the meat pink. The white is the fat that melts away while you cook it. All true Southerners will have a vessel put away to save their bacon grease for cooking and flavoring something else later, like green beans. You don’t want to spend your money on a pound and a half of bacon that’s going to melt away in the pan. You want to find a package with less white (fat) and mostly pink (meat).

Of course, you see how impossible this can be when there are others shopping for bacon at the same time. Too many fighting for space, nudging shopping carts, grabbing the same packs, etc.  I find that I often have to stand back and wait a few minutes while the mindless shoppers run past, grab their bacon and push off to the next item on their list. My theory about thick sliced bacon and men cooking developed after watching people make their choices. I found that men were more careful, taking the most time when searching for the right one. This is just anecdotal of course – it may be that these guys just don’t know what they’re doing and are slow.

Be careful, the bacon companies will sometimes package their products with a few good looking slices up front where they can be seen – hiding what the package of bacon really looks like. You will need to dig around, pull packages out and search for the best one on the shelf. This can really disorganize things. Be sure to put everything back the way you found it. See, it takes some time and you don’t want to do this with a crowd around you.

These days we are all doing so much surrogate shopping. “Phoning” in or orders and letting someone else do the leg work. When it comes to your bacon, be careful about asking a teenage shopper to pick it out for you. Are you sure you want to let someone else pick out something important like your bacon?

“The tone of any day was set by three things: coffee, bacon, and a plan.” ― Katherine McIntyre

Once You Get Your Bacon Home

Once you’ve opened your package of bacon (usually sold 1.5 pound) you need to get it all cooked in a week. It won’t last much longer than that. For me, all by myself, this can be a  challenge. What I end up doing is after cooking several slices, I put it in the freezer. I will pull it out to cook all at once later or will slice frozen chunks off the end. I fried some pieces with onion the other day to add to a pot of pinto beans. Actually, you could sauté a flip-flop in a pan of bacon and onions and it would be great.

Did you know that there are two types of bacon these days, cured and uncured? Actually, they are both “cured” but the uncured is the natural (and more expensive) version. I bought a package of uncured a few weeks ago, there was a coupon. I thought it was really good, held up well when cooking and not much fat. Felt better without all those nitrate in my system too!

Again, don’t ever pour out your bacon drippings, find somewhere to save them. Why is bacon fat a plural? Mine is in a small jelly jar with a lid on it in the fridge. Just a spoonful here and there when needed – don’t tell my vegetarian friend, she thinks those brussels sprouts just taste great due to my splendid talents.

We now have to cook bacon two different ways in our family, medium rare and crispy/blotted. Everyone deserves to be happy with their bacon in the morning. How do you cook bacon at your place? Do you have a bacon press to keep the ends from curling up? Makes a good Christmas gift.

Post a reply to this – what advice do you have about buying bacon? What about cooking and using bacon? Anyone developed a general bacon philosophy?

“A man is happy so long as he chooses to be happy.”  ― Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

Write it on your heart
that every day is the best day in the year.
He is rich who owns the day, and no one owns the day
who allows it to be invaded with fret and anxiety.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

What causes you to start off your day on the wrong foot?

Is it something different that just depends on circumstances?

But if you think about it, do you realize it’s basically the same thing that causing your bad footing?

I wake up in a rut every day

I wrote about this feeling back in August a year ago (click here) and again this past March. There’s obviously something about being stuck that keeps appearing in my windshield of life.

How can anyone start the day on the right foot after rolling out of a trench in their mattress? I sleep on a mattress that a friend gave us years ago. It’s a queen size and came in a little box, the size of a mini-fridge for a dorm room. When I opened it up, I felt like a giant snake was rapidly uncurling itself. We had to quickly get it moved into the right spot. Looked like a scene from an I Love Lucy episode.

It was a wonderful replacement!  But maybe it’s expired? As the years have gone by, I have slept a trench in my side of the bed. I soon realized I’m sleeping on a mattress that can’t be flipped. It can be rotated, but because of a “topper” it has to remain on one side. So, I rotate periodically. A new mattress is called for, but how do I get rid of this one? It won’t fit into a trash bag!

