“Time is the longest distance between two places.” ― Tennessee Williams

There’s a famous social psychology experiment that took place in the early 1970’s. A seminary student was asked to walk across campus and give a talk about careers in the ministry. This was repeated with other students. Another student was asked to march across campus and give a talk about the parable of The Good Samaritan. This too was repeated with other students. Of course, because it’s a research study, none of the subjects know what was going on or that there were other students involved.

As the student travel across campus there was a member of the experimental team positioned in their path who was experiencing a medical emergency, doubled over in pain and moaning loudly.  This was all staged, of course, but the student didn’t know. You can see already the hypothesis of this study. Will the students who are supposed to speak about The Good Samaritan more readily stop and render aid? 

Remember, these are all seminary students studying for the ministry. What happened was, the topic of each students’ talk did not seem to affect their willingness to help. But something else did.

In both groups, some students were given plenty of time to make it across campus. Others were given barely enough and then a third had to really rush if they hoped to give their talk on time – they were probably going to be late. Guess what the biggest predictor of putting one’s faith into practice was? Those who were in a rush, afraid of being late, were the least likely to actually help someone in need. It didn’t matter that they were running to tell others about being in the ministry or to teach about The Good Samaritan!

In the experiment, people who had more time were more likely to render aid. At a much higher rate, they put their beliefs into practice. Only 10% of those who were running late stopped to help.

We all want to believe that people’s actions are caused by their internalized values and core beliefs. In fact, so much of what we end up doing is the result of external forces like time mismanagement, the actions of others and our every day connections to the world around us.

We end up doing and not doing because of the context in which we live. That means paying attention to the social environment is critical. It can make you or unmake you, despite who you thought you were.

The big lesson: Work harder at keeping true and not being swept away by reactions, emotions and situations. Spend time on your memory. Post some reminders. Who are you always going to be? Even when there’s only a few minutes left.

“If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair.” ― C.S. Lewis

 

When was the last time you got yourself all tangled up and experienced a real mess getting unstuck? Sometimes the unsticking process takes years. Maybe a misunderstanding with a friend, something you’ve always done in a certain way, or a belief that served you so well in the past but now just doesn’t fit. 

The older I get the more foolish I feel when I look down and see that I’ve once again stepped in a trap. Especially a trap that I’ve stepped in time and time again. Do you wonder sometimes about what has trapped you? Or have you gotten too used to the feeling that you no longer notice that you’re stuck?

“If you keep fighting with yourself, you will always win.” ― Samer Chidiac

We all live ensnared lives

Some people talk so much and get tripped up because of all their casual words – or poor timing with the wrong words.

Others have relationships that don’t work – maybe it worked at one time – but now it’s poisonous or harmful to someone else.

Our work can stop “working” for us. There is so much  rapid change in the economy, it’s possible to wake up one day and discover that you no longer fit. You discover that you’re trapped but don’t know how to get out.

Do you ever notice getting caught up in tides of current events? It’s possible to get swept out and sucked under. Do casual conversations sometimes blow up into arguments – now more than ever? I think that there are times when we mimic instead of thinking for ourselves – we repeat what sounds vaguely familiar but don’t always understand what we say. 

So many words being spoken today. In one ear and out the other. Everyone with an opinion. Listening takes real effort and sacrifice. Learning to hear can help to disentangle. 

“To be concentrated in relation to others means primarily to be able to listen. Most people listen to others, or even give advice, without really listening. They do not take the other person’s talk seriously, they do not take their own answers seriously either. As a result, the talk makes them tired. They are under the illusion that they would be even more tired if they listened with concentration. But the opposite is true. Any activity, if done in a concentrated fashion, makes one more awake (although afterward natural and beneficial tiredness sets in), while every unconcentrated activity makes one sleepy—while at the same time it makes it difficult to fall asleep at the end of the day.”  ― Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving

New traps these days

Right now, what I think is causing most of my own stumbling and bumbling from one trap to another is a lack of rhythm. It’s time (for a long time) for me to figure out the new beat for my life. Routines are what set the rock and roll to our lives.

