And I hope when I get old, I don’t sit around thinking about it
But I probably will. – Bruce Springsteen, Glory Days

All Those Memories Made at the Rock Concert

Since moving to Houston almost 30 years ago, attending rock concerts became an exciting experience to join in with and attend with friends. My own daughter became a big fan over the years, getting pulled into the adventure with dad.

Most are late middle or senior citizens and white. That’s what the classic rock crowd has evolved into. Hard to keep them at the show too late. Not as eager to hang around for the encore. Even most of the geriatric bands are ready to get to bed soon after most of us.

One of the last great shows I went to was John Mellencamp. Had great seats right up at the front. The problem started about 20 minutes into the show when, one by one, everyone with bladder issues had to crawl down the aisle to go to the bathroom. On and on, all night long. Very rabid fans, but the call of nature always louder than any guitar riff.

“I’d trade all my tomorrows for a single yesterday.” – Lynyrd Skynyrd

We are all hurrying to each rock concert, hoping to make it before the aging rockers pass away. The classic songs of the 60’s and 70’s were written and performed 50-60 years ago. Also remember, you could still be kickin’ but unable to sing those notes anymore. Another tour might be out of the question. A couple of years ago, I saw one band member have to take a seat between every other song. At another show, the lead singer was sharing with us about all his surgeries and repairs. All night long, it seemed as if he was going to teeter off the front of the stage into our laps.

“You may be right, I may be crazy – but it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for.” – Billy Joel

All Those Unforgettable Characters

The guy who’s not aware that anyone else is there. Hard to imagine with hundreds and hundreds in attendance. He’s found a spot, stands and sits there and never adjusts to the crowd. Sometimes he’s taking pictures or filming. Oblivious to how his Steven Spielberg act is distracting or blocking the view of those nearby. He’s all alone in his moment – all night long.

There’s the lady in her early 60’s, dressed like a 20-year-old, gyrating away like she just got a new hip. She has a new dance move choreographed for each song. This is a special night for her – so much joy expressed unapologetically. I keep thinking, is that someone’s grandmother? What fun they must have at Thanksgiving.

RUSH concerts were always interesting because the audience was predominantly males. You had to look hard to find the other sex. I liked spotting all the dads and uncles who had brought the next generation of kids with them. Again, mostly males but every now and then a daughter. I introduced my own daughter to RUSH at a concert back when she was in high school. They are always exceptionally loud and everyone sings along. I think she had a good night.

Every now and then I end up a row in front or behind a pair of very happy female friends. Many times they will carry on a running conversation – through most of the concert, over each song. Raising their voices when necessary. All of us nearby leave the show knowing all the details about the cat’s upper respiratory tract infection or the guy at work that can’t get the hint he’s not her type.  I always wonder why they’ve paid so much for tickets and talked through the whole night?

Thunder only happens when it’s raining… Stevie Nicks

At one show, my friend and I spent the first half watching a young lady trying to talk the security guards (at each side of the stage) into letting her back to see the band. As I understand her urgency, she had to get to them because she had knitted tops for each member of the group. She was looking for the opening act band and didn’t seem to realize they had left the building an hour into her protestations. She was relentless and entertaining. A real groupie.

How about the true-blue fan who knows the words to every song and bellows them out for everyone in a 30-yard radius to hear. There’s a little voice inside asking yourself, you paid how much to hear this guy screech;

Jeremiah was a bullfrog.
Was a good friend of mine.
I never understood a single word he said,
but I helped him a drink his wine.

A friend and I go to the same band each year when it comes to town. We love them and it’s a way for us to nail down a big memory. It’s the best medicine. They sing the same songs but have such an over-the-top performance, we are eager to be a part of the show again and again.

Many times, I’ve taken groups of teens and introduced them to the classic sounds and lyrics. We still talk about those summer nights outside with the old hippies. Hearing familiar feelings that we could all understand. It also helped to share a part of our own youth with the next generation – to let them in on the secret.

“Don’t let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy.” – The Eagles

Rock Concerts Help Keep Us Connected

These rock concerts I attend are joyous events for everyone. We are singing and swaying to the beat. All members of the same tribe. Sharing a common experience. There’s a recent survey that reported 40% of adults in their sample hadn’t had an in-person conversation in three days. We all feel like we are becoming a more isolated society. This tends to reinforce that belief.

When I go to a loud, familiar, and emotional concert, it helps to anchor my life back where it belongs. We were meant to live in the hustle and bustle of life, shoulder to shoulder with others. Sharing our lives with people is how we keep being human. Just get over it and ask that guy next to you, Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango?

“If there’s a bustle in your hedgerow, don’t be alarmed now – it’s just a spring clean for the May Queen.” – Led Zeppelin

At some point in your life, you’re going to have a monster under your bed. These experiences are not reserved for childhood. They can even happen again and again. I’ve had four over the past five years!

Hurried folks were pushing their baskets as fast as they could on that Friday evening right after work. The darkening clouds of approaching rain added an urgency to the search for something to fix for dinner at the end of the week. All of this hurry and scurry was swinging past us as we hugged in the flower department that evening. She was filled up with the fear of that cancer monster that had crawled out from under their bed. I was stunned and just trying to find a way to comfort. All while the chaos of life careened all around.