“Also, I could finally sleep. And this was the real gift, because when you cannot sleep, you cannot get yourself out of the ditch–there’s not a chance.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert

The CDC tells us that 1 out of 3 adults reports not getting enough sleep each day. Sleep is critical for brain health. The CDC reports that “sleeping less than seven hours per day is associated with an increased risk of developing chronic conditions such as obesity, diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, stroke, and frequent mental distress.” To get out of this kind of rut (both physical and mental), I guess I’m going to have to replace my mattress. Why can’t I go online and buy my way out of all of my ruts?

Seems I need to write another blog about my pillows. I can’t find any that are firm enough, or that stay firm over just a few months. I’m too cheap to buy anything real expensive that might just as well be as unreliable as the low price duds I buy at Target (and replace over and over again). Got any suggestions?

This week I read that more than one-third of American couples practice what’s called a sleep divorce. Because one partner makes sleeping so difficult for the other – they sleep in separate rooms. Think snoring. Typically, this isn’t a permanent option for most, just a periodic practice when lack of sleep gets too frustrating. I remember a time when I would get up in the middle of the night and wander the house, waking up in the guest bed hours later. No one was snoring, I was just restless and maybe sleepwalking a little. There was no empty side of the bed back then.

“We get into the habit of living before acquiring the habit of thinking.” ― Albert Camus

Some nights I get up and just stumble around like a zombie to the other side of the bed. The other side doesn’t have a rut in it. Why not just permanently move over to that side? We are creatures of habit. I’m all set up on “my” side. It’s also closer to the bathroom.

Is there a larger lesson here about the rest of life?

Am I living other parts of my life like this? I finally wake up to the discomfort, but I don’t really address the cause. Instead of solving the problem, I’m just moving around resituating myself. This type of avoidance is a common response. Humans are typically more comfortable with the familiar and resist change. Even if it means sleeping in a rut. Most of the time this is all unconscious. So, I’m probably a normal person who can’t get my important papers all organized or resolving those longstanding relationship issues. It may not be procrastination, it may be too much isolation and not enough information.

I was watching a really entertaining series about three “older” guys driving a variety of vehicles across different parts of the world (Top Gear). In one episode (maybe all?) someone got his car stuck in a deep rut in the road.

To get out, the driver received much advice from his fellows on the journey. Some he didn’t appreciate. In life, everyone’s an expert or at least has a wise word to offer. Ultimately, in this episode, they would put their shoulders to the bumper and help push and pull the stuck vehicle out of the mud, mire and rut. To get out of ruts in life, it usually takes help from others on the road. The trick is, getting advice from the right people – those who know what they’re talking about.

“You don’t fail when you get into a problem, it’s when you get stuck into it.” ― Mahendar Singh Jakhar

Getting out isn’t impossible

It’s easier to just not make a change – that’s how it is for most people. Maybe the certainty of this mattress with the trench is more comfortable than the uncertainty and imagined hassle with getting a replacement. How do I know for sure the right kind of replacement? I’ll just keep rotating my discomfort. In print that doesn’t make much sense.

One theory of personal change tells us that it all depends on our positive attitude about the possibility of the change and the reinforcement of our friends (Theory of Reasoned Action).

There’s another theory that teaches personal change is more likely when we are surrounded by others who are modeling the target behavior for us. We also need to have the resources necessary to make positive changes – like know-how and time (Social Cognitive Theory).

Getting the right people involved in your life seems like the way out of the rut. Learning all you can and then believing it’s possible are also critical keys to getting unstuck. Too often we believe that being stuck is a personality defect. Mostly, it’s a problem of isolation and ignorance. 

To get out of my rut, I need to do some research, talk to others and set a target time frame to get it all done. See, that’s not hard, is it?

*If this is worth a read, pass it on to someone else. Be sure that you are “following” the blog – see the link on the left.

“I am no bird; and no net ensnares me: I am a free human being with an independent will.” ― Charlotte Brontë

It’s July 4, Independence Day as I sit to put all of these thoughts together.

This afternoon some rain and thunder finally arrived. This is making me feel relieved, less isolated due to the heat (like being in solitary confinement), and reminding me that even the weather is one big cycle that turns and turns. Maybe more tomorrow.

“Look at the rain long enough, with no thoughts in your head, and you gradually feel your body falling loose, shaking free of the world of reality. Rain has the power to hypnotize.” ― Haruki Murakami

We are a people who are taught to crave independence. Human beings are completely dependent on others for survival and to learn how to thrive in the world. It’s a strange paradox that often produces harmful consequences.

I was thinking about several recent examples of independence put into practice that have produced some startling consequences…

The Russian Invasion of Ukraine

Ukraine has had a long history of domination by powerful neighbors.  It has been an independent nation for over 30 years – since the fall of the USSR. NATO and the West have stepped in to help the small country defend itself from the unprovoked invasion by its former communist overlord. So far, $75 billion from the U.S. to support the Ukrainian war effort. You’ll remember that in 2014 Russia invaded and annexed the Crimean region of Ukraine.

This reminds me of a statement that famous WNBA player Brittney Griner made after being arrested and imprisoned in Russia. She complained that she had not been read her rights upon being first arrested. We take so much for granted as Americans with our Bill of Rights.

Individual Debt

The average American is $96,371 in debt. That’s a record. This includes mortgage, vehicle loans and credit card payments. President Biden proposed forgiving up to $20,000 in student loan debt for 43 million Americans. The Supreme Court just ruled that he is not empowered by the Constitution to spend that kind of money.

Capitalism is working really well – enticing us to buy, buy, buy. A booming economy with more choices than ever before in history, allowing us all to flex our individual freedom of choice. All in an effort to dress, drive and own what helps us to stand out and express who we want to be.  Also, the freedom to sink into catastrophic debt.

40-Year-Olds Yet to Marry

At this time, 25% of adults aged 40 have never been married. That’s the highest percent since we’ve been collecting this kind of data back in 1900. There is an education gap forming as well. More adults who are not married by age 40 have also not been to college. A larger number of college graduates are married. Not getting married is probably less related to acquired knowledge and more to available careers. The social pressure to follow a common life course has come apart. Our individual decisions about relationships are shaped much more by a less than certain economy and diminished stigma about cohabitation.

“I am an American; free born and free bred, where I acknowledge no man as my superior, except for his own worth, or as my inferior, except for his own demerit.” ― Theodore Roosevelt

As an introvert who has to spend much of my time out front “performing” – I certainly need a lot of down time. This used to bother my wife when we were first married. She thought she had done something wrong when I would come home and refuse to “talk about my day.” I could have done a better job. I wish I had. Once she read a description of my personality type, that there actually was a term for weirdos like me, it was the greatest breakthrough in our life together!

Maybe people want to do it “their way” too much? Maybe our culture is pushing us to think like this? Now that I have all the alone time I can stand, living by myself, it’s brutal! Getting to go out and share time with family and friends is just what I need each week. I got two phone calls from dear friends last week. We got caught up and I felt new life running through my veins and brain.

It’s Independence Day and I’m living the most independent I’ve ever been in my whole life. In reality, I now realize how dependent I am. More so than ever before. I always have been, just blind most of the time to the reality. I placed a picture of my grandmother up in my bedroom where I would see her all the time.  Looking backward (isn’t that what happens once you’ve turned the corner?) I realize how dependent I was on her. How would I have ever made it if she hadn’t been in my life?

How am I going to be that kind of person to others?

It’s Independence Day, what a great time to also remember all the people, gone but not forgotten, who have made me into me. They didn’t realize they were doing that. They were just spending their time, paying attention, making me think I mattered, acting out their love.

What a great day each year to remember and realize how dependent I choose to remain, on God and everyone else in my life. What about you?

“We need to help people to discover the true meaning of love. Love is generally confused with dependence. Those of us who have grown in true love know that we can love only in proportion to our capacity for independence.” ― Fred Rogers

“The month of August had turned into a griddle where the days just lay there and sizzled.” ― Sue Monk Kidd

I’ve just returned from a trip across Texas to see my family. Typically, I don’t enjoy traveling. Getting to be with my children and grandchildren is always worth it. Once I got back into my house late Sunday, something was wrong. My very outdated air conditioner stopped working. I had expected this for years. The old machine’s time has long past. Why didn’t I get the free checkup the power company was offering? The repair company couldn’t send anyone until Thursday. These are the times that try men’s souls.

A colleague from work lent me a portable air conditioner that I set up in my bedroom. Another reason to hide out. I’ve taken to my bed these days for several reasons. The new chair in the living room, wide enough to fit my grandson and me but not too comfortable when flying solo. The noisy new neighbors and their exciting pool parties just a few feet away. Now, hiding away in the only room that’s a bearable temperature.

External conditions have always shaped my life in ways that work out well and in a few disastrous falls down the stairs. Four days suffering without AC during a heatwave started to remind me of how critical the environment can be in molding life. The days I spent with my family revealed again to me the tremendous futures my grandchildren will have in life because of the careful investment of love, time and attention their parents have invested in their rich relational environment.

I’m able to witness faculty where I work who spend time developing important relationships with students – making learning so much more meaningful. Watching these mentoring experiences I always see faces lit up with excitement with new discoveries and challenges. It’s a remarkable condition that can cause deeper learning and self-discovery.

Sitting here in this heat reminded me how defeating some conditions can be. I’ve worked in places that had poisonous cultures. People came to the office and died a little more each day. Friends of mine have described family situations that were anything but nurturing. Then there are health conditions that can bring out the best and the worst in people and their circles. I’ve witnessed those who have risen gallantly to almost impossible battles with cancer. Still others have collapsed into blame and fear.

“What I allow into my head finds its way to my heart, which is a porthole to my soul. Therefore, I might be wise to consider the state of my soul, and then walk this process backwards.” ― Craig D. Lounsbrough

When I went to pick up the borrowed portable air conditioner, I was warned about missing the crucial turnoff as many often do.  As an older man I now look back at my younger life and see so much that I had missed. There were so many signs I didn’t see and turns I should have taken. Maybe having someone there, to backseat drive a little might have helped.

My air conditioner was repaired on Wednesday afternoon. I was then out the door for a trip down to Galveston to have dinner with family. They’re young, working hard, starting out their lives in a city faraway from family and friends.  Maybe they could use a little air conditioning? 

“For a driver to be driven by somebody else is always an ordeal, for there are only three types of drivers; the too fast, the timid and oneself.” ― Virginia Graham

I was driving to lunch the other day with a colleague from work. After hearing the comment “I’ve never taken this route before,” I immediately thought about living life now with no co-pilot sitting next to me on most of my driving adventures.

During my marriage, the co-pilot sitting next to me really did know it all when it came to where we ought to be turning. She was never hesitant to express her very strong opinions. And of course, I was so hard-headed that even when uncertain, as I usually was, I’d go ahead and take the wrong turn just to prove my ignorant point. I’m left wondering, how did we ever get anywhere?

The running joke is always that the other person in the car with you is a constant source of frustration. Since males do almost all of the driving here in our society, the co-pilot is usually female. The war between the sexes continues in our car rides. She is forever giving him directions or commenting on his choices about the turn he didn’t take. He is defending his masculine need to know what he’s doing. Were they doing this while riding around in chariots so long ago?

“There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.” ― Will Rogers

Recent surveys report that people prefer driving directions provided on their phone to what is built into their vehicle. People also report that they believe using technologies in their vehicle will reduce backseat driving interference – informing the driver of blind spot dangers or missing potential collisions. I think there’s still much debate about the accuracy of internet provided directions. It seems that directions can change depending on which service one uses.

I remember using Uber to go back and forth to work while my vehicle was being repaired after a collision. It was a very short trip each day. The drivers were using navigation technology from their phones. The directions provided for this simple trip were different each day. Before you say it, traffic had nothing to do with it.

“In a relationship, people may be inhabited by discordant personalities. For that reason, it might be convenient for partners if one of both could sometimes be a little hard of hearing, or the other a bit shortsighted. ” ― Erik Pevernagie

All of this to say, despite our technology, there’s still probably a very interesting and sometimes heated conversation taking place in the cockpit of most two partner vehicle rides. Back to my lunch trip the other day…

I told my friend how much different my own solitary driving had become. Mostly it’s an adventure filled with wrong turns, overly concentrated attention and puzzled exclamations – “didn’t I already pass that big tree?” Having that taken-for-granted co-pilot was worth every second of frustration I thought I was feeling. Balanced against the wasted miles driving in circles trying to communicate with that automated voice coming out of my dashboard.

