“The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, not the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Ben Stiller, the actor and comedian, recently completed a documentary about his famous parents.  Stiller and Meara as they were known got their big break on the Ed Sullivan show in the 60’s. Anyone remember him?

I fell over laughing at these two during their appearances on the Seinfeld and King of Queens television shows. They weren’t doing their famous act but instead were portraying parents of characters on the shows. While they didn’t always work together – there was a classic “Graduate” homage between the two that was unforgettable. Lost on most with no pop culture history.

I bring all of this up because Ben Stiller captures on film some significant personal revelations about his own journey and discovers big truths about family that are eternal. His father, Jerry, recorded their history as a family on tape and film. There were mountains of data to sift through. Much of the documentary centers on Ben and his sister sorting through their parents’ apartment after their deaths.

They discovered that as different as each of their parents were (Jewish and Irish Catholic), they worked as hard on their relationship as they did on their show business career. It was a struggle for each of the 61 years they were married – proven again and again on tape. Ben had decided he wasn’t going to make parenting mistakes as a Hollywood star. Yet as he interviewed his own grown children for the documentary, that’s exactly what he had done. You can see his heart breaking on camera as he hears his son smile and tell the stories of his dad’s failures.

Ben and his wife ended up separating after a twenty-year marriage. Their two children were 15 and 17. In the documentary they talk about their own marriage framed within revelations about his own mom and dad. During the COVID crisis lock-down, spending time together going through the apartment and now making the documentary seemed to help each realize that their marriage and family was worth all the extra effort it always takes. They are now back together.

As he should, Ben describes a lot of lessons he has learned about himself from this project. His parents continue to guide him. Their example led him to reorient many of his priorities. I’m probably reading too much into this. But I think there’s a happy ending to the story. You should watch it.

Nothing is Lost

“Happiness [is] only real when shared” ― Jon Krakauer

I’ve done this before. When I think about why we were all designed to be social I always come up with so many examples – mostly items that we take for granted. Isn’t that how life is…remember Joni Mitchell’s lyrics?

Here’s part of my list – we need other people in our lives. Ben Stiller was smart to start working hard to get his family back together. Your personal happiness isn’t worth much when you look into the eyes of someone else who just needs you.

• Somone to make you breakfast in bed on Saturday morning. All those regular reminders we take for granted.
• A backseat driver to keep you from getting lost, again and again. I keep ending up in Fort Worth despite the digital helpers.
• Some much-needed feedback, even when you’re right in the middle of giving the lesson to a crowded room full of people who think you’re the expert. One look says a thousand words.
• Talking it out together, BEFORE it’s too late. Listening and hearing takes trust.
• All that positive reinforcement to counteract the poison you hear everyday. Don’t join the chorus. Sing a solo she will always love to hear.
• Someone to share with all the labors of living. It’s not called “divide and conquer” for nothing.
• “Does this make me look fat?”
• You just thought you knew how to load the dishwasher the right way.
• All that help choosing what to have for dinner…where to meet for lunch…what to watch on TV tonight…where to go for fun on Saturday. Life’s too short to spend it on the couch playing with the remote.

Stiller and Meara inspired me. There are a lot of people around me that inspire. Sure, they roll their eyes at each other. You can tell that story has been told too many times. One is doing too much talking, the other not enough. I get a kick out of watching couples raising children. At the end of the day, all of the people in my world are figuring it out because they know how much love matters. When you love, it doesn’t really matter which way the forks get loaded in the dishwasher.

“To make one, there must be two.” ― W.H. Auden

 

We were driving back to my place early in the morning. Bella their dog needed to be checked on, given some medicine and let out for a stretch. She was staying at home while mom and dad took a trip. The kids and I were having our own adventure for several days. We live ten minutes apart. As we came off the highway and approached our turn, there it was. A giant gathering of protestors up and down the side of the access road. We passed all the signs, flags, costumes and every sort of person – like walking through a Buc-ees!

The kids were mesmerized. “What is happening?”

“Look, that guy is dressed like a zebra!”

“That’s a protest.”

“What’s a protest?”

“When people don’t agree, they get together and express their feelings. Do you see all those signs?”

“Don’t agree about what?”

“Well…some people think broccoli should be required on your plate at lunch and some people think we should NEVER have to eat it.”

“Some people think your teachers should receive bigger paychecks, others think they shouldn’t.”

“There are all kinds of things people don’t agree about. It has to be very important for people get together, make signs and take time away from fun on Saturday. Broccoli doesn’t seem very important.”

My grandchildren are seven and almost four.  I had to keep going with the story as we rounded the corner on our way to donuts. In their minds, the big deal of the day.

“In some countries, you are not allowed to protest. You will be put in jail. What’s wonderful about our country is that we are all free to voice our opinions. You don’t go to jail just because you don’t agree. Sometimes, you go to jail if you hurt someone or take something that is not yours.”

“In our country we are free in so many ways. We are free to disagree and protest.”

Do either of them know what a “country” is? Not sure.