My friend saw me as we approached each other from different ends of the store. She told told me that as she drove up, she knew I’d be there. Probably her soul knew she needed people to lean on during these very hard days. We caught up and I heard the grim news. Heartbreaking, about her husband. She was tired, worried and her eyes were filled up with that deep uncertainty about the days ahead. I’d been there, done that, so I recognized her expression at once.

Nothing got fixed, but she knew there was one other person on her team. She left the store that night, assured that she wasn’t alone in this hard, hard fight.

“Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.” ― Fred Rogers

Someone else lost their job. What’s going to happen next year? Will I find a new place to work was written all across his face as we sat together at lunch. What’s it been now, two years? He’s still searching. I keep wanting to come up with some sort of solution or wise advice. Males are like that, we want to fix things. The problem is, if we don’t have a solution in our pocket, we tend to avoid contact. That’s always the wrong choice. What people need is just to sit there over chips and salsa and have someone listen. I’ve been so blessed to have several guacamole friends who listen so well. I hope I can get better at it myself.

The beast under the bed is never as frightening when we have someone who will listen to our fearful discourse, no matter how silly it sounds once it’s out there.

“Don’t give in to your fears. If you do, you won’t be able to talk to your heart.” ― Paulo Coelho

As the hours changed, the students came in and lined up to get their drinks at the campus coffee shop. We never drank coffee when I went to college. How did we get through without all the caffeine and latte? My friend and I had worked here at the university for decades. All of a sudden, like a drunk driver crashing into your car out of nowhere, we were both widows. We sat together over our hot beverages, watching the students come in out of the rain and got caught up. There are so many tasks that must be attended to when a spouse is gone. No one ever explains this or provides a manual in case of emergency.

We don’t talk much about the jobs we had lost, but mostly about the lives that had suddenly disappeared. I walk away with great advice just listening to what he’s tackled or is planning to get done. You have no idea, unless you’ve walked this road yourself. Let me just give you a very brief list of what we casually talk about: possessions, adult children, moving, cremation, church, providence, friendship, grace, jewelry, couches, and grandchildren. I’m certain meal planning is on the horizon.

Whatever might be scary under the bed always seems less so after I’ve found a fellow traveler who’s been on the same road and can tell me it’s going to be okay. One who’s also found an easy way to get rid of that extra bed in the now shrinking house.

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing. At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me.” ― C.S. Lewis

I Those monsters under the bed don’t disappear once we grow up. What I’m learning, mostly the hard way, is that everyone is fighting a hard battle – or soon will be. There’s someone nearby who needs a lifejacket of your time. All you have to do is give a little nudge. It may a take a few texts, calls, notes or smiles to let ’em someone know you mean it. Chips and salsa usually works with everyone.

“A man is literally what he thinks, his character being the complete sum of all his thoughts.” ― James Allen

It’s Spring Break where I am. How come I’m still behind and can’t get caught up? Who decided to give out three long answer exams the week before – that all need to be graded this week? What’s wrong with me? Don’t answer that.

At the start of the week, I was able to travel up the road north and visit my family. It was non-stop center of attention for me with my two grandchildren. As hard as I tried, I could not stay ahead of either. One is two and the other is six.

My daughter and I were talking a little about the difference in how each handles misbehavior. The two-year-old needs a lot of direction and coaching from the outside. The six-year-old seems to know much more about the choices he’s making. Often, when he makes the wrong choice, he knows and expects consequences – if he gets caught.

If he gets caught. Have you ever noticed those signs in the dressing room at the store? The ones that let you know that there are cameras waiting to catch shoplifters. We call that external social control. The fear of being caught that keeps people doing the right thing. The police car parked under the tree as you speed around that corner. The instructor pacing up and down each aisle while you are taking your exam. Younger people who are still developing need more external controls. Society works better when its members do what’s right because they believe it’s right, not because they’re afraid of getting caught.

“To educate a person in the mind but not in morals is to educate a menace to society.” ― Theodore Roosevelt

This belief about right and wrong is called internal social control. The values and norms that we have accepted and implanted in our mind and heart. This happens because our family and school take such care instilling within us what really matters. This kind of control manifests itself in the voice of your mother haunting you as you contemplate poor decisions. A deeply felt sense of fairness and justice when you sit on a jury. The shock you feel when a friend at school asks to copy your research paper.

All of a sudden, at the end of almost 30 years in the college classroom, I’m having a terrible time with academic dishonesty. As I’ve aged, acting the role of police officer or detective is one I resist. Last year, I looked at a student who was using his phone while taking his exam. He looked back and me and knew he’d been caught. Instead of pulling the chain on the guillotine, I started an ongoing conversation with him about learning, his character and consequences. He wasn’t on the path to passing the class anyway. Maybe he was acting out of desperation. Maybe, like many students, he was unprepared for college or tackling too much all at once.

