We were at the doctor’s office that morning. Our grandson was arriving that day. It was to be an induced delivery, so we all were gathering around and waiting for his long anticipated entrance into our world. The first grandchild.

But, we were in our oncologist’s office first. He had to give us the report that my wife’s brain tumor was back on the loose. She had undergone several treatments, even brain surgery.

“Success is a little like wrestling a gorilla. You don’t quit when you’re tired. You quit when the gorilla is tired.” ― Robert Strauss

The oncologist was a wonderful mixture of loving care and indominatable  determination. He held my wife’s hands, as he always did, and reminded her that her fight had taken her to this glorious day – when her grandchild was arriving. She was not to lose sight of this great victory. The days ahead would be filled with more battles. It was a tremendous reminder of the deep lesson we were learning with each step of this journey – numbering our days and make each one count.

We went to the other hospital and shared the magic and joy that spilled all over the place as this little man came into our lives. She never said a word to anyone about what she learned that morning. She never let it shadow any part of that day. I was the only one who knew her broken heart, that she must have been thinking of how holding him in her arms must be cherished so tight in that very moment.

“There are moments when I wish I could roll back the clock and take all the sadness away, but I have the feeling that if I did, the joy would be gone as well.” ― Nicholas Sparks

They had a year together. For the past five years, we have worked hard to remind him of who she is (still in our lives) with lots of photos and video clips. As he gets older there will be stories to tell.

As he grows up and with the arrival of his sister, I determined that I needed to work twice as hard to love them both. There were two sets of shoes to fill. They have moved away, so I have not been in his sisters life as much as I was in his. Technology has helped us so much – we Zoom with each other all the time. And, they’re not that far away.

Here’s what loving twice as hard has looked like:

Donuts with sprinkles
Folding big piles of little clothes
Helping flip pancakes
Teaching some dance moves to great rock n roll
Taking a bath
Chasing someone down the street who wouldn’t come back!
Racing Hot Wheels
Shooting some hoops
Changing diapers
Rolling out pizza dough
This little piggy
Reading Cat in the Hat at bedtime
Five AM wake up with Peppa Pig and Captain Crunch all together in my bed
Messages in the mail

What’s the most important to me is that my children and grandchildren not live with absence and regret. That I do whatever I can to fill up this empty space in all our lives. As much as I can. I realize, as I try to get that Christmas tree to stop leaning, what a poor substitute I am. All the help really helps!

“It’s so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone.”

― John Steinbeck

Of course, that empty place will always be there. That bed got so much bigger. The house is very still. I’m trying hard to keep it picked up. Thinking about how to love some more is a good way to stay out of the dark. Despite all of the encouragement and hands on deck, my Christimas tree is a faded shadow in comparison.

There have been times when I needed to be loved hard. Many more when I was hard to love. These are the days to focus on how to love hard. Loving hard means when you’re tired, distracted, mad, frustrated, perplexed, lonely or worried. Twice as hard is on my plate right now. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Despite being 279 miles away. How can I make today count? Six years old is almost here.

I really wish you would consider passing this along to someone else, I bet you and I are the only ones reading these!