This is the part where that big lump in my throat appeared.

“What’s wrong with your voice?”

“Right now, things can seem really hard. Especially to those people protesting. As time goes by, most things usually get better. I think we live in a special country because we can disagree and still be friends.”

Explaining the world to your children, grandchildren is a way for you to pass on little lessons that matter so much. It’s also the best way for you to make certain you really understand. It’s thought that Einstein once said, “If you can’t explain it to a six-year-old, you don’t understand it yourself.”

What’s always going on all around that needs some explaining? Whether you translate it or not – little eyes and ears are still watching and hearing. Don’t you want to be a part of helping the next generation put all the pieces together?

“No, no! The adventures first, explanations take such a dreadful time.” ― Lewis Carroll

There aren’t any birds at my new place. Some of you will know why that’s significant to me. There have been a few noisy grackles. A week ago I heard birds singing in the middle of the night. Maybe migrating as the season changes. Doesn’t seem as if there’s any real change in the season here – still hot in October! Maybe I was just dreaming. Or I was hearing the backing up beeps from the big trucks at the faraway landfill early in the morning.

I didn’t realize how much I missed all those birds and the promise they brought to mind and heart. Let’s see if I can change the neighborhood any. I put some seeds out on the sidewalk the other day. No takers yet. There are plenty of trees. Buzzards circling the landfill and those grackles taking nighttime dumps on my vehicle. But those birds don’t count. What will the winter bring? There are seasons up here in north Texas. We lived up here in the 90’s and I froze to death in the early mornings driving to Denton to teach classes. What season is your life in right now?

Despite the missing birds, I do see signs all around me. My two grandchildren and I are having adventures each week. Reading, walks, crafts, and praying. When was the last time you played Chutes and Ladders? We were out collecting leaves just the other day to trace new bookmarks for our five-volume set of books to tackle next. My very soon to be four-year-old granddaughter is an incredibly confident navigator from the backseat. Just like someone else I used to drive with! She gives directions as if she’s lived here all her life. And she has. Always makes me feel not so bad as I head off to Ft. Worth by mistake, again. What an adventure.

“To look beyond our horizons is to acknowledge that we’ve hemmed ourselves in by creating them in the first place.” ― Craig D. Lounsbrough

Attending ice hockey and gymnastics is my new weekly spectator sport. Such a pleasure watching these two grow bit by bit. On the ice and in the air. Added bonus, a little more time to visit with mom and dad in the stands. People watching is my favorite sport. Loud hockey moms, dads coaching from their seats and little siblings crawling up and down the bleachers. How did we spend our childhood waiting around before there were iPads? I love being there when mine look up into the stands and smile big when they see that familiar face. Those moments are a magic time for me.

Faith is the assurance of things you have hoped for, the absolute conviction that there are realities you’ve never seen. (Hebrews 11:1)

My house back in Houston has been on the market since June. Economic turmoil has its effect on everyone. My faith has not wavered about this path I’m on. But that house shaped like an albatross keeps me anxious and even sleepless at times. Know anyone who’d like to live on a cul-de-sac? Each time I get to the edge and almost start to doubt, it’s not a bird, but another encouraging sign pops up at just the right moment. A call, a note, a verse, a visit, a text, a reminder – right when I need to have my faith bolstered. Better not waiver. Just the other day in the HEB parking lot a call came at just the right moment. Yes, I’ve found the HEB here. So has everyone else. It’s always crowded and well worth the drive.

My new church has been another adventure. Welcoming people, familiar environment, and a lot of innovation. Plenty to keep a church scholar on the edge of my seat. It’s a very active environment each week. A large children’s program that excites my grandchildren as well. I’ve found a small group very similar to the one I left back in Houston – what a relief and blessing. There are a lot of opportunities to get involved and serve. I have time to give. Now, if I can only keep my mouth shut and stop answering all the questions in class!

“There’s not a word yet, for old friends who’ve just met.” ― Jim Henson

Don’t you have an adventure or two on your horizon? Sometimes they aren’t planned. Sometimes they’re in the catastrophe category. Looking back, you never saw it coming. But somehow, you made it to the other side. There are people coming up behind you on the trail who need to hear how you did it. Especially these days when we are all so disconnected and connected to what can’t always be trusted. Be more intentional about sharing your story. Put on your guide cap more often. Wouldn’t you have appreciated a little help back then?

“Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.” ― Wendell Johnson

My water was shut off four days ago, I’m not sure I’m going to make it!

What does it take to make it through the 21st century?

The media is all about how to work today’s technology while dodging the negative side effects of artificial intelligence. Isn’t everyone worried about that? When I was working in the university, it was amazing the number of students who hadn’t figured this out – who made so many dumb mistakes using AI to complete assignments and got caught (like submitting work with British spellings of a word here or there).

Right now, I can’t even get my printer connected to the internet. I’m writing because I think there are other survival skills worth thinking about:

• Crossed my mind while walking through the church parking lot trying to dodge senior drivers. We live longer now and continue to be active more years than ever before. Maybe driving isn’t for everyone in their 80’s? I’m not that old but am parking like a drunk almost always.
• Watching people at the checkout with their phones trying to understand all the digital machinations necessary to get the daily deal is like a comedy sketch. I’m in that routine myself! To save 15 cents on peanut butter one needs to be a 12-year-old tech whiz. The deals are attractive, the promised technology seems advanced, you can check out yourself (unpaid labor). But if you can’t always work the tech, you’re a clog in the flow.
• What about managing the changing currents of health insurance? It can be a full-time job communicating with insurance, doctor’s office, and pharmacy. Each change brings about a new wave of necessary re-learning and explanations. When you feel like you’re ready to leap into the future and have your medications delivered by Amazon, that can be a whole new quagmire. You’ve now got a digital entity to help or get in the way. But it’s going to take time. Thinking about a second career?

“We are stuck with technology when what we really want is just stuff that works.”
― Douglas Adams

Different ages with different skills all living in the same society

I’ve joked for years as I watch people at the grocery plant themselves in the doorway digging through their bags, wander the parking lot looking for cars and talking out loud to a phone stuck in their ears – if it was 150 years ago, we wouldn’t survive six days on the prairies keeping safe from marauding natives. Different ages require different skill sets. Things are moving faster. We’re at a crossroads now. Be sure your Google Maps are up to date!

This week I’m barely surviving – my water is off. Hot water heater burst Friday morning. Repairs may one day occur. There aren’t enough repair crew here where I now live. Weekends get in the way. There’s not even an outside hydrant and hose to drink from. I’m figuring out how to make do with a Medieval lifestyle. Why do emergencies seem to occur at the end of the week? I’m watching an emergency room drama on TV. Emergency room visits increase on Fridays. So do violent crimes by adults.

What would you need to do different to carry on without running water? Hygiene, watering plants, washing dishes, cooking, cleaning up. What about your morning coffee? So much we take for granted. When the electricity, internet, AC, or groceries go down, we go into a panic. Down in Houston, the minute anyone hears the word hurricane all the bread and toilet paper disappear from shelves – within minutes. What do you think your grandparents couldn’t do without? The newspaper? Air conditioning? A fire in the fireplace? Electricity? Sharp knife?

What does survival look like for you?

“However, if I were to let my life be taken over by what is urgent, I might very well never get around to what is essential. It’s so easy to spend your whole time being preoccupied with urgent matters and never starting to live, really live.” ― Henri J.M. Nouwen

What’s essential for living the life you’re now moving through? You’ll never really know until the non-essentials are taken away.  What are you spending your treasures (time, resources, relations) to acquire and maintain? There are the basics; physical, social and psychological needs that must be met for anyone to survive. For you, at this stage of your life, have you figured out what you really need to function well, to thrive? Not a different colored couch, but what’s absolutely necessary to grow and get better?

I need running water.  I need someone whose job it is to be concerned that I don’t have running water. That may be too much to ask in this stage of civilization. I’m going to try to demonstrate more concern for others in my path this week. That’s something I CAN control.

“Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be.” ― Thomas à Kempis

 

I bumped into a harsh lesson that morning with my grandson at his elementary school

“It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.” ― Tom Robbins

Last week was “Breakfast with Grandparents” days at the preschool and elementary schools with both my grandchildren. It was confirmed again to me that my 3-year-old granddaughter is running for Speaker of the House. She was sure to work the room and even (literally) kissed a baby. Where does this come from? She’s from a family of introverts. Her uncle Brian (Morris) is the giant personality that she is channeling.

At the elementary school event we were all ushered into the decorated cafeteria where the threesomes of grandparents and children got in line to pick up a donut and a toy. I wore my infamous possum t-shirt. No one else thought it was funny, even my grandson who could read it, but obviously had no experience with these southern varmints. I stood out like the weird relative from West Virginia.

We had come prepared. My grandson has grown up, so far, as a donut aficionado. He had already placed his order with me, a donut with sprinkles including some donut holes. Against everyone’s better judgment, I brought chocolate milk. I wasn’t the one having to peel him off the walls later in the day. He had his donuts (and mine) all in minutes.

As I looked across the cafeteria something stood out. The tables against the far wall, next to the food pass out lines, were not decorated as ours were. Ours all had bright colored paper tablecloths and centerpieces. Across the room, those tables were filled with kids, but it was clear that they were not participating in the morning event. About15-20 children were crowded together all eating their breakfast from trays. I knew that daily breakfast was served at the school. My grandson proudly brags that he often eats breakfast at home and then goes to school and has another one. As a second grader, this is something to be proud of.

“I don’t remember who said this, but there really are places in the heart you don’t even know exist until you love a child.” ― Anne Lamott

Kids eating breakfast isn’t really what I noticed. What I saw was that the table was populated with brown and black kids. As I turned and looked back at the line of kids and grandparents, I noticed that these were almost all white families. I asked myself, why weren’t the children at the breakfast table participating this morning?