“Character is much easier kept than recovered.” ― Thomas Paine

The world that people are growing up in today provides harsh soil to nurture character. Fragmented families that are missing fathers are too busy trying to survive – while every member is on the their phone. Our media saturated environment pushes moral relativism instead of objective right and wrong that could be a roadmap. No wonder so many get lost. I fear that our schools are trying to play it safe today and keep their noses out of character – their work focused so much more on maintaining a civilized space for learning.

“Our children are only as brilliant as we allow them to be.” ― Eric Micha’el Leventhal

I believe that people need to learn how to think and act with character – one that embraces honesty and truth. It’s not something we are necessarily born with. Each time I witness another student cheating on something so completely insignificant, I know that she is unable to see that her character is in the balance.  Developing one’s character is a series of critical lessons. That student who copied his answers on that quiz has not had the lesson of character explained, modeled and learned.

The few weeks ago, a woodpecker was busy high up in the branches of a soft wood tree in my neighbors yard. It’s just a stone’s throw from my bedroom window. I can hear him violently tapping away as the sun rises in the mornings. He’s got work to do. Breakfast to wrangle. He is persistent on his task. The tree has been there for years. I have seen woodpeckers in the neighborhood often. This is the first time I have heard one banging away in that tree.

At this stage in my life, I often feel like just giving up when faced with the student dishonesty. I know that it’s probably a gigantic moral tangle that someone needs to start to do something about. Do I have the time or energy?  Some of my friends know that over the past seven years or so, the birds bring me messages that seem to really matter. That noisy woodpecker each morning for about a week reminded me, once I thought about it, that there are things that matter, like people, like young people, and it’s always worth keeping at it.

“The best way to show that a stick is crooked is not to argue about it or to spend time denouncing it, but to lay a straight stick alongside it” ― D.L. Moody

How do you feel about history?

In two different history classes recently I discovered that there was no student who knew who General Eisenhower was – the leader of the Allied D-Day invasion of Europe. Later, the 34th President of the United States. When I revealed the answer, I didn’t see any “Oh yes” recognition on anyone’s face. A colleague told me that maybe there were shy students who didn’t want to answer. I doubted it.

This kind of story always happens in colleges everywhere. But this time it’s different for me and I reflected on the experience. As I think about the days I have left,  I wondered about what I need to be sure and tell my students so they don’t leave at the end of our semester without a clue.

“One lives in the hope of becoming a memory.” ― Antonio Porchia

I was on a panel this week at our “chapel” service. The topic was love and marriage. My simple advice to that gathering of students was simple, get off your phone and go on a date. You might be surprised at how little real interaction takes place at college these days. Most students aren’t meeting and making new friends or reading books. They’re addicted to their phone. Ingenious marketing strategy. 

When I used to lead orientations for new faculty and adjuncts, one thing I would remind everyone is that their students may not remember much about what they had made so much effort to teach. But, their students will remember THEM. We all make some sort of impression – hopefully a positive and meaningful one.

What kind of history do I want to make? I will have to start being more conscious about what I say and do in my classes this week, how I interact with individual students, what I write in my feedback on assignments and how I prepare all that important content. What is so important? What will matter most?

Here’s a few items on my list so far:

• Why learning how to read is always going to pay off. This truly is a dying skill.
• Brief pep talks about the little things you do today that are building the future you. Like showing up on time and meeting deadlines.
• Habits that can go past this class and work in other areas of life. Asking questions, for example or always appearing interested in what’s happening (even if you’re not).
• Start crafting your own big and confident signature. Doesn’t that sound trivial? You wouldn’t believe the strange and cryptic signatures I see each day. They make an impression…
• Learning how to understand the “rules of the game” that will put you steps ahead of everyone else. That’s what my discipline is all about.
• Talk out loud as if you mean what you’re saying. A lot of mumbling and soft talking. Too much time texting, probably.
• Love isn’t just a word in a message, it’s an action that’s hard to practice sometimes. But practice makes perfect.
• History really can teach us a lot about tomorrow.
• God understands and wants to have a relationship with us all.

I’m still working on it. Anyone have any suggestions about what you wished you had learned when you were in your early 20’s?

“Attitude is a choice. Happiness is a choice. Optimism is a choice. Kindness is a choice. Giving is a choice. Respect is a choice. Whatever choice you make makes you. Choose wisely.”  ― Roy T. Bennett

I’ve got journals filled up with what I’d do different in my college years. But I think the real answer for me would have been to have found a mentor or someone who would be willing to give me some wise advice. That’s what I’m trying to be next week. That person that I needed to have in my own life waaaaay back when.

“The public have an insatiable curiosity to know everything, except what is worth knowing.” ― Oscar Wilde

“I wish you to know that you have been the last dream of my soul.” ― Charles Dickens

At the Grammys on Sunday there was an extra special performance. I stopped watching the Grammys a long time ago. Today I shared with friends that the date when MTV first went on the air (back when they actually played music),1981- that date is closer to the day of the Pearl Harbor bombing (1941) than it is to today. Ugh!

I was anticipating a special performance tonight. Tracy Chapman returned to the stage for the first time since ending a tour in 2009 (she had made only three public performances since then). She has not released an album in 15 years. Gone from the music scene but left as an iconic songwriter.