“When you learn to find rhythm in any situation, half of battle is already won.” ― Purvi Raniga

During the pandemic so many of us were out of our normal rhythms. This has made it even more difficult for us to get on with living now in the post-pandemic days. I’m not very happy with the sedentary routines I have fallen into. Friends were talking today about the adjustments to the work world – will working from home change over the next year? Surveys report that Americans remain at a high level of disconnection with each other. We’re not taking the time and trouble to have people over to the house, go out with friends, or take trips. What has especially not returned to normal is attending larger crowd events. 

“Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.” ― Frederick Buechner

Change helps us see our snares

Do you notice that when you get cranky about change – sometimes it’s just because you’re stuck? I don’t want to speed up or change directions mostly because it’s uncomfortable. I’ve gotten used to this pace or situation. I’m sure you know someone who has become comfortable in their misery. I don’t ever want to be THAT person. 

When the world about us changes, it provides an opportunity to see if and how we are trapped. The current changes and you cannot follow because your feet are nailed down. That birds are taking flight and you’ve discovered that the past has you too heavy to soar. 

Look at the rapid changes taking place in a new way. Maybe, for you, they can be signposts that help point your journey toward that beautiful little town called liberty. Remember when you were young and hanging on to the edge of the swimming pool? You had to finally let go. It was a moment of fear and then a rush of excitement as your face went into the water and you moved out into those loving arms that would never let you sink.  

What do you need to turn loose of right now? First make sure that you’ve got some love in your life. 

But wait a minute!

What if the people in your life actually need you to get tangled up with them so you can make a difference? It’s an unrealistic illusion and selfish to believe any of us can just unplug from everything and all the people that bring us down. It’s entangled people that need someone like you to help, to be present, to add some sanity to the chaos. Who in your life is calling out from the brush and needs you to reach backwards and lend a hand? Sometimes, that call is never made with words. 

“Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does.” ― William James

 

Amazing how accessible so much is to us in this day and age. I get almost everything I need delivered right to my door, often within a day. Sometimes I think I go to the grocery store just for the social contact. I’m probably doing one of those GEICO commercials – acting like your parents – because I’m talking too much to strangers. As I start up conversations, I get very puzzled looks from young employees who aren’t used to being treated like human beings.

People these days need a dose of humanity more than ever before

When my grocery store first started up with delivery we were in a chaos and crisis period of time at my house. I could order what was needed and have it delivered within hours for free. This was exactly what we needed. As I received one delivery, an older child brought my bags from the car. It looked as if his mom was driving and managing more children in the back seat. My delivery “man” was very friendly and I was very effusive in my praise. After handing over the bags, he then asked me if I had a band-aid he could have. Never had that happen before.

In my former life, before becoming a widow and then the COVID lockdown, we would go shopping and exploring. I don’t do that anymore – my explorations are done online. My gifting and giving during Christmas was all done online, again. Very convenient. I only had to send a few items back. In retrospect, it seemed too sterile.

Living life with others, even strangers, is supposed to be an adventure

Most people complain about all the hustle and bustle of getting out into the retail space, especially during holiday time. But maybe there’s something to be said for literally rubbing shoulders with real people. Seeing faces and waiting in line.

“There is no greater predictor of human well-being than the amount of social time we spend with one another.” ― Tom Rath

• Being around others, even strangers, reminds us that our chores and frustrations are shared – we are truly not alone in all the burdens of life. There is a subtle comfort in that.
• When you go out, maybe share a meal, with friends and family you also share parts of your story. The whole group, sitting around the table, become linked in that shared telling and connecting. We realize how much it means to us that someone else understands and wants to be a part of our life. Listening is as important as telling.
• A colleague was out sick with COVID, I wanted to be sure to tell him that his absence mattered, he was missed. We all need to be reminded that we matter. It doesn’t take that much.

Recently I visited my niece and her husband who live in a nearby town. I went shopping for a gift. There were all sorts of shops we used to visit in that town in years gone by. It was not convenient but fun to explore, hunt and find just what I was looking for. Talking with real people in the store energized me – just what someone in my situation needed.

Opening my door and getting out really is good for my sanity.

Probably for yours too. 

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. – Will Rogers

Surely I’m not the only one?