In my opinion, despite the feelings of frustration (maybe this is just a script for males?) and pre-arrival arguing, having a co-pilot is worth it. Haven’t you always heard that we never appreciate the value of anything until it’s gone? When the AC goes out in summer, the internet is down while taking an online quiz, that vehicle is out of gas (halfway to your destination). Humans just seem to take too much for granted. I know I do.

“Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. ” ― Wendell Johnson

There are people in your life who aren’t here anymore, aren’t there to give you driving directions, even when you think you don’t need them. But there are people who are sitting right there next to you (or who are a phone call away). Why not take advantage and ask for a little advice. The whole point isn’t so much getting where you need to go (or getting advice) as much as it is getting somewhere together. 

“Love’s value is not dependent on the person receiving it, but on the person giving it.” ― Jeffrey Fry

Sometimes, the way to a solution is just a little adjustment.

“The problems are solved, not by giving new information, but by arranging what we have known since long.”― Ludwig Wittgenstein

I went into the garage the other day. Always the potential for a mysterious adventure. I have cleaned it out considerably – so give me a little credit. I was retrieving the high chair for my granddaughter’s visit. Looking down on the handicapped shower chair (who needs one of these?) I noticed our little black portable step. My brain started turning over and over again.

If you’re human, you’ve surely had an encounter or two with someone, or two, who was just plain difficult. Frustration with people often escalates to the point where we begin to think and act in absolutes. We assign others to rigid categories and limit our thinking to black and white choices:

“You always say things like that”

“He never listens to my point of view”

“She’s in another one of her crazy moods again”

I’m a social scientist – so I try to look for external causes first before diagnosing anyone hard-headed and woefully wrong. Our people filled environments are usually the culprits behind the out of order thinking and acting that cause friction and harm.

When my wife was waging war with cancer, it eventually moved into her brain. She had a tumor sitting on the muscle movement section, right up front. This caused her to lose strength in her legs. Eventually it became impossible for her climb into her tall bed or up into the passenger seat in our SUV.  She needed an immediate solution so that she could live each day as normal as possible.

Somehow, we found a little fold-up portable step that could be taken and set down by the passenger door. It was even easier to unfold it next to the bed so she could get in and out with ease. Such a small little tool, very easy to use, folded up and tucked out of the way – and it dramatically improved living with cancer.

When I saw that step stool in the garage the other day, I thought about someone at work who was bent out of shape and putting others into easy to manage categories. It wasn’t accurate, fair or helpful. I couldn’t help myself. I asked a clarifying question or two, hoping to help my friend see a wider angle or what the truth looked like from another perspective. Each of us should practice more at making sure we are seeing things clearly and not letting our wacked out emotions steer the ship.

Just stopping for a minute and asking some questions can refine my focus.

Listening to another perspective helps to see a wider panorama. 

Noticing my language toward others – is it full of absolutes and certainties?

Just like that little portable step stool, something small has the potential to make a big difference in solving a problem.  As I stared down at that folded up plastic step, I remembered how much of life it had given back to us. It had put out of sight many frustrating arguments and made each day – getting in and out of bed and traveling to the doctor or rehab something manageable. We were then able to think about what mattered more.

“By approaching my problems with “What might make things a little better?” rather than “What is the solution?” I avoid setting myself up for certain frustration. My experience has shown me that I am not going to solve anything in one stroke; at best I am only going to chip away at it.”  ― Hugh Prather

Is there a little adjustment, something small, you could do to make your own life (and the lives of others) so much easier?

How could a little plastic step stool (hint; metaphor) help you think about making some little changes in your thinking?

Use more thoughtful gestures and expressions in your casual interactions.

Accurate words (the truth) to communicate and frame your own self-talk.

Avoid falling into that tired script when you face that problem, again.

“Every single day in a thousand different ways, the script that I am writing across the pages of my life is dramatically impacting how others are writing theirs. And if I dare to recognize that I am writing far more scripts than this single one that I hold in my hand, would I not hold the page of this day and apply the pen of how I lived it in an unimaginably different way?” ― Craig D. Lounsbrough

Maybe you should read this post in the evening…

“I have always believed, and I still believe, that whatever good or bad fortune may come our way we can always give it meaning and transform it into something of value.” ― Hermann Hesse

I feel like I need to write something uplifting. But there has been much suffering in my circles lately. How do I find something to encourage? How do I help others to get through these hard days?

• Random mass shootings
• Aging parents in hospice care
• Marriages coming apart

Today I heard the word “destiny” in a song lyric.

I wrote down some thoughts hastily – trying to put today’s suffering into a larger context, to give it some meaning. It helps me, the time I take to think about what’s happening before just reacting in fear and anger.

What is my destiny right now?

What am I supposed to be doing and saying TODAY? What actions could take my attentions away from self-pity, anger, fear, and focus on helping someone else who might be in the same boat? So often, bad situation can dump so much worry on my shoulders that I spend too much energy on the imagined cares of tomorrow. I’m missing what could and should be done right now.

What is my destiny day by day?

As I go on about my daily routines – do my job, so to speak, what am I really supposed to be accomplishing? This is when the tyranny of the urgent gets in the way. I end my week and discover that I can’t remember anything I did, at least anything worth remembering. I was rowing the boat but not sure where I was heading. Why did I waste so much effort and thought on what didn’t seem to last? I think about what kept me from sleeping at night, what I worried about. I can’t even remember a few weeks later what these torments were.

The danger here is that I’m going on about my business, so often in a hum-drum way – but bypassing what matters. Usually that means people get overlooked and unspoken to – at least in meaningful ways. Do you ever have to make conscious efforts to turn away from the screen and maintain eye contact with people who have interrupted you? I’m aware now that I need to be doing this more often, paying better attention to people.

“Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone – we find it with another.” ― Thomas Merton

What is my long-term destiny?

What are your big life plans? Don’t you have career goals all mapped out? Do you remember earlier in life when you started thinking about the turns your life was going to make as you moved from one stage to the next? I spend time with college students and we talk about these kinds of big future dreams. I must confess, I don’t do enough mentoring about making significant differences with the future. Mostly we talk about dreams, education and goals. As I looked back at all my students over the past 25 plus years, I wish I had used some of my own long-term experiences to give some wise counsel about dedicating one’s life to things that matter most.

“If you want to identify me, ask me not where I live, or what I like to eat, or how I comb my hair, but ask me what I am living for, in detail, ask me what I think is keeping me from living fully for the thing I want to live for.” ― Thomas Merton

What about my destiny over my lifetime?

Over the course of my entire life, what will I have lived for? This is the place where people wonder what gets written on their tombstones or read at their memorial services. At my wife’s memorial service I thought it was a wonderful testimony to who she was – I also thought she would be very embarrassed by all the kindness. Typically our self-talk is too negative. We need to hear the truth from others more consistently so that we have an accurate picture of who we really are. Do you ever take the time to tell the truth to people in your life? What are you doing right now, today, that will slowly add up and become the story they tell about you one day? We are all writing ours right this minute.

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” ― Søren Kierkegaard

What’s your eternal destiny?

Survey’s tell us that young people don’t think too much about the end of their lives. That’s one reason why their auto insurance rates are so much higher. We were organizing a prayer list and had several names of people struggling with life and death health issues. People who were our age (many in the room were grandparents) had concerns about their own aging parents. In this group we begin to think about the sum total of our days. Or at least who’s going to inherit all the junk in my garage?

“All the world’s a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.”
― Seán O’Casey

I was speaking with a colleague about heaven. In the history of the world, life was so uncertain, life expectancy short, disaster around every corner – heaven was very necessary. I told him that in our day, health insurance, long life, retirement plans and air conditioning makes heaven less an everyday thought.

Do you ever think about what will happen to you when you die? What’s your destiny? Is this all there is?