She appeared tonight with a big name in Country music, Luke Combs. He had recently done a cover of her fantastic song “Fast Cars” – they sang it together, both bursting with happiness while singing. It was a wonderful performance that had everyone cheering and singing along during the unforgettable chorus.

If you’ve forgotten the song, please go and listen to it again. It’s a story. A deep story about escape and hope using the metaphor of a fast car.

The song is about the hope of escaping family catastrophe, poverty, loss, abandonment, and about dreams and desperation.

What is the story you tell yourself when you think about all the people and situations that have been central to your life? I often tell the college students I’m always around about when I was their age and how unprepared for school I was. So many of my students also work long hours at jobs. I tell them I empathize, I worked until past midnight waiting tables, paying the bills, putting myself through college. I barely made it to graduation.

But when I tell the story I’m always focused on my near failure as a student. What I never talk about is the “fast car” that came at just the right time. That job that I did so well at – made great money, met so many characters, built so much self-esteem and paid the bills. It was the rescue that I needed. I really did get launched into a future of dreaming because of THAT “fast car.” These chances that come our way are sometimes unexpected and may look like a spare tire instead of a way out.

I’ve got friends in their latter years who are experiencing terrible treatment with their careers. Years and years later, they get shown the door. It stinks and hurts and leaves a terrible taste that never goes away. This wasn’t supposed to happen at this age/stage. Students in college today don’t always act like they want to learn, instead they are trying to figure out how to go through the gauntlet that gets them a chance for a decent paying job. I want to figure out a way to tell a student who will listen that the job isn’t going to be a destination – probably just a “fast car” to take you to who you’re supposed to be next. Cars don’t last, but people do.

“A man must dream a long time in order to act with grandeur, and dreaming is nursed in darkness.” ― Jean Genet

My wife was the fastest car I ever got to ride in. She saved my life in so many ways. I’ve had friendships that were for only a season.  As I think about them, the timing was perfect. Then there were relationships that blew up and ended unexpectedly. Some friends that turned into enemies. But we rode together for a while in a “fast car” and it got me out and took me another mile up the road. Instead of focusing on the end of the story, I need to spend my time on the whole story. Riding with the widows down, the sun bright, and adventure around the next bend.

All of us have had “fast cars” in our lives – relationships, opportunities, and experiences. Sometimes they didn’t end well. But that’s not what matters, right? What a brilliant chance, person, connection that got me to the next stop and helped me figure out who I was (and wasn’t). I’m so thankful for the hope and dreams those “fast cars” instilled in me.

Go listen to that song again.

Your kids still need a “fast car” no matter how old they get. There’s someone at work that probably needs a “fast car.” Look back and think about that friend, who probably doesn’t need you for any answers, but just some time, time to be a “fast car” a couple trips a month.

“Fast cars” don’t fix all our problems, instead they give us a dose of hope, they keep us dreaming and help us let go of the things that weigh us down in our every day despair. Everyone needs a “fast car” at some point, like a wonderful song that keeps playing again and again, making your heart beat faster and drawing that dream ever closer.

“Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake.” ― Henry David Thoreau

“Beware the man of one book.”  ― Latin proverb

What’s the best way to pass on all my books?

Things have quickly changed and I find myself with two big libraries that I’ve collected over the years. I have my professional library up at my office and then all my odds and ends here at home. About half of it is fiction. A long time ago I got rid of all my paperbacks. Our county library collects for annual book sales to raise funds. I drop off bags full every month.

I need to get rid of these books fast. I don’t have any family who are really interested. (I do have a collection of adventure stories that I started  from a few books of my grandfather’s. I’ve hidden the box away in my closet, hoping to pass on to my own grandson one day, years and years from now.)

At work, I’ve been trying to find likely candidates for my collections on social theory, religion, family, pop culture, race/ethnicity and sociology. So far I’ve been able to box up several shelves and pass on. A former student who’s a professor at UH received a box a few months ago. I passed on several history texts last year to a mystified student who told me he wanted to change his major. Now that I think more about it, I do remember gathering up a handful of research method texts for a missionary who was embarking on his graduate degree – in Turkey?

*not my real office!

But it still doesn’t look like I’ve made much of a dent in my office. Colleagues are stopping by and picking through the “carcass” – some of my old fashioned friends still read books. Hurrah! It makes me happy to know these treasures will still have a good life. I did just find a friend who wanted all my church, discipleship, Bible study and prayer books that I have at home. Several boxes to pass on – she will surely use them in her work. Another happy blessing for me.

What to do with all the rest of my collection at home? My history, poetry, art, theology, biography, cookbooks, culture and then all those mysteries??

“I go back to the reading room, where I sink down in the sofa and into the world of The Arabian Nights. Slowly, like a movie fadeout, the real world evaporates. I’m alone, inside the world of the story. My favourite feeling in the world.” ― Haruki Murakami

Books are a solitary yet social experience

My grandfather was a reader. He put a bookshelf in his home office. Each afternoon, instead of a nap, he would come into the house, sit back in his chair and read a book. He was a man of few words. Many in his family were quiet people. I remember growing up and visiting my great-grandmother’s house way out in the Hill Country. There was a large shelf of books in the back bedroom where visiting relatives slept. It was a collection that grew as family visited, brought a book, read a new one and then left it for others.  I’ve always thought you could divide the world into readers and non-readers.

“A great book should leave you with many experiences, and slightly exhausted at the end. You live several lives while reading.” ― William Styron

All those books at my house, collected over the years, and I’ve never had anyone to talk with about any of them. It’s always been a solitary experience. That may be true for most readers. I guess I should have started my own book club. I could start one now and give everyone who joined their own box of books as a membership bonus.

My daughter is a reader. She reported recently about achieving a big goal, 115 books last year! She’s reading on a Kindle. I could never get the hang of that for some reason?? I do listen to an audio book now when I drive alone on long trips to see my family. It works great making the time fly and I’ve found some interesting “reads.” Those books don’t take up any room in the house!

Passing on reading to the next generation

My grandchildren and I have started our habit of reading. Before bed, of course, and then anytime the mood strikes. There are “board books” for the very young that have easy to turn pages. Some of these books have textured pages – with fur or even Astro-turf. Both children take off their shoes and “read” these books with bare feet. So much fun that way! My two-year-old granddaughter and I have been reading “Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?” over and over again. She loves all the animal sounds. I’m hoping they become readers. I’m collecting books for them already.

“A children’s story that can only be enjoyed by children is not a good children’s story in the slightest.” ― C.S. Lewis

How did I end up in this situation?

I started building my library as I worked my way through graduate school. It was a collection of what I was reading and should be reading.  They were also a prop that went along with this new person I was becoming. Students from the cell phone era often come into my office, look around and exclaim, “have you read all of these?”

“Do not read, as children do, to amuse yourself, or like the ambitious, for the purpose of instruction. No, read in order to live.” ― Gustave Flaubert

This is not just a collection of the books I’ve read, they are also books that I value possessing. Many I have looked through and NOT chosen to use in my classes. Some are not for reading all the way through, but for reference. There are others on the shelves that need to be read, but somehow were forgotten.

Again, what am I going to do with all this fiction at my house? It’s haunting me. I spoke with a colleague at work today who gifted me with a mystery. I told her about one I had just finished – promising to pass it on to her in return. That’s one strategy. Every room in my little house has a bookshelf in it filled up with books!

“A room without books is like a body without a soul.” ― Marcus Tullius Cicero

What am I going to do with all these mysteries?

I am going to get this giant task before me resolved. Eating the elephant one bite at a time. Each box that’s passed on to someone else makes it easier. Knowing that so many will be given to people who will be able to put them to use is a great feeling. Like children sent out to the world to do good. There’s a lot here that can certainly be bagged up and sent to the library for fund raising. I loaded five boxes into my vehicle tonight. It was a great feeling. To be moving in a positive direction (getting the house cleared out) and passing on some of my history to a friend, all feels so satisfied. (But, you have no idea how many more boxes there are to fill!)

“Books so special and rare and yours that advertising your affection feels like a betrayal.” ― John Green

“Now the wren has gone to roost and the sky is turnin’ gold
And like the sky my soul is also turnin’
Turnin’ from the past, at last and all I’ve left behind”
― Ray Lamontagne, God Willin’ & the Creek Don’t Rise

Should I make some changes? I’ve certainly got a list going. Usually, I’m not one that needs the reminder of a new year to think about what’s not working in my life. Now that I’m walking the trail alone and wrestling with several big catastrophes there’s much more reflection happening each day as I look in the mirror.

Yes, this is the season for reflection and resolutions. A little more than 40% of Americans report that they make some sort of resolution for the new year. Usually about living a healthier life. Most don’t last more than 2-3 months. Here’s a 2024 survey. 

When the COVID-19 pandemic hit and higher education went into a lock down mode of instruction, what I did each week drastically changed. It also seemed to happen all of a sudden.  There wasn’t much time to get used to what this new format of learning was going to be like. Most of what I did was filmed and recorded. There was very little physical contact with students. Those in the class sat far away and were masked up. Impossible to read body language on those kinds of faces.

Every class session was recorded and uploaded. As I watched and listened to each class, it didn’t take long for me to be horrified at how I was coming across. Mostly, I couldn’t believe how the recordings of my class presentations sounded. Was that really me? Had I always spoken like that? Why did no one ever tell me?

After watching and hearing these recorded sessions, I realized that I was not coming across as the professor that I thought I was. I sounded more like a panel member from a 1970’s TV game show. 

What a reminder. Sometimes I think I’m very aware of what I need to fix about my life and at other times, I’m completely blind. Most of the time we don’t have a recording following us around. But we do have trusted friends and family, right?  I will always need others around me to help me get a clear picture of who I really am. We all do. I recently wrote about the blessing of getting some unexpected positive feedback – check it out here.

“We always see our worst selves. Our most vulnerable selves. We need someone else to get close enough to tell us we’re wrong. Someone we trust.” ― David Levithan

As human beings develop, they acquire the ability to view themselves as they imagine others see them. It’s called being “reflexive.” This is why the way we talk to our children is so important. Those messages get internalized and are used to build our emerging selves. The ability to view oneself within a larger social context – like your family, teachers and friends – is how we construct a healthy and complete self.  The people that I have grown up with and continue to have around me, help to shape who I think I am – in mostly good ways. 

New technology means that everything today is being photographed and filmed. This is wonderful for me as a grandfather. I have access to the daily lives of my grandchildren in ways that previous generations never did. What a blessing! I’m also able to see short video clips of interactions I have. Again, is that really me? What doesn’t help is that I’m typically using “kidspeak” when talking with my grandchildren. But, I’m still shocked each time I hear and see myself.

Typically, these video clips capture a magic moment, but there I am, looking and sounding like the hobo who lives under the bridge. I need to start tucking in my shirt, combing my hair and sitting up straight. That ought to help, right?

“It’s not the appearance that makes a man, it’s the man that makes an appearance.” ― Anthony Liccione

Who are you going to be in 2024? The same person you were in 2023? Are you making steps toward your future self? A more attentive partner. The employee who’s becoming more dependable. Spending more of your energy on eternal concerns and less on the urgent tyrannies. Just a step toward your tomorrow self? Moving away from what’s not working?

I’m building my list. Off to a good start. I end up writing things down. There’s no backseat driver in my life. I do believe God’s Spirit resides in me and gives me all kinds of nudges. Am I listening today?

“Let us cultivate our garden.” ― Voltaire

When I set goals, I’m also reminded of my failures and constant effort to get back on track. You’d think by this time in my senior citizen life I’d have so much figured out. I’m still a work in progress. There are TWO BIG TRUTHS that I have come to believe related to change, success and failure:

1. Success isn’t as important as continual effort. When you get up again and believe that you are worth one more try, it keeps the fires stoked. It’s not arriving, but moving forward that transforms us.
2. I don’t think God leaves us hanging all on our own. He is going to complete his purpose in my life (sometimes, even despite me).

“Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.” ― Winston S. Churchill

There may be some things that just have to be accepted. Bringing home house plants again and again and just watching them die a slow death… Fighting squirrels in my attic… Sounding like an odd ball on every recording may be my constant failures.

But I’m not going to quit on all the rest.

“The only things you learn are the things you tame…”― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

I had my wonderful little family here during Thanksgiving and they were tasked with unpacking the Christmas tree. I took it apart last year, left it decorated, and packed it away in three plastic totes. While putting the pieces back together and rehanging a few ornaments that had slipped, my daughter put on her favorite “decorating” film, White Christmas. It made me think about how films have worked their way into our holiday traditions over the years. We’ve grown up with them in the background of our lives for many reasons. I confess, I like the classic films best. Here are some of my favorites:

It’s Wonderful Life (1946)

The classic Christmas Frank Capra film, teaching us all a moral lesson about life and about what it means to be an American. That’s what Capra was famous for.

The film rights lapsed and it fell into the public domain for several decades. That meant that TV stations who were looking for holiday content could show this film without cost. So, it became an American classic maybe not because we all fell in love with it, but because it was on TV so much during our lives.

There are several other films in his repertoire that are worth exploring:

• Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (1939)
• Meet John Doe (1941)
• Pocketful of Miracles (1961)

Actors were under studio contract back then, so you would see the same handful appearing again and again in films. John Ford made all those famous John Wayne films with the same group of actors over and over again. The villian from It’s a Wonderful Life, Old Mr. Potter (Lionel Barrymore) is cast in another wonderful Capra film, You Can’t Take It With You (1938), as the wise old Grandpa Vanderhof. It’s a stage play and seems like it when you watch the film. A very kooky cast of characters. It will make you want to look for your harmonica. Of course, a great lesson at the end.

As I mentioned, White Christmas (1954) is the traditional film my daughter puts on when she’s decorating.  All kinds of songs in the background while your digging around in the boxes of ornaments. No one sounds like Bing anymore, unless it’s Michael Buble. This film sort of originated as a black and white called Holiday Inn (1942). Not really a Christmas film, it has musical numbers for all the holidays throughout the year. It might be fun to watch as well. It has received criticism because of a blackface musical number for Lincoln’s birthday. They used to show it with is part edited out. Not anymore, promising to show the original unedited version of films only.

I’m a sucker for life lessons. The Bishops Wife (1947) has Cary Grant as a visiting angel who has come in answer to the prayers of a bishop trying to get a cathedal built. The angel performs a number of miracles all in the hopes of helping the mortals understand God’s real priorities.

For years, my all time favorite has been Christmas in Connecticut (1945).  Barbara Stanwyk plays a sort of pre-Martha Stewart magazine columnist. The magazine owner invites himself to her imaginary farmhouse for Christmas – to share with her made up husband and baby. Very much a romantic comedy. You’ve got to see it!

Again, the studio is using the same actors in multipe films. You will see Felix the cook and Mr. Yardley the magazine owner pair up again in Casablanca.  Barbara Stanwyk is great in anything you can see her in. Another slapstick comedy with Henry Fonda (comedy?) is The Lady Eve (1941). She’s a black widow killer in the classic film noir, Double Indemnity (1944). That one has Fred MacMurray from My Three Sons fame as the dark and dying narrator. Don’t this!

Do you remember from your childhood watching A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965)? Get your kids and grandkids together and talk about YOUR childhood Christmas – back when you had to walk two miles in the snow to haul firewood back home… This is back on some subscription services this year. Why can’t we get on the networks? Is there really that much on the schedule that needs to be there??

Recently I have added The Man Who Invented Christmas (2017) to my holiday tradition. It’s about Charles Dickens and his struggle to write A Christmas Carol. Very funny and tragic all at once. I love Christopher Plummer’s Scrooge. Each of the characters come to life and haunt Dickens as he invents them on the page. We learn about the terrible childhood that inspired so many of the characters and settings of Dickens classic stories. Also, the origin of some of our Christmas traditions from this time period. I highly recommend this one to everyone each year.

For people without kids yet…

Love Actually (2003) has become the new classic holiday romance. Can you believe it’s twenty years old? I’m seeing interviews with some of the now long in the tooth stars of the film who can’t believe it has remained so popular for so long. Everyone is a sucker for love – all the different layers that are portrayed in this story, even the Prime Minister. It’s funny, sad, heartwarming, and inspiring. Maybe a good date film why you realize you didn’t get the right gift this year?

On the other end of the emotional spectrum, Die Hard (1988) has become a Christmas tradition for many. It’s the action film that will attract the sleepy males in your family. We love it so much because by now, we can recite the lines together, right? This one is good for late at night when there’s a crowd in the house and maybe too much uncomfortable stuff got said at dinner?

A relatively recent survey listed these films (in order) as America’s holiday favorites:

1. It’s a Wonderful Life
2. A Christmas Story
3. Home Alone
4. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
5. How the Grinch Stole Christmas
6. Elf
7. Miracle on 34th Street
8. A Charlie Brown Christmas
9. Die Hard
10. Love Actually

My list isn’t too far off. I do admit watching A Christmas Story again and again when it first came out (1983). What’s on YOUR list? Post a reply and let everyone know. I leave you with the moral to the story – what’s important is sharing some time with your family and friends and making some more memories. It doesn’t cost much, just some time and intention.

“You told me once that we shall be judged by our intentions, not by our accomplishments. I thought it a grand remark. But we must intend to accomplish—not sit intending on a chair.” ― E.M. Forster

Is the next chapter right around your next corner?

Our Thanksgiving tradition in our little family is now to share our meal on Friday. It’s been working really well. During the getting it all set up that day I heard my son-in-law (always referred to by me as my “son”) tell my grandson that they were spending the night. That caught me off guard. I hadn’t planned for this. You see, having my grandson spend the night takes some advance preparation:

• He will arise and 5am and come get in bed with me – wide awake
• His immediate request is for an iPad with something entertaining to watch (quietly)
• He them will make a statement of fact – that he is hungry
• It’s probably 5:30am

To prepare for overnight visits, I’ve always mentally and physically caught up on my rest. I’ve got the iPad charged. They sell individual packs of cereal at the store that I can keep on my bedside table. Now, I can roll over and stay halfway asleep while he’s happy as a clam.

This year, I was not ready for any of that. Then his two-year-old sister began to sing aloud from her crib. I got up and grabbed her so that she could joined us, with a bowl of grapes. I had found and “popped” a tart for him. Needless to say, I never rolled back over because the bedroom TV was on. No iPad had been charge up.  Once I fully awoke, we were all very happy.

“For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.” ― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I couldn’t remember if they had spent the night the year before. Was I losing my mind as I feared? Like standing in the kitchen again and again wondering how I got there. I started to scroll back through Thanksgiving photos to see where we all were on that Saturday years gone by. After consultation with my daughter, I realized that their move out of town had only happened right before the COVID lock-down and then the Thanksgiving birth of my granddaughter. This was NOT a family tradition that slipped my feeble grasp. They’d only spent the night once before.

What a relief! I hadn’t dropped my marbles.

As my future gets more fluid, I wonder what we will all be doing during the Thanksgivings to come?

This is a new chapter for us. Another way to gather and for me to spend time with my growing up grandchildren. This year I took a long walk with my five-year-old. We also made a trip to the store to get breakfast provisions. He’s old enough now to spend time with and have deeper conversations. Just don’t go down the toy aisle, you’ll never make it out alive!

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, look to tomorrow, rest this afternoon.” ― Charles M. Schulz

A friend recently announced the passing of his mother. Her illness was fast. Not much time to prepare for her departure. It might take a long time for everyone to fully realize she’s not here anymore. He seemed to me like he was talking about an event from a story, not something in his own life. Not yet.

People used to ask me, what’s it like now that you live alone, now that your spouse has passed away?

• No more going out to lunch
• Realizing I will never be embraced again
• More conversations with myself
• Driving directions now from a mechanical voice
• A calendar with more empty days/nights

Someone invited me over for dinner after a busy day together. I wanted to go home and play hermit. When living alone, as time goes by, new routines emerge. To survive I have to figure out how to reconfigure meals, entertainment, social interaction, chores and personal growth (for example). Some are easier than others. I’ve about given up on trying to create my own healthy meals. I find it almost impossible to cook for one. I’m now going to try and find a frozen alternative. Yuck!

“Just because a man is a hermit doesn’t mean he’s hiding.” ― Paul Doiron

Everyone will face a next chapter as life passes like a river. The way we move forward to the next chapter is not guaranteed. Some people get stuck. Our progress depends on how we perceive ourselves, others and the situation we’re in. Progress itself can be subjective. How will I know when I’ve made a successful jump to that next chapter?

We all need wisdom to move on. Don’t withdraw and lean only on your own experience. Everyone does this as a safety response. But, there’s a wealth of information and knowledge that others have collected over time. Be careful about crackpots. My friendship circle has included many of those – some with PhD’s! Find people you trust to help you discover the wisdom you need. This takes some time and work. You’re worth it.

“When you’re a kid, if you watch ‘The Jeffersons’ with your family at seven o’clock, it seems like a natural phenomenon, like the sun setting. The universe is a strange, strange place when all of a sudden you can’t use your glass with the Bionic Woman on it any more.”  ― Heather O’Neill

Speaking of people, whenever life transitions take place, lean on others. Find people who you trust and talk about even the smallest of your fears and triumphs. Don’t withdraw into the cold comfort of that hermit rhythm. It’s really a spiral down the drain. Hard transitions are when we need others the most in our lives. This is especially difficult for males.

Make the next chapter count. I spent an evening out at a hard to find Tex-Mex cafe listening to a friend. Worked hard to keep my big mouth shut and just listen. I didn’t realize how meaningful this dinner was going to be. Isn’t it amazing how necessary it is just to be heard? To voice fear, frustration and failure is often all it takes to turn the page and start a new chapter.

Be reasonable with your past and even plans for the future.  It’s even more important to be reasonable with yourself, what needs to be done today. Just today is all that’s supposed to get finished. Today’s agenda: throw out the Thanksgiving leftovers.

“Real generosity towards the future lies in giving all to the present.” ― Albert Camus

“This Christmas mend a quarrel. Seek out a forgotten friend. Dismiss suspicion and replace it with trust. Write a letter. Give a soft answer. Encourage youth. Manifest your loyalty in word and deed. Keep a promise. Forgo a grudge. Forgive an enemy. Apologize. Try to understand. Examine your demands on others. Think first of someone else. Be kind. Be gentle. Laugh a little more. Express your gratitude. Welcome a stranger. Gladden the heart of a child. Take pleasure in the beauty and wonder of the earth. Speak your love, and then speak it again.” ― Howard W. Hunter

I’m not hanging any lights up before Thanksgiving, but I am ready to make my first wish of the Christmas season. It involves you, so keep reading. Surely there’s someone in your life, maybe even in your past who needs to hear a good word from you. To be honest, there’s two blessings that will happen. Not only will you arrive at just the right time and bring the rare gift of  encouragement but you’re also going to walk away with your own tank filled.

Years ago I decided I needed to track down my college freshman year roommate and apologize for being such a jerk. Once I found him, he was a gentleman and swore he didn’t know what I meant. But I came away feeling such a weight off my shoulders. All the effort was worth it. I’m still talking about it – not my own virtue but the tremendous value of apology.

This isn’t really what I’m advocating – going back and seeking forgiveness for all your mistakes. What I really think you should do is think about people in your life who need to hear from you, need to be reminded about how important they were and are in your life story.

“The unthankful heart discovers no mercies; but the thankful heart will find, in every hour, some heavenly blessings.”  ― Henry Ward Beecher

I was having a terrible couple of weeks. Praying for a lift out of those choppy seas. A colleague showed up out of the blue and sat down to share a plan of action. He has consistently gone out of his way to check on me and offer words of support. Later, on the way home, I received a message from a former student. She went on to get her PhD at Rice and is now a professor at UH. She sent me a link to a “blog” she had written.

Here’s the link. Go ahead and read it – get some inspiration.

The reason I’m pointing you here is not to toot my horn but I wanted you to see how significant this was for me to hear – at just the right time. It was an answer to prayer. Another way that God is keeping me from drowning. I remember when we were fighting cancer and people would say, “let me know if there’s anything you need.” All offered in good will. But after a time I started responding back, if there’s something you think about that you should do, then just do it, don’t ask for permission. That’s probably God giving you a nudge.

I need to be more spontaneous and make today count. What about you?

Again, there’s someone in your life that needs to hear back from you. You don’t need to write and publish a blog. A phone call, a thank you note, a lunch – something simple yet significant. Add some meaning to both your lives. All the time you are currently spending on that career, house, hobby, etc. is going to end up as dust. All the people in your life story – matter forever.

“You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Last week I took this former student out to lunch. We hadn’t seen each other for so many years. Suddenly I need to dispose of all the books in my life. I have an enormous library at my office and at home. Both collections need to go fast. After our lunch, I passed on a box of my books that she could use in her field. A very small way for me to keep the blessing going.

Now, what to do with all the rest of these books? Got any ideas?

Who is it you are thinking about right now? Who needs to hear from you?