Waiting in line, trying to figure out what’s going on with the person in front who’s holding things up…

…the overly complicated order that needs so much explaining and then followed up with personal details about that aunt living in East Texas

…the lady that seems so surprised when presented with the total for her groceries or the order – it’s only now that she begins to dig in her purse for the method of payment (please not a checkbook)

…the person who’s on his phone and won’t stop the conversation in order to be in this moment and speak with the person who’s trying to help, we all must wait for the call to finish (a conversation we’ve all had to listen to while standing in line)

I was patiently standing in line the other day, hoping that I was being observed from above so that I could earn plenty of extra credit points. That guy in front of me was completely unaware that anyone else on earth existed as he took that poor girl at the counter up and down his order with all kinds of detail. I don’t think she was too interested. She mostly whispered and seemed half asleep. He had to repeat so much. There were also humorous anecdotes at each twist and turn. I’m certain she didn’t understand most of them.

My hope was to hop in and out quickly. All hopes dashed as I stood there listening to this little man work his way through all the complications of his order for himself and maybe several others. Should I give up and run out the door?

“Don’t be overheard complaining … not even to yourself.” ― Marcus Aurelius

As I climbed into my vehicle I suddenly realized what God must think when he stands behind me in the line, watching my behavior and idle chatter. Am I really scoring any extra points for my lack of grace and selfishness? Is he impatient, critical, or perpetually hurried?

Doesn’t that cause a pause? What if God was really watching what I was doing? What I was saying about someone behind their back? How I wasn’t helping when I could? Those times when I fudged about the truth? Does God really expect me to live out my beliefs, even when it’s difficult or I’m out of practice?

“I have always found that actively loving saves one from a morbid preoccupation with the shortcomings of society.” ― Alan Paton

Complaining and being critical sure does make me feel better in the moment. I wonder what long term benefit it has for my soul?

Put up with one another. Forgive. Pardon any offenses against one another, as the Lord has pardoned you, because you should act in kind. – Colossians 3:13

Do you live in a place that daily empowers you?

I’ve already got a post ready to upload. Tonight I finally put away my Christmas. I was running late with this chore due to a cold all last week. As I was hauling plastic crates out to my messy garage I started to see and think about another important experience that I should write about. Right now before the fires of inspiration begin to burn low. BTW, don’t tell my son-in-law that my garage is still messy.

Good friends unexpectedly came over to help me set up my annual minimal Christmas. What a blessing this was. We tried to make a fun night out of it. They were a no-nonsense, purpose driven SWAT team. Haven’t you ever had someone do something for you, and you didn’t realize until afterwards how much you really needed it? That tree never looked so professionally decorated. While watching, I sent my daughter a photo of the progress. She texted back, telling me, “That’s what it’s supposed to look like, Dad!” 

“We only have what we give.” ― Isabel Allende

The Gallup organization provides personality testing for people who work in organizations like colleges. It’s also available as a learning experience for students. As the years have gone by, I have taken these kinds of self-tests again and again. As with all such personality indicators, the results change as time and circumstances evolve. My list of “strengths” has always moved around as I have had different kinds of roles and progressed through stages of development.

All of this to say, one of my strengths is called INPUT. People high in this theme tend to archive and collect information, memories, ideas, symbols. Anyone who has been to my little cottage always remarks right away about the eclectic décor. It’s sort of like a gypsy explosion. Lot’s of color and artifacts everywhere. My contribution, due to my strength, are all of the filled up bookshelves and memories on the walls. For example, hanging in the hall, there are classic rock albums from bands whose concerts I have attended. There’s a bookshelf in EVERY room of the house.

“I’ve got an apartment that consists of nothing but books; on the other hand, I don’t collect. It’s a mania to buy books. I can’t go out without buying a book. But it would never occur to me to collect. I collect authors because obviously I want all their work, but this business of first editions and that whole thing doesn’t strike me.” ― Edward Gorey

As I was trudging from one end of the house to the other tonight, I kept passing by photos on the walls, symbols of memory (like that vase), and even the orange bird carved from wood that made it back to the mantle. I am living in a cocoon of remembrance. It’s always a great feeling to be home.