At the very beginning, my grandkids are coming face to face with some of the hard realities of life

Over the years, I have taught my students that we typically pay attention to what we see (race) and what we hear (ethnicity). It’s very difficult to figure out social class with a casual glance. Yet in our society, social class is the primary driver when determining someone’s life chances. There are very strong correlations between social class and; crime, education, marriage, health. The lower one’s social class, the less your chances of being raised in a two-parent family.

Thirty percent of children in Texas are being raised in a single parent household. These families have lower incomes, less time together and higher levels of academic failure. Thirty percent is approximately two million children. Houston is the largest city in Texas. It’s the fourth largest city in America. Houston has a population of just over two million.

My daughter (an educator in the district) told me that this elementary school had at least 40% of students who qualified for free/reduced meals. A Title I school that also receives a number of other supplemental resources from the federal government. The kids having their breakfast that morning may not have had a grandparent who could have come. Their parent(s) may have been working at a job that didn’t allow the kind of freedom to take off and join in extracurricular events. My daughter told me that before I moved up there, she went to grandparent events so our kids wouldn’t be left alone. The government can’t solve the fragmented family problem in America.

“One of the pitfalls of childhood is that one doesn’t have to understand something to feel it. By the time the mind is able to comprehend what has happened, the wounds of the heart are already too deep.” ― Carlos Ruiz Zafón

Children never ask to be born into the circumstances in which they are raised

All of this makes me think that while my grandchildren are in school, there will be many more lessons about life they should be learning. This is part of the Hidden Curriculum. Something else I should be paying attention to, right? How am I going to help raise my grandchildren to become adults that love others and feel responsible to help make the world around them a better place for the least of these?

“I have never been especially impressed by the heroics of people convinced they are about to change the world. I am more awed by those who struggle to make one small difference.” ― Ellen Goodman

 

“In football everything is complicated by the presence of the opposite team.” ― Jean-Paul Sartre

Well, yes, the end of the brutal summer is always a welcome turn of the season. But summer doesn’t actually end here in Texas until after Thanksgiving. The season that arrives at the end of each August that brings me so much joy is college football and all the angst and joy that comes with it.

Football season for us was a time of family reunion

Our daughter was the first grandchild in the family for many years. Each fall, meeting up in Waco for football games was a mini reunion. We were in San Antonio and then Houston and her grandparents were in Dallas. The football game therefore had a much larger purpose. I reminded myself of this during those losing seasons. Forty years later, I am able to attend games and meet up with dear friends who are part of my larger family now. It’s still a reunion each Saturday. Now that I’ve moved to a new city a month ago, I will need to be ever more deliberate about making connections with “family” from Houston and all around. My problem has always been that I get too caught up in the game and end up missing all my connections!

“When everything goes to hell, the people who stand by you without flinching — they are your family. ” ― Jim Butcher

Football season meant remembering a mythic past

Going back to campus each fall always includes some time walking around and remember the past. We all have biases that distort our thinking – no one can escape these. One is called the “rosy retrospective.” When we think about the past, typically we mostly remember the good times. That’s the healthy way that we keep from getting bogged down in negatives we can’t control.

We have a world-famous homecoming weekend every year. That made the annual family reunion an even bigger gathering that included friends from all over. The rituals and events made the football game just one of a busy three days/nights of fun. I’m anxious for my seven-year-old grandson to be old enough to stay up late for his first bonfire. His sister isn’t far behind. It’s coming, they get older each year. It’s funny how that happens.

Those trips with our daughter, walking around campus and sharing memories added up over the years. Football games were and continue to be more than a sports event. Now that my family has moved out of town and I’m living alone, attending football games each year have evolved. I try to recruit alums from work, even alums from the other team, and friends with children soon to be college age. A great experience that’s bigger than the game in all kinds of ways for everyone. I just need to cool it as the over-the-top tour guide.

Football season was always joining with so many others in a common cause

My school is small enough that over the years you become familiar with the groups around you at games and events. One of my frustrations is that every time I’m there all I seem to see are people from church and not enough friends from the past! One year we went to the Holiday Bowl in San Diego. I was shocked at all the alumni gathered there. I didn’t recognize a single face. Later I learned that after Texas, California sends the most students to Baylor.

Human beings are drawn to causes. We behave differently when we are in large crowds. The stadium experience is a unique event that’s not at all like watching at home on your own. That’s probably why we like to have watch parties or go out to join with others – the chances of winning always increase with a larger, louder crowd.

“It’s just a game,’ we say, trying to convince ourselves of a truth we do not believe.” ― Brandon Jack

Have you seen on TV some of the painted-up college students on the front rows? Take a look at adults at an NFL game – all dressed up in glorious costumes pushing their teams to victory. Cheering, screaming, yelling, chanting, singing are all a unique part of the stadium experience for fans. Since ancient days, people have been gathering in large groups to create something special. How do those Green Bay Packer fans sitting in below zero snow get themselves fired up?

Football season always works best when we’re winning

“An atheist is a man who watches a Notre Dame – Southern Methodist University game and doesn’t care who wins.” ― Dwight D. Eisenhower

It’s a miserable experience to keep losing. My father-in-law was a classic example of the perfect fan. Rain or shine, he never uttered a word of complaint. He remained true blue and an example for all the rest of us about how to always act as a loyal alum, even though wins were far and few between. He has gone to heaven now, and I think of him at every game, wishing he was here so I could tell him how much his life mattered to all of us. I’m so happy his last years were glorious winning seasons for his team.

Me, on the other hand, I’m a raving lunatic when things go south. You don’t want to be sitting next to me after another fumble or quarterback sack. But when we win, I’ve never been happier. In fact, I’m a real jerk toward everyone else in the conference. Someone just needs to get me to the car quick, win or lose.

My daughter and I are heading off to the first game of the season today. We are starting a new tradition now that I live up here down the street, the dad and daughter game. The annual joy is here because the season has arrived. But I think today it’s my favorite time because she and I will get to share it together (win or lose). But we better win!

“Why would I want to win anything other than a beautiful game?” ― Patrick Rothfuss

 

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift of God, which is why we call it the present.” – Bill Keane (creator of comic The Family Circus)

If you were to have asked me in my youth where I would one day call home, it would never have been Houston. I’m from San Antonio, went to college in Waco married a girl from Dallas. We lived and worked up there for a number of years. Then, that call came from way down south.

The other day I realized that I had spent the better part of my adult life living in Houston. So hard to believe. I never would have predicted that turn in the road. Once we were ready to find a little Baptist university, the first place and only place that called was in Houston. The one university where I never sent an application. Who wants to work in Houston? But those years were the best of times and then at the very end, the worst (Dickens).

We were there for almost thirty years. Our daughter was educated in the public schools of Fort Bend ISD. She and her husband met at a middle school church camp. The rest was history. My wife continued her own education, earning both her graduate degrees in Houston. Her career and calling took off and she achieved incredible accomplishments – some while fighting off a brain tumor.

“There is nothing like a dream to create the future.” ― Victor Hugo

While living in Houston and not in a small town (where Baptist colleges are typically located) we had access to the best medical care in the world. That wasn’t important to us when we moved down, bought our house and started new careers. Then at the end, cancer came. Living in Houston was the best move we could have ever made! Despite the gruesome nature of chemotherapy, surgery, rehabilitations and radiation treatments; all the interactions with doctors, nurses and healthcare professionals was a blessing beyond words. The technology, treatments and innovation were options for my wife because we were living in Houston (and not Brownwood).

Our church family was essential for survival during all the ups and downs during those decades. Real people who were there when our daughter left for college and later was married. They were our family when we fought cancer and then grieved my wife’s death. The suffering that followed was bearable only because I had the constant connection with all these people who put their love into practice. I constantly ask myself, sometimes out loud, how do people make it through life without a church family?

I learned so much during my years in Houston. Isn’t that what’s supposed to happen as you travel from your 30’s to 60’s? I think I just got a passing grade. As I reflect, I grew mostly because of the relationships with mentors, peers and students over those many years. These were experiences that I could never have planned or predicted. Those are always the best kind, even when filled with some crashing and burning.

“It is an absolute human certainty that no one can know his own beauty or perceive a sense of his own worth until it has been reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving, caring human being.” ― John Joseph Powell

Friends helped to enrich our lives with their time, unforgettable adventures and faithful presence. Houston wasn’t just a city with major sports teams, theaters, global cuisine, touring concerts, and beaches to the south. It was all of that, but really it was filled with relationships. All those rock concerts, BBQ’s in the backyard and enchilada lunches made Houston the right place for us with the right people at just the right time in our journey. How could I have planned all of these wonderful friends sailing into our lives during the twists and turns that came long?

“If you wait until you feel ready, you will always be too late.” ― Craig Groeschel

Dallas, this is where we lived before coming to Houston. It’s a place with a schizophrenic highway system, not logically organized like San Antonio or Houston. My first weeks on the roads up here have been spent trying to not end up in Ft. Worth. A lot of U-turns and listening to digital guides (who aren’t all looking at the same map!). Each highway gets a new name every fifteen miles or so. Sometimes you get a road sign, sometimes not. All a great throw of the dice. So far, I have found my way back home each day/evening. When I see that big landfill on the horizon, I know I’m near and the stress starts to fade.

When I wake up and carefully look, I can see God’s providence and presence during those years in Houston. There was so much to learn. We’re never as grown up as we think we are. We/I had terrible turns in life during the last half of my time there. Those awful experiences also brought deep blessings. There’s a song, God Walks the Dark Hills, that’s how I lived the last half of my time in Houston. Now that I’m in this next chapter, and looking backward, I’m relieved that all of this happened while living down there. The right friends were ready to catch me each time I fell. I’m now certain, there was no better place to be.

“My focus is not on the flood that surrounds me. Rather, my focus is on the God Who surrounds the flood.” ― Craig D. Lounsbrough

 

“We are stuck with technology when what we really want is just stuff that works.” ― Douglas Adams

Ninety percent of Americans are online daily. One study reported that on average we are checking our phones 205 times a day. It’s hard to imagine how we could live right now without this pervasive technology all over and around us. Eventually, I found it impossible to teach a college class without being able to hook up to the web, my own dependency became very real.

I thought all the work of relocating was behind me once I got most of my boxes emptied. Changing my address was a whole other major enterprise. I guess the good news is that so much of this can be done online.  Just like setting up my move and communicating with the postal service. Very rarely is it necessary to speak with a live human being. Those times when I did, the experience was a great relief and deescalated so much of my frustration. Yet sometimes, talking to real people just made the irritation expand beyond belief. For example, every time I called the office at my new residence, I literally got a different answer to the same question. Each person that answered the phone had their own authoritative explanation. They couldn’t all be right, and weren’t. The manager who finally got me all settled was amazed when I shared this experience with her. That’s probably why it goes on.

Updating Your Address, So Simple…Right!

Who knew that changing an address would turn into such a nightmare? I just spent two days on the internet and phone communicating with three different customer service representatives from all over the world, just to change the address for my credit card. I had to call, several times, change passwords again and again. Use a different browser because mine isn’t up to date. What do you mean? It’s the most used browser in the world! Another visit was necessary later in the week because I noticed the name of my new town had been misspelled. Talking with a live person is great, but can be problematic when we don’t both speak the same language.

“Technology is the knack of so arranging the world that we do not experience it.” ― Rollo May

The most horrendous mistake happened with my Amazon Prime account. When I changed that address I goofed. By mistake, I created a second address. I order so much from Amazon . Last night I forgot to get special batteries at the store. When I got home I ordered them from Amazon and they were at my door this morning. I even get my prescriptions filled and sorted by daily dosage from Amazon. So, it’s a big deal to get that address change completed.

After a few days of trying to fix it on my own, I contacted customer service. No easy task! This part of the fix took two different calls. It takes Amazon 24-48 hours to complete a change to your account. That seems extraordinary in our digital universe. The second agent walked me through the process of deleting the second account. Unfortunately, it was my original account that was wiped out. I’m now starting from scratch. My 20-plus year history is now wiped away. Oh well.

I thought that was just going to have to be my own problem, but NO! I had orders for a kitchen rug cancelled this week. The Amazon message was that I was ordering too much and needed to prove my identity. Well, how do I do that when all my proof has my old address on it? It will take Amazon three business days to decide if I’m really me. I guess batteries are all I can get away with right now.

Have you ever thought about all in your life that has to be changed when you move? Technology makes this simple today. Maybe it’s just me, but I kept hitting obstacles along the way.

“It’s supposed to be automatic, but actually you have to push this button. ” ― John Brunner

What’s In The Mail?

Before moving I did file the paperwork with the United States Postal Service to have my address changed and mail forwarded. I did this in the middle of July, to take effect at the end of that month. I got an official notification yesterday in my mail here that the USPS was going to in fact start doing this. I’ve been getting emails, cards and other notes from the USPS alerting me of my new address and of their plan to forward. I have yet to get any actual mail forwarded. Or any real mail sent to this address. The USPS is spending a fortune with their paperwork and notification system. Let’s see if I get any mail this week.

My New Pad is All Hooked Up, Finally

“If television’s a babysitter, the Internet is a drunk librarian who won’t shut up.”
― Dorothy Gambrell

Getting my new residence all hooked into the internet was a slow start. The customer service ordering went without a hitch. A huge operation I’m sure. This cable company has a monopoly with my new community. The process of getting hooked up is all very routine…supposedly. The big deal isn’t so much having TV to watch as it is to have wireless service so I can be connected to the internet. Otherwise, how will anyone know I’m really alive?

While my grandson was at ice hockey camp, his three-year-old sister and I went in search of the closest store to pick up the equipment needed to get all set up. We found one, proceeded through the door and toward the back counter where the employees were all at work. Once I got there, I was given a puzzled look and told, you can’t come back here. You have to go back to the front of the store and sign-in first. Where? I asked. Up at the front. Okay, I’ll go hunt for it and hope to be able to come back and talk to you later…

Later arrived, and the clerk in the back got me registered and then told me that I couldn’t pick up equipment at the store. I had to call and have it delivered. My granddaughter and I trudged back to get buckled into the car. We drove to hockey camp to pick up brother and I got on the phone. That helper asked me why I didn’t just pick up my equipment up the local store. What do they say about the right hand not knowing what the left hand is doing?

“Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.” ― Pablo Picasso

My wife was a doctor of technology. Not the kind that helps you get your computer hooked up to your printer. She was an expert in helping teachers learn how to best use technology with their students. All the hardware and software that surrounds us – how do we harness it in classrooms to make learning more effective. Our daughter followed in her footsteps and now does that kind of work up here where I now am. While neither one wants to be called on to wire your home, my daughter does know so much more than her digital immigrant father.

I was very proud of myself for getting televisions hooked up to the new internet and digital service, but I still had a few obstacles. My daughter came in one evening and while the kids and I had dinner she got my Apple TV incorporated AND figured out what was wrong with my behemoth printer (that’s a whole other blog post!). She had to do a “go around” – what a remarkable problem solver! Every time she comes over she’s got a solution in her pocket and has made living that much easier for me.

Home Sweet Home

I think it’s going to take another month to get any mail. How much will be junk? What is still being delivered to Houston? My house has not sold. I’m still trying to get my daily TV news recordings set up (it thinks I still live in Houston). Amazon is back in business, let’s see if I get my prescriptions in a few weeks. I was just on the phone with AT&T for half an hour. Their system only wanted email addresses that started with a letter. It’s always something. Are you sure you really want to move?

“The real problem of humanity is the following: We have Paleolithic emotions, medieval institutions and godlike technology. And it is terrifically dangerous, and it is now approaching a point of crisis overall.” ― Edward O. Wilson

And just like that, it happened

As I’ve aged, all of my good and bad days are speeding past me like a bullet.

I could feel the move coming every morning as I tossed and turned hours before the sun would rise. So many details to track. Several lists all at once banging around in my waking delirium.

Took me three days to get packed and relocated across the state. It was the hottest day of the summer up here in the Metroplex. All my worldly possessions boxed up and sardined into a single truck. Made me think again about the true value of all this material gain. In the days before, I spent almost a week sleeping everywhere but my own bed, and not even in a bed sometimes. The junk collectors had taken my worn-out bed and getting into the new place took longer than I planned. Sleeping in your own bed can be a blessing beyond words.

The value of sorting and sifting

Be sure that you’re hanging on to what will sustain you in the long days. 

I moved to a townhouse that has a garage. A place to store all my 40+ years of married junk. I promise that I got rid of truckloads of it. As I sit here in my new little space I’m so thankful I no longer have a library of 2000 books! It’s always a shock to discover all the debris that has settled into the crevasses and cracks of my life. When I as a little boy, I never imagined I’d grow up to be the proprietor of a flea market.

The new kitchen is about a quarter of the size I’m used to. I’ve been searching for the silverware these past three days. The garage is a staging area. The movers labeled each box. But no silverware. Saturday my house back in Houston was being cleaned after the emptying. I got a text and photo. My silverware never left its home in the drawer.

By the way, that house of mine hasn’t sold yet. The final river to cross. I’m not so anxious about this final resolution. God has been taking faithful care of my every step – even through so many dark days. I’m just worried in the waiting.

“Worry is the interest you pay on a debt you may not owe.” ― Keith Caserta

Let purpose give meaning

We all need a theme song to hum in our ears to take us through the grey days. 

As I start to get used this new place, this new life, I keep hearing new noises. Back at my house that would worry me. What kinds of critters have moved into the attic? Those nasty squirrels are back at it chewing away at my roof! But now, the sounds all around me shouldn’t cause bother. It’s just all the people living above and right next to me. I’m wedged into a new world.

Found a church to visit five minutes away. Lots of opportunities for the whole family to plug in. That’s a big part of my mission now. It’s very difficult for an academic who studies religion to sit in a service and not compose long lists for a research study. Visiting is a good experience, but there’s no place like home. One day I’ll make a new home.

When that feeling of angst creeps in and it seems as if I’ve gone back in time to earlier days by myself and living in places like this, I remind myself, this is not retirement, it’s a mission.

My next chapter

Almost all of my friends are now walking through or toward the next chapter in their lives. So much was never planned. 

Most of the boxes have been unpacked and empties put back in the garage. Now, what to hang on the walls? I have waaay too much and not enough space. Maybe I should organize a rotation plan? I put up a very large portrait of my family in my new bedroom. It’s become famous because my grandson is right in the middle of the grouping and is posing with a mesmerizing stare. He was only five at the time. He has drawn me 273 miles to now be close by his side.

“Sometimes the right hug from the right person at the exact right time makes all the wrong in the world disappear…” ― Sarah Ockler

He’s seven and getting ready for 2nd grade. A remarkable stage. Every time I walk into the room he jumps up and gives me a hug. Those are worth at least a hundred dollars apiece. You can’t FaceTime that kind of love. Just what I needed at this stage of second guessing and readjusting. His innocent gestures are a perfect sign that I’m right where I should be. God always moves. But you must keep your eyes open to catch him in the act.

I’m back in a bed now. My new bed, in my new residence, in a new city, ten minutes from my family. I’m not sure what I will do with my days once I get settled. As I’ve been running errands, a part-time job at Target or even greeting at Walmart might be options to keep me busy. Buc-ees has always appealed to me, but I’m afraid I’d be too distracted people watching. The minute I got here I was on call. In fact, I was up here a week BEFORE moving to help manage ice hockey camp each day.

Today I picked up my granddaughter from her preschool and took her to gymnastics so mom could take brother to a doctor’s appointment. We had a great time and a little box of grapes. From the back in her car seat, this three-year-old gives me very specific and deliberate driving directions. Remarkably accurate. She’s as good as I am right now.

This past Saturday morning was spent at ice hockey and skating practice. My nights are no longer restless. I’ve been dreaming big, even early in the morning after the upstairs neighbors have finished their bowling practice.

All signs are good for the days ahead.

“Drag your thoughts away from your troubles… by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.” ― Mark Twain

Is anyone out there?

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Parting is such sweet sorrow that I shall say goodnight till it be morrow. ― Shakespeare

That’s the line from Romeo and Juliet.  The young couple are deep in the swamp of infatuation. Both their families are drawing blood to pull them apart. Their deep devotion continues to inspire the Western Worldview even to this day.  Remember that final scene from the classic film Casablanca? Rick surprise Ilsa with a farewell, he tells her, “We’ll always have Paris” with a big close up and the heartbreaking music.

Does anyone have any idea of how labor intensive it is to change an address? That’s just for all the stuff I can remember. There’s bound to be an app that magically does it for me?? Even with the ability to do almost all on my phone, it’s a days long project. The bank made me call someone eventually. I messed up my changes to Amazon so bad they had to implement a rescue team that will take 48 hours to get me fixed. My wife often reminded me that our generation were digital immigrants, not a natives.

“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” ― Joseph Campbell

Goodbyes have been all around us, always. I had lunch with a dear friend, and she told of having the long goodbye experience with her husband who was leaving by dementia. Here in Texas and all across the nation we are ripped apart in grief with tragedy and sorrow at the loss of life after the storms and floods of July 4. Soon it will be time to send first year students off to college. My children and grandson moved away almost five years ago, that was a hard goodbye.

Not all farewell is wrapped up with permanent loss, but it seems like it. Victor Hugo is one of those who said, “When a man is out of sight, it is not too long before he is out of mind.” We’ve all experienced that one way or another. Instant communication tools have helped keep us connected both near and far, that’s one blessing from this curse. I hope I do a good job of not getting lost.

Post WW2 Americans became more mobile because of our booming economy. Careers took young graduates and families all across the country. Learning to frequently say goodbye became a normal practice. Scientists started to wonder if all this mobility would weaken our social connections. Living a mobile life made deep and lasting friendships a challenge. The good news is that over the past decade, Americans are moving much less. Probably due to the integration of technology with work. But…at the same time, that technology is also a barrier to meaningful relations.

“We leave something of ourselves behind when we leave a place, we stay there, even though we go away. And there are things in us that we can find again only by going back there.”  ― Pascal Mercier

I’ve been engaged in a long farewell for several years now. What an experience to reflect about, again and again. No one really prepared me. There wasn’t a course to take. Most of the other people involved didn’t really know what they were doing either. Spending so much of our lives in a digital environment makes us awkward when it comes to feeling and expressing deeper experiences in relation to others. What to say in person to someone who is in grief? How to express shared joy about a long-awaited accomplishment? When and how do we encourage others who are withdrawn because of loss?

Farewell dinner last night with my friends from college. They’ve made a practice of enchilada gatherings with me every few weeks since I started my life alone six years ago. That’s a lot of home remodeling, world traveling, football games and hilarious online content to share over the salsa. They’ve kept me going in so many wonderful ways. This has reinforced my belief that making a habit of getting together is always worth it.  There’s no need for a life-or-death reason or anything important to hash over. But in the end, just being in the physical presence of others can save you, day after day.

Went online to check the weather, five hours later I’m watching a tutorial on how to weave a basket out of carrots…

At times I feel homesick when I look around and so many of my possessions are now gone. Part of a plan to downsize. I’ve got more of the “to do” boxes checked off my list. I’m already living in that strange country that is my future. The garage is filled up with boxes and crates. I lifted a lid and realized that my 30-year career was stuffed into a couple white banker’s boxes. Why did I decide to save that? It was a very hard and weird two-year farewell. When you’re old, time really does fly past. The other day, I just walked out of my church for the last time and drove down that neighborhood street toward a home that would also soon be gone. Just like that afternoon at school. I just drove away for the last time. Soon, I will pull out of my cul-de-sac and be gone.

“What you are to do without me I cannot imagine.” ― George Bernard Shaw

While leaving is true and hard, you cannot move away from anything without also moving toward something else. I’m hoping to have made thoughtful choices about the next steps. Despite feeling like I got pushed into oncoming traffic with no escape planned, God never left me abandoned. He’s good at putting pieces together into something that really works. That’s always been my experience.

My friends took down all my family photos off the walls of the house. Got it all staged and ready to show off and sell. They did a marvelous job. Strange now, it’s almost impossible to just look up and see who I’m driving toward (not away from). I keep looking at my phone to see what new memories have been posted each day. It was Taco Tuesday last week and I saw my future with their mouths stuffed with buffalo chicken and a lot of joy. It does make that sweet sorrow just a bit easier to bear.

 

 

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