Some Words to a Friend

“People do not die for us immediately, but remain bathed in a sort of aura of life which bears no relation to true immortality but through which they continue to occupy our thoughts in the same way as when they were alive. It is as though they were traveling abroad.” ― Marcel Proust

Death has been near over the past weeks. Friends and family have experienced loss, some expected, others very sudden. A dear friend from my past recently went through the slow decline and then death of her spouse. What in the world could I say or write down to offer as comfort? Friends have lost a parent, sibling, close friends. One friend is flying halfway around the world to bury his father. Some have colleagues at work who have become gravely ill and are fearful. My own loss was in 2019, but the pandemic has made it seem like a never ending misery.

“Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o-er wrought heart and bids it break.” ― William Shakespeare

Image result for walking together on the beach sunset

What I did was sit and make a list describing my experiences, hoping something might help or encourage. Maybe something would be useful to others I know (and don’t) who are also traveling this kind of road.

“When someone you love dies, and you’re not expecting it, you don’t lose her all at once; you lose her in pieces over a long time—the way the mail stops coming, and her scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in her closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of her that are gone. Just when the day comes—when there’s a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that she’s gone, forever—there comes another day, and another specifically missing part.” ― John Irving

  1. There’s a hard part every day. Sometimes it’s a simple little routine, like coming out of Starbucks (her favorite haunt). Other times, like today, it’s a letter from my niece telling me about her upcoming wedding. I’m not writing about all the fond remembrances. What I mean here is a punch in the gut, a difficult swerve in the road that can take my breath away. Hard parts are not to be avoided. They are an important piece of the journey. It is what it is.
  2. This isn’t something that one day you will “get over” or “put behind you” – despite all of the best sentiments of your loved ones and even casual acquaintances. I think living with loss is a permanent part of life.
  3. Memory is a living, breathing presence.
  4. For others, even family, a segment of their life has gone, someone who filled an important part. But the rest of their lives goes on, day by day. For you, your ENTIRE life has now been scattered to the four winds and what’s left will need to be reordered, from the ground up. The rest of your circle does not share the same experience.
  5. Some parts of life and living will need to be changed as you walk into your next chapter. But other parts should remain as healthy anchors to what mean so much (see #3)
  6. There are probably other people that will need some of your attention and love – because of their own loss and grief. You are the closest person they have who remains.
  7. Re-establishing a new routine is vital. It’s little things that will matter. The current circumstances are making this nearly impossible.
  8. I had to gently tell people to stop asking me if there was anything I needed. Instead I said, if you feel like there’s something you should do, it’s probably God’s Spirit nudging you to action. Don’t let me get in the way!
  9. Spending so much time alone has turned me into a real chatterbox when I’m with others. At times I stand beside myself and look over and don’t even recognize who I’ve become. It tells me how much I need social interaction – this pandemic is unhealthy for all of us – even without catching COVID.
  10. Eating meals alone has become a problem:
    • I’ve stopped cooking
    • There are too many leftovers when I do
    • I am too often poisoning myself with past its due date food
    • Then there’s always the danger of developing scurvy
    • I’m eating pre-made salads with kale now, yuck!
  11. I’m having to learn how to play two roles at once. Activities I could ignore and take for granted because she was managing all of that (keeping up with details about family members for example) now need my full attention. Things now happen – or don’t because I’m not asking questions or expressing wishes. I’ve got to be more aware as I’m 100% of this now non-existent couple.
  12. Because of the social isolation caused by the pandemic, I’m having a hard time figuring out the cause of the drift I experience in my life. Will it pass once the global virus is gone? Or is this my new norm that I need to become more hands-on about?
  13. I have experienced WONDERFUL connections to family and friends who hang on to me and keep my head above the waters – gifts from God every single day.

“Don’t go through life; grow through life.” ― Eric Butterworth

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