“To make the improving of our own character our central aim is hardly the highest kind of goodness. True goodness forgets itself and goes out to do the right thing for no other reason than that it is right.” — Lesslie Newbigin

Your destiny is going to happen today. All those little decisions you make turn into who and how you are becoming. The people in your life, those you love and even some you don’t know, need you to be that person of destiny. Your life is contributing to the destiny of others. Awaken and be aware of each step you take into that future.

“Many people are good at talking about what they are doing, but in fact do little. Others do a lot but don’t talk about it; they are the ones who make a community live.” ― Jean Vanier

I’m doing it again. In the rain this week, dodging mud puddles, I realized I had spent a wonderful casual meeting with a colleague with me doing almost all of the talking. It’s as if I switch over to hostage mode and start blabbing without being able to stop!

So here’s my new strategy. Instead of bemoaning my bad behavior and feeling awful in hindsight, I’m going to do something intentional at all my social interactions. I’m going to make certain that I ask at least five questions first. Then, and only then, am I allowed to slide into my confessional over-talking. I just tried it out with a friend at lunch. I think it worked. Of course, she had an agenda that she wanted to talk about. She’s always very deliberative like that. Keeps me from taking over. I’m anxious to try it out again.

“Pray don’t talk to me about the weather, Mr. Worthing. Whenever people talk to me about the weather, I always feel quite certain that they mean something else. And that makes me quite nervous.” ― Oscar Wilde

When you’re asking five questions, maybe these simple rules will help:

• Each question must demonstrate genuine interest in the other person.
• Questions should be connected – because you are really listening.
• Questions and body language have to match – if you’re not looking, you’re not really interested.
• The purpose of these questions is keep you from doing all the talking – especially if you’re like me these days and tend to start blabbing like a three-year-old telling on her big brother – so don’t turn your question into a sermon!

“You cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time.” ― M. Scott Peck

“You’re short on ears and long on mouth.” ― John Wayne

These five questions aren’t what we like to call “conversation starters.” Those are usually sort of shallow and are shared between people who are unfamiliar. These are like doorways you are establishing to allow someone else to be engaged and to keep you from accidentally dominating.

Think about this:

• How about a follow up question to an ongoing discussion or event?
• You could always refer back to previous conversations and ask a follow up.
• Asking for clarification is an excellent strategy to demonstrate that you really are listening.
• Has something happened in the world that you’d like to get this person’s perspective about?
• Valuing someone’s opinion about a problem or situation means you’re going to have to listen when you ask (and stop explaining or clarifying).

I left lunch today feeling so much better about that interaction because I had been deliberate about listening. For me, right now, I’m going to have to be like this. What about you? Research tells us that your spouse can be a fairly accurate judge of listening skills and practices.  They are sort of the expert on you right now.

“Many men talk like philosophers and live like fools.” ― Philip K. Dick

I now need to work on simple and short answers to casual questions that people ask in passing. I notice that I’m divulging way too many details. The poor person at the door is getting this panicked look in his face. “Is this going to be on the test?” People are genuinely interested, they just don’t have the time or emotional investment to hear that much.

Keep growing up

You’d think by this age in life I would have all of this down by heart. New situations in life have knocked me off balance. I can’t find the railing as easily as I once did. Hasn’t that ever happened to you?  Life changes can cause new needs in life. We read about aging parents who have had to suddenly change their living situation, lose a spouse or a debilitating medical crisis suddenly strikes. So often, people in these situations spiral quickly toward their end. There are many explanations, one important one is an inability to adjust and compensate.

Is there a big lesson here? Keep learning and transforming. Don’t stop thinking about what’s happening to you and how you can keep growing up. I’m watching my five-year-old grandson grow taller and taller. I want him to one day be able to say that he could also see that I too was growing and changing, as I should be.

“If the point of life is the same as the point of a story, the point of life is character transformation. If I got any comfort as I set out on my first story, it was that in nearly every story, the protagonist is transformed. He’s a jerk at the beginning and nice at the end, or a coward at the beginning and brave at the end. If the character doesn’t change, the story hasn’t happened yet. And if story is derived from real life, if story is just condensed version of life then life itself may be designed to change us so that we evolve from one kind of person to another. ” ― Donald Miller