“The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, not the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Ben Stiller, the actor and comedian, recently completed a documentary about his famous parents.  Stiller and Meara as they were known got their big break on the Ed Sullivan show in the 60’s. Anyone remember him?

I fell over laughing at these two during their appearances on the Seinfeld and King of Queens television shows. They weren’t doing their famous act but instead were portraying parents of characters on the shows. While they didn’t always work together – there was a classic “Graduate” homage between the two that was unforgettable. Lost on most with no pop culture history.

I bring all of this up because Ben Stiller captures on film some significant personal revelations about his own journey and discovers big truths about family that are eternal. His father, Jerry, recorded their history as a family on tape and film. There were mountains of data to sift through. Much of the documentary centers on Ben and his sister sorting through their parents’ apartment after their deaths.

They discovered that as different as each of their parents were (Jewish and Irish Catholic), they worked as hard on their relationship as they did on their show business career. It was a struggle for each of the 61 years they were married – proven again and again on tape. Ben had decided he wasn’t going to make parenting mistakes as a Hollywood star. Yet as he interviewed his own grown children for the documentary, that’s exactly what he had done. You can see his heart breaking on camera as he hears his son smile and tell the stories of his dad’s failures.

Ben and his wife ended up separating after a twenty-year marriage. Their two children were 15 and 17. In the documentary they talk about their own marriage framed within revelations about his own mom and dad. During the COVID crisis lock-down, spending time together going through the apartment and now making the documentary seemed to help each realize that their marriage and family was worth all the extra effort it always takes. They are now back together.

As he should, Ben describes a lot of lessons he has learned about himself from this project. His parents continue to guide him. Their example led him to reorient many of his priorities. I’m probably reading too much into this. But I think there’s a happy ending to the story. You should watch it.

Nothing is Lost

“Happiness [is] only real when shared” ― Jon Krakauer

I’ve done this before. When I think about why we were all designed to be social I always come up with so many examples – mostly items that we take for granted. Isn’t that how life is…remember Joni Mitchell’s lyrics?

Here’s part of my list – we need other people in our lives. Ben Stiller was smart to start working hard to get his family back together. Your personal happiness isn’t worth much when you look into the eyes of someone else who just needs you.

• Somone to make you breakfast in bed on Saturday morning. All those regular reminders we take for granted.
• A backseat driver to keep you from getting lost, again and again. I keep ending up in Fort Worth despite the digital helpers.
• Some much-needed feedback, even when you’re right in the middle of giving the lesson to a crowded room full of people who think you’re the expert. One look says a thousand words.
• Talking it out together, BEFORE it’s too late. Listening and hearing takes trust.
• All that positive reinforcement to counteract the poison you hear everyday. Don’t join the chorus. Sing a solo she will always love to hear.
• Someone to share with all the labors of living. It’s not called “divide and conquer” for nothing.
• “Does this make me look fat?”
• You just thought you knew how to load the dishwasher the right way.
• All that help choosing what to have for dinner…where to meet for lunch…what to watch on TV tonight…where to go for fun on Saturday. Life’s too short to spend it on the couch playing with the remote.

Stiller and Meara inspired me. There are a lot of people around me that inspire. Sure, they roll their eyes at each other. You can tell that story has been told too many times. One is doing too much talking, the other not enough. I get a kick out of watching couples raising children. At the end of the day, all of the people in my world are figuring it out because they know how much love matters. When you love, it doesn’t really matter which way the forks get loaded in the dishwasher.

“To make one, there must be two.” ― W.H. Auden