I’m looking up right now at a photo of my one-year-old granddaughter beaming at me with the lights of her Christmas tree in the background. She is extremely photogenic. I half expect her first line to be, “Mom, I’m ready for my close up!” This one is just a perfect picture, and as I gaze at it again, she’s not that far away anymore.

Hanging on the wall right above this photo is another one of her soon to be five-year-old brother sitting in bed with my wife. He was about 18 months old at the time. He is babbling away about something and she is looking back with the deepest affection at the little man of her dreams. They are both sitting in her hospice bed, she will be gone to heaven a few months later. Neither one of them seem to me that far away either.

My cloud of witnesses

I’ve always thought that one of the most inspiring versus from the Bible is in the letter to the Hebrews:

So since we stand surrounded by all those who have gone before, an enormous cloud of witnesses, let us drop every extra weight, every sin that clings to us and slackens our pace, and let us run with endurance the long race set before us. – Hebrews 12:1 (The Voice)

Here, in my house, I feel as if I am surrounded by a cloud of memory that bears witness to God’s love, his grace and provision. It’s real because of these people, places and symbols. They each bear witness to me day after day. That’s probably why I’m still chugging along.

What’s helping you run the race?

I often stand around for way too long trying to locate photos on my phone. They are not organized! There’s got to be a better way. My encouragement to you is to not leave your important memories buried in the archive that is your phone. Print something(s) important to you and keep it out so you can see it daily. Let it bear witness to the truth you have experienced. The manager at CVS and I are now good friends, I print off all of my photos there. Rotating photos of two grandkids as they grow like weeds is like a part-time job.

“Generally speaking, our stuff can be divided into three categories: useful stuff, beautiful stuff, and emotional stuff.” ― Francine Jay

Ultra sparse Scandinavian minimalism works well if clutter is your problem but I’m advocating finding some ways to visually stimulate your thinking and feeling each day as you head off to do battle. Do some rain dancing so that your cloud descends. Hauling out all that Christmas tonight was much less a chore for me as I brushed up against so much memory and meaning.

My grandchildren spent some time with me over the Christmas holidays. I looked down and saw fingerprints on my pajamas one morning. A sure sign that there had been no Christmas ghosts at my house this year. I sat back and surveyed the wreckage of having the whole family here in my little house. It was a marvelous carnage of wrapping paper, half-eaten meals, toys, and toddler debris on all the floors. We didn’t have the dog this time. That meant more and less mess.

It was all over too quickly.

“You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you.” ― Frederick Buechner

The pajamas are in the washing machine right now. But those prints are on my soul forever. Don’t they always say that childhood passes so quickly? My grandchildren live in the Dallas area. I don’t see them often enough. They are bigger and more grown up each time I do. I missed the whole crawling stage this fall.

“Being with you and not being with you is the only way I have to measure time.” ― Jorge Luis Borges

It got very cold during Christmas. At least for this part of Texas. I was in bed with an extra blanket. It was a quilt that my grandmother had pieced together from her sewing scraps. She sewed clothes for herself and others in the family. Over the years as I have grabbed that patchwork quilt I think about my grandmother. Growing up, we spent a lot of time together. It’s not so much a single event or interaction that I recall, but her presence that has been instilled within me because of her constancy, patience and deep love.

As I labor to build memories for my own grandchildren, I think about my childhood memory with others. It’s not built out of single events, but instead those long and constant relationships.

As Christmas came to an end, I had the familiar experience – departure. Everyone loaded into the car and waved from the backseat. I then begin to prepare myself for our next meeting. Mostly this is self-preparation. When next we meet, how am I going to do a better job of grandfathering? Of course, realizing that these two children are ever changing as they grow more and more as each day passes. I hope I do too.

Are you working on your 2023 resolutions yet? This next year’s list are predictably similar to those from previous years. Take a look at a U.S. survey from October – November.

Here’s something interesting to know about resolutions. Haven’t you heard that success is greater if you make yourself accountable – tell someone who will check in on your progress? This is sort of like Social Facilitation. Research tells us that this only works when you are performing a task that you already know how to do. Being accountable or having the eyes of your whole family on your every trip to the refrigerator can instead get in the way of your success when you’re attempting a goal you don’t know how to accomplish.

Resolutions tend to focus on self-improvement. The weight that must get lost, the habits to change, or the money to save. What about resolving to be more intentional about the people in your life – especially those who depend on you? Even those who don’t even realize yet how much they need you?

“A kind gesture can reach a wound that only compassion can heal.” ― Steve Maraboli

As you arise on the morning of the next year, look down and see those handprints on your pajamas. Who are you going to take with you into this next chapter of life?

I’m digging out stuff in the closet. It’s worse than I thought. How did I accumulate all this junk? Who in the world thought THIS was worth saving? Someone else around here must be loading stuff into this little closet – not me! Maybe if I get it all cleaned out and thrown away I’ll move off that naughty list just in time for Christmas?

 

My three theories about closets:

Closets are where we accidently accumulate junk

I’ve got a very junked up closet in my study. I’ve made a promise that I’m going to get in there and clean out all the terrible trash that has filled it up for years and years. The closets in my house are mostly all small and unlit – making them like haunted tombs.

Over the years, I have searched through the closets of others and been astounded at what found its way into the darkness. Why save THIS? Most ended up here because a decision couldn’t be made. In a hurry, we stash away what we imagine we might need in the future. I glanced at a small box full of electronic cords in my dark closet last week. Who knows what those match with anymore?

Be careful, so many items that stay in your closet too long can lose their value. If you aren’t careful with the people in your life – keeping up and staying in touch, they too will become obsolete to you. Who knows what value you each might have lost to others in the dark.

In our closets we find things we had forgotten about

A lot people are digging around in their closets this time of year. Are you trading out your warm weather clothes for sweaters and coats? That typically doesn’t happen much here in Houston – although a big freeze is predicted for Christmas. Just in time to kill all my plants. As the seasons change it’s time to trade out short sleeves for sweaters. I was at a play last week and there were older men wearing shorts – in December. The weather down here is always strange.

Christmas means pulling out the decorations from wherever they’ve been stored and opening boxes and bags. Closets can be places to hide away gifts. I found storage boxes of gift wrap supplies in three different closets lately, one box was even under my bed. I’ve got to be careful to remember all the places I’ve hidden away presents from prying eyes who came to visit during Thanksgiving.

“I forget what matters because I pay attention to what doesn’t.” ― Craig D. Lounsbrough

When something is misplaced or just gone for good, we always start digging in a closet. It must be in here somewhere.  Each time I search I find something new I had not been looking for. I file it away, hoping later to remember, that’s where the box of dominoes now resides. As organized as we strive to be, closets will always be repositories, used infrequently and by more than one person. There’s always something in there to discover.

Our lives are like that as well. There really is something of value hidden away in the dark – it just might take time and effort to dig around and lay hold of it. That something, whether it’s a memory, skill or slice of wisdom needs to be shared. 

Closets are places for keeping treasures safe and secure

This is the place where you stash away what you don’t need to access each day. Back in the ancient days I had a file cabinet with family records stored away in a closet. Everything is digital now. When I was growing up I had a relative with a coin collection stored in his closet. He would take it down to show us when we visited. There’s a big plastic container that I can see in one of my closets packed full of photo albums from across the decades. These are invaluable memories. I pulled one down during Thanksgiving so my daughter could show her son what she was doing when she was his age. It meant more to us than to him I’m sure.

During this season, do you know what your REAL treasures are? What have you hidden away in your memories? There’s that famous question, what’s the first thing you will grab when the fire alarm goes off? We keep things safe so that they can be share with others. During this time of year with family, share some important stories associated with what you are keeping treasured in your life.

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In my bedroom I expanded to two closets after my wife passed away. Now, I feel as if I’ve moved into a luxury hotel. For years I only had room for the necessities in my one closet. All that has changed. I even have space to store items I may never use. There are pillows on the floor, suits that are too big, a box filled with concert t-shirts, and even old jewelry that no one wants.

Sitting up on the shelf, where I see it every day as I open that closet door, are my wife’s remains. She was cremated and we never did anything with what was left. The pandemic hit, my family moved away and then I just woke up and a few more years had past. So, my wife is still here with me, sort of.  This wasn’t the plan. I’m not sure we made any concrete plan. At the time all we were really concentrating on was surviving cancer for one more day. Living in the afterwards left us sort of bewildered.

