“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.” ― Andy Warhol

A friend I don’t see too often was sitting next to me at church. She asked me if I had retired yet. We were in the same general area where several years ago a little old man addressed me as “sir.” This too really sent me into spin.

Things keep changing in my life. I guess if I could see them coming, I’d have gotten out of the way. I’m not happy about most. It is what it is. 

My illusions about the degree of control I possess have been leaking out of this little dinghy I call my life for several years now. Once I get this hole dealt with and prayed about, another one at the other end sprouts up. I’m going to have to get out of this boat and find a new way to think about moving through life – maybe in a tank? A helicopter? Surely not hiding in a cave!

“People often believed they were safer in the light, thinking monsters only came out at night. But safety – like light – is a façade.” ― C.J. Roberts

Recently I decided I needed to go to the mall – who does that anymore? – and check out something first hand. Late the previous evening I had gone for a walk and it was still in the 90’s! I thought to myself, while I’m at the mall, why not get in some steps? But then just as quickly, I realized I had inadvertently drifted into the senior adult lane of life. I found myself having to swerve out of the way of fast passing speed walkers. Someone figured out how to get in your steps while avoiding car traffic and enjoying the air conditioning a long time ago.

It was a foreign country to me. My local mall, like yours, has changed dramatically. How did I sleep through it all? I got hooked on online purchasing – that’s one reason.  But there are others that help explain why I’ve been living a distracted life. The pandemic, fighting cancer, new models for higher education, trying to get back up on the horse, all took more time and attention than I realized.

I look up and it seems I’m in the wrong car going in a direction I hadn’t planned. While I walked the same paths for over 25 years, It can seem foreign, both the people and places. This is probably due to my loss of the taken-for-granted daily companionship. Debriefing, getting feedback, listening are essential for keeping all your marbles in the right order. 

“Attention is the beginning of devotion.” ― Mary Oliver

A friend and his teenage son went to a football game with me recently. Afterwards the high schooler reported to his mom that I reminded him of his own grandfather – because I kept talking to strangers. I think that’s new for me. I too have noticed this odd behavior. Odd for me. It feels very normal right now, to ask the young girl bagging my groceries how hard her job is in this heat. Does it feel like one day closer to Christmas? When I can get their attention, I try to say something (usually stupid) to students I pass by all day. “Did you learn enough today?”

That pandemic really shook up my internal clock. I still feel as if I fell through a worm hole and ended up on the wrong side of reality. Could it be possible that I too have changed and haven’t really noticed it? Circumstances all around me have shifted in both subtle and drastic ways. To navigate those waters, my own life has become like a foreign mall.

Jamais-vu is the term for being in a familiar situation but having that strange feeling that something or everything is not the same. The opposite feeling as the well-known term deja-vu. Sometimes while looking out the back window at home, watching the birds eat seeds I’ve set out, I feel like I’m in the wrong place. Everyone left and I wasn’t paying attention.

Moving so fast, I’ve already sped past the last regret sign on the highway. When I was young, I thought I knew what I wanted my life to be about. If only I could go back in time and have a long conversation with that naïve and isolated individual. I’m not sure what I’d say. He needed some warning and a lot of encouragement.

“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” ― Joseph Campbell

My trip to the mall reminded me again about the slow creep of change that can  spring up like an unexpected greeting at church or the height of a nephew. I am usually in a hurry. Drive too fast. Waiting for the day to end. I don’t know what for? Maybe an upcoming event. The wheel of time rolls on and on. As I age, it does move faster. I need to hit the blinker and slide over to a much slower lane. I’m missing out on the lives around me while I rush and rush to just wait for the next day.

“…they never see what they’re too much of a hurry to look for” ― Norton Juster

*This is supposed to sound reflective and help us all to put our lives into perspectives that matter. Blogs aren’t literature, they should be written much faster than I do. Thank you for your patience and prayers.

Would you consider passing this blog link on to some of your friends? My number of readers is dwindling fast.