My grandson is learning to tie his shoes. That’s always one of the major hurdles of childhood as I remember it. I told him that learning to tie my shoes was a big problem for me. As I think back on it, I managed my early years of school okay. Actually, I don’t remember any real obstacles to learning. It’s when I got to college that the big problems arose. Maybe learning to tie my shoes wasn’t such a problem because of me, maybe I didn’t have the best teachers? My grandson has terrific teachers. What a blessing!

Learning lessons like how to tie your shoes is one of the thousands of ways that we all get prepared for the bigger life that awaits us.

When I went off to college, like so many of my own students today, I wasn’t very prepared. Imagine that deer in the headlights image. Of course, I didn’t know how unready I was. When I got there, way back when, my instructors didn’t really know how to help unprepared students to learn. I was on my own in so many ways.

Things have changed a lot since then. As this semester draws to a close, most students were ready to finish , some not, I started thinking about how all of us get prepared life we see coming and so much we never imagine.

How did your Thanksgiving go? That’s always the first test of getting everything sorted, arranged and landed right on time. All to be wolfed down in15 minutes! It’s sort of like a trial run for the big Christmas event(s).  Christmas has the added elements of decorating, gifting and multiple events (not just a single feast). Did you learn anything last year to help you better manage this year?

As I’ve aged, there are now people in my circle who have decided to cut way back on all the preparation, tradition and rituals. It looks to me like what they are doing instead is replacing all that time and energy with people focused experiences. Who cares if the Christmas lights get hung or not? Accepting that invitation to catch up and rekindle a relationship seems more significant.

What can you begin to let go of so that you can hang on more tightly to what really matters?

When the semester ends, there are classic “characters” that enter the stage just like in Dicken’s A Christmas Carol. After almost 30 years of semesters, I can recite the lines of this play by heart. Despite all of my warnings, there are always a few who end with a crash and burn. I myself almost did many times when I was their age.

How DID I make it? I don’t remember. My years in college had me focused on so much time consuming activity. Involved in campus ministry organizations, a full time job, president of a service club, then getting engaged – who had time to do any learning?

“‎Though nobody can go back and make a new beginning… Anyone can start over and make a new ending.” ― Chico Xavier

A colleague was on a rant last week, angry about her students who didn’t seem very interested. The same feelings have plagued me. I wondered if it wasn’t a lack of curiosity, but a lack of preparation we were disappointed with? I never said a word in any of my college classes forty years ago. Maybe fearful that I’d be found out – the only one who didn’t belong. 

I’ve been trying to figure out all of my own college mistakes so that I can help my own students avoid some of the same problems. Maybe there are universal human problems that transcend time? Do you think some lessons we have to learn on our own, the hard way?

“I have learned all kinds of things from my many mistakes. The one thing I never learn is to stop making them.” ― Joe Abercrombie

Maybe the best way that we learn how to be prepared for living a better life is by learning from the good models all around us. Just like learning to tie our shoes.

How can you help someone in the days ahead get prepared? To truly celebrate? To make that next leap forward? To invest in what matters? To turn loose of something? To take a risk?

I spend a lot of time and energy thinking about getting prepared for my mysterious future. Maybe in that effort, I’m missing out on being prepared for what needs to be done TODAY?

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” ― Søren Kierkegaard

“I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought; and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder.” ― G.K. Chesterton

An 18-year-old was killed in a car crash this morning here in Houston. Police think it was street racing. All I could think about was a family gathering around the table on Thursday with an empty chair.

Will there be an empty chair at your table this year?

As we travel more miles down the road, we all realize how important it is to take the time to say what needs to be said to people in your life – to not let precious time slip away.

What needs to be said to that significant person in your life? Maybe to someone who has made a difference in someone else’s life? It could be a stranger that keeps crossing your path. A quiet person in your world that you can see would benefit from a little appreciation. What thanksgiving need to be said? Why don’t you be the one to do it?

What are you waiting for?