What’s behind those doors of your life? Are there items that need to be reorganized, pulled forward and put to use? What about something that needs to be set out on the curb for trash pick up? Unhealthy habits, old baggage, grievances, selfish attitudes – anything like that need to go? You’ve got treasures stored away that should be shared with someone before it’s too late.

Make today count and do something with what’s in your closet.

 

I noticed the other day, although it’s been going on for a long time, the use of the word “phobia” in our daily discourse. In the most safe of civilizations in the history of the world, we certainly talk about fear a lot.

At our Thanksgiving dinner we all enjoyed (I hope) a dish of Brussels Sprouts. Now, I’m reasonably certain that there are people all around me who are sproutsphobic. They do not care for this little cabbage like side dish. Even though I cooked it with bacon and tried not to over do it so that it wouldn’t turn out mushy. Still, I think there are people in other families that would protest having this dish added to their feasts.

I saw a security photo last week of a man walking out the doors of a store dragging dozens of new purses behind him. He was obviously shoplifting in a very brazen manner. The retail industry reports that in 2019, almost $70 billion worth of merchandise was shoplifted. That cost must be passed down to someone. Probably me. That makes me angry and afraid that this behavior will increase. I guess I’m a shoplifterphobic person. Aren’t you?

Sometimes I find myself driving back home, out to the suburbs, from an event that took place downtown. It’s late at night and the traffic is very minimal. But often, there are people driving past me who have obviously been drinking. There are others who take advantage of the empty lanes on the freeway to race at dangerous speeds. It’s dark, very late and despite the lack of traffic, I find myself driving home very much afraid of those other drivers. I try to pay careful attention and get where I need to go as fast as I can.  Does this make me a latenightdrivingphobic person?

“Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.” ― Marie Curie

What I really believe is that when we overuse a serious term like this we run the risk of causing harm to people who might need help. In the heat of political, moral and social debates in our society, using labels is a convenient way to reduce the opposition to a category and dehumanize people who disagree.

Having a real phobia is a diagnostic symptom used by health professionals. It is marked by out of proportion fear or anxiety about a specific object or situation. These fears are not reasonable or based on facts. People who are terrified of heights and won’t ride in an elevator. Those who fear water and won’t walk across a bridge. Others won’t go to the doctor or dentist because of their fears related to examinations. I just had a student in my office telling me her sister has trypophobia – I’ve never in my life heard of this one?!

What classifies these as phobias is that they are irrational feelings and they can prevent people from living a full and healthy life.  When we overuse the term, “phobia,” we risk minimizing the real obstacles that some people face and work very hard to overcome. Inadvertently, we are making light of serious health problems.

Just because I don’t agree with you doesn’t mean that I have a phobia, just that I have a different opinion or belief.

“It is better to debate a question without settling it than to settle a question without debating it.” ― Joseph Joubert

“I wanted to thank you,” I said.
She wrinkled her nose and squinted like I’d said something funny.
“Thank me for what?” she said.
“You give me strength I didn’t know I had,”; I said. “You make me better.”

― Ransom Riggs

Thank you…

for parking with enough room so as not to dent my door

for remembering my name

for making me feel welcome

for playing my favorite song

for asking

for listening again so patiently

for sharing those photos

for saying “excuse me”

for asking me to lunch

for fixing my phone

for not making too much fun of me when I park me car like that

for not standing too close

for yelling out “hello” when I walked in the door

for sitting quietly in the hospital with me

for looking at my photos

for buying stamps

for forwarding that email

for driving all this way

for being persistent

for letting me past you in that crowded grocery aisle

for taking your hat off

for waiting when I was late

for showing me how to get from here to there

for remembering

for sharing your umbrella

for not trying to match my story with yours that’s better

for making room in your busy life

for not talking during the movie

for letting me know you got home safe

for not walking too far ahead

for buying my dinner

for asking how my grandchildren are doing

for putting me on your prayer list

for telling me it’s going to be alright, and making me believe it

for being a good example to follow

for holding up my bike when the training wheels needed to come off

for telling me the truth

for loving those I loved

for loading the dishwasher, again

for not complaining, the way I do

for lending me that book

for listening to me go on and on in frustration

for sharing your popcorn

for helping me carry in the groceries

for holding the door

for not rolling your eyes when I gave too much advice

for inviting me to that concert

for telling me about a new movie

for letting me know when I let you down

for telling me what time it really was

for talking during those long drives to keep me awake

for telling me what a good idea I had, even when I didn’t

for posing in photos with me that I will save for a lonely future

for not remembering all my mistakes

for answering the phone

for making a plate for me to share

for making me keep my word

for answering email right away

for being in a good mood even when I know you’re not

for not having to be asked

for coming to the rescue

for sitting with me on the balcony during a starry night

for a smile beamed at a stranger

for sharing some good news

for inviting me to sit with you

for being gracious when telling me how I messed up

for holding my hand

for not leaving me alone

for letting me share a little of your hope

 

“St. Augustine said, “The very pleasures of human life men acquire by difficulties.” There are times when the entire arrangement of our existence is disrupted and we long then for just one ordinary day – seeing our ordinary life as greatly desirable, even wonderful, in the light of the terrible disruption that has taken place. Difficulty opens our eyes to pleasures we had taken for granted.”

― Elisabeth Elliot

“You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

My neighbor brought over dinner the other evening. Our cold weather had arrived. It was her specialty of Tex-Mex (New Mex-Mex?), including the annual holiday batch of tamales. We both are from parts of the country that celebrate with these wonderful delicacies. She had just returned from out of state, taking care of a grandchild in the ICU.

Of course, if you donate an organ, it’s a monumental act of love and sacrifice. But it’s very rare, right? What I’m thinking about are all the little acts of kindness that we all do for each other – these gestures that hold the social world together each day. It’s so easy to take simple gestures for granted if we’re not careful.

“Guard well within yourself that treasure, kindness. Know how to give without hesitation, how to lose without regret, how to acquire without meanness.” ― George Sand

Research tells us two things about kindness;

(1) when we do something kind toward others, despite its cost, it stimulates the brain in positive ways.

(2) acts of kindness are contagious – when we experience or witness kindness it makes us happy and to look for ways to repeat similar acts.

One little email or text with a photo makes so much of a difference. It can communicate layers to someone else – maybe at just the right time (theirs, not yours).  How about sticking a card or note in the mail, remember the mail? Amazon will sell you Forever Stamps so you will always be ready. I have a friend who used to give me calls when he was driving home from work. What great idea. Use that time for a meaningful purpose. Kindness means the most when it’s not expected. Who in your circle needs some human contact the most right now?

The first place to start being kind is to pay attention. Stop talking, look someone in the eyes, provide the right body language and never try to match with your own example (like a ping-pong game).  I often get so wrapped up in my own cares of right this moment that I miss out on really listening. Today, while I was listening, I think I rushed someone out of my office maybe too quickly. Being kind with time can be a tremendous gift in this world full of too much busy-ness.

Being kind takes empathy as well. It’s impossible to know how to be kind when we don’t understand and feel as someone else does. A student and I were talking about her class performance the other day. I was repeating to her instructions and coaching that I had given countless times in class. Why didn’t she hear this the first or fifteenth time? It was very difficult for me to empathize with her panic about passing the next exam. I tried to imagine her as my own child, or myself – much easier to do! When I was in college I needed a lot of help. Of course, this will never happen if you aren’t listening (see above).

“The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the greatest intention.” ― Kahlil Gibran

What do you need to do today to raise your awareness of the situations of others in your circles?  How about just stopping, turn everything off, sit on the porch and reflect. 

What do you need to do today to feel and understand better? Maybe you could ask someone to tell you (again) their story about what’s happened?

Make a list. What kindness could you carry out today?  Put it on your calendar. Maybe your kindness is something you stop doing. Something you stop saying.

Got any tamales you want to share?

“Life is mostly froth and bubble,
Two things stand like stone.
Kindness in another’s trouble,
Courage in your own.” 

― Adam Lindsay Gordon