Almost everyone needs to hear a thank-you. These are becoming too rare. These words can be life changing for both parties. The giver and the receiver. Expressing and receiving thanks increases the health and happiness of both parties. It can also change the attitudes of bystanders – people who witness thankfulness. Gratitude has a ripple effect on both friends and strangers in our lives. It works in numerous ways to improve everyone’s life. Being thankful and expressing it out loud is one of the best ways to spread well-being where you are and even to people you’ll never meet.

What are you waiting for?

Sometimes, I think only the big things deserve a thanks. When people do something extraordinary, that’s when they expect and deserve my appreciation. But that’s not really the best way to live. What I want to start doing is looking for all the everyday and ordinary that need to be thanked. What if I don’t see that person again? Maybe tomorrow won’t get here. Just saying thanks here or there might be just what God wants from me.

Who needs a holiday?

What am I waiting for?

“Gratitude is the seed of gladness.” ― Lailah Gifty Akita

“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art…. It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.”

― C.S. Lewis

I’ve learned that I need to remind myself to smile as I walk about in the world with others. It always works. Not only is it contagious but my own cold heart warms up. I think it’s just what everyone needs, some good mood spread about. One of my students last week asked me (in class) why I didn’t ever smile. I sarcastically told this American history class it was because none of them had ever heard of Dwight David Eisenhower.

It never fails to amaze me when I hear out of a students’ mouth what they remember I’ve done or said in the past. Typically something I’m completely unconscious of doing or saying.

I used to lead orientations for new faculty. One thing I would remind everyone was that our students very rarely remembered the grand lessons they were taught. But they always remembered the person who was leading their class. Always make sure to make meaningful memories as your real self.

“Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.” ― Theodore Roosevelt

What can I do as I walk across campus each day and pass students heading into their futures? Mostly, I’m looking for ways to communicate somehow with people I don’t know. I’m fine with being that character on campus.

Seriously, as I walk to classes each day I can’t help but notice that there’s not much smiling happening. All these young people with their whole lives of promise ahead of them trudging along with a frown on their face. Way too much unhappiness on display. What can I do? 

I try to smile, ask a general question of each stranger, “Did you make it through Wednesday yet?” or later in the day, “Did you learn enough today?” It’s not that easy to say something. So many are wearing headphones or earbuds. Deliberately disconnected from social interaction for some reason. So, a smile or wave will have to do. Maybe a smile and encouraging word is all it takes to set the tone for a good day or end of the week.

At work, I’m wearing my funny costume so I always get noticed, my private college bow tie and a hat. A smile should also be required. Usually, as I’m walking to class I’m focused on trying to get my courage up – for the show that’s about to happen. Now is the time to notice everyone else.

“The two hardest tests on the spiritual road are the patience to wait for the right moment and the courage not to be disappointed with what we encounter.”
― Paulo Coelho

My own interactions at work have been dramatically reduced these days. I’m flying a mostly solitary trip through the clouds. What hasn’t changed are all these students sitting in class and passing me by on the sidewalks. Worried about their learning, trying to hold down a job, family stresses, surrounded by strangers, not very prepared for college (like I wasn’t), and working hard to make it through today.

Maybe a smile and and a little encouragement is just the blessing needed for today. No one can stop you from doing that!

“Instead of worrying about what you cannot control, shift your energy to what you can create.”  ― Roy T. Bennett

“On Friday night, I was reading my new book, but my brain got tired, so I decided to watch some television instead.” ― Stephen Chbosky

Americans are watching less television these days. All forms of TV watching are on the decline, live, binge watching, subscription, cable, you name it. Except at my house. I think over the past few years it’s on the rise! On average, one government study reported, we are watching just under three hours of TV a day. The older you are, that number increases.

Survey research tells us that almost 97% of American households have a TV. Only a third say that it would be very hard to give up their TV. Probably because we feel a little television guilt. The numbers are higher for those who would find it hard to give up their phone or internet (roughly half). Younger generations finding entertainment on phones and laptops.

TV is making me cry these days. All the human interest stories on the news. The grandma in the nursing home when all the preschoolers come to visit, the dog that gets rescued from the drainage ditch, the lovers reunited after the war. The biography of the NFL quarterback tonight?? These stories have always been on the TV. Why am I now having emotional reactions? I didn’t used to.

“We live in a world where joy and empathy and pleasure are all around us, there for the noticing.” ― Ira Glass

“What the mass media offers is not popular art, but entertainment which is intended to be consumed like food, forgotten, and replaced by a new dish.” ― W. H. Auden

As I scroll through my menu of choices, why do I keep ending up in the British Isles? I’m mad because my Netflix algorithm seems to only push me Hungarian programs dubbed into English. What’s the deal? I’ve got to cancel that subscription! It seems as if my attention is kept only by mysteries. Watching a comedy all alone doesn’t really work. The Brits have a lot of mystery series that I can follow while still grading or writing or painting. Some of those accents roll right past me.

I do make it a point to watch the news morning and evening. I’m so old that I remember in my childhood when we had two editions of the newspaper delivered, one in the morning and evening! I realize, watching the news religiously probably puts me into the senior adult category. I’m around college students every day who can’t put their phones down (if their lives depended on it!) yet they don’t know if it’s going to rain today? I have friends and family out of town who had no idea I was recently hit by a hurricane. You’d think that would have been on the news? What are people watching?

My morning news routine keeps me worried. I try to catch it late so that I can skip through the commercials. In the morning these are all about new drugs (with people dancing and singing despite their side effects?), Medicare extension plans and knee surgeries. See what I mean? News watching on TV must have become be a senior adult activity.

“Television is a medium of entertainment which permits millions of people to listen to the same joke at the same time, and yet remain lonesome.” ― T.S. Eliot

I honestly think the TV is on so much at my house so that there will be background voices playing – to keep me from living in too much silent isolation. Periodically I will leave the music channel playing when I leave the house. When I return home, the “haunted house” effect isn’t so bad – with a familiar tune playing.

My wife and I used to sit together and I’d put on TV programs that she requested. She didn’t have too many favorites. She would sit on the couch and tap away at her laptop all night long. I’d gripe that she wasn’t even watching. She would look over at me and then repeat every word and scene that had just transpired. I could never win. So, we kept watching her corny shows week after week.

When I pay more attention to my lifestyle, I put on the music and move to a different room. Much better. That TV with all those stupid programs dumbs me down. I watch a documentary periodically to keep from feeling too guilty. There’s some great stuff out there. Plus, I never run the risk of boring anyone else in the room!

What are you watching on TV?

What’s playing on your TV while you’re doing something else?

Is everyone in the room actually watching the TV together?

How difficult would it be for you to give up your TV?

I’m having roommate issues with mine!

“Seeing a murder on television… can help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.” ― Alfred Hitchcock

“I believe that what we become depends on what our fathers teach us at odd moments, when they aren’t trying to teach us. We are formed by little scraps of wisdom.” ― Umberto Eco

And it’s not even Father’s Day

I’ve had the privilege of witnessing a handful of young fathers in action – they give me hope for the future.  While watching video of my grandson playing soccer, I’m listening to young dads hollering out encouraging coaching from the sidelines. Did you see the recent story about the dad who trudged through the devastation of Hurricane Helene so that he could walk his daughter down the aisle? How do you think LeBron James feels these days, playing on the same NBA team with is son?

“My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.”  – Jim Valvano

I teach classes about fatherhood and often look at the latest numbers related to families in America. The trend hasn’t been in a positive direction. What most of our leaders don’t ever want to address is the real source of so many of our social problems. When kids grow up without a father, this sets them up for failures. We all suffer the consequences.

It’s almost impossible to find literature and research about fatherhood in the social sciences today. The after effects of the sexual revolution weren’t all positive. I think it makes many people too uncomfortable. Unfortunately, whole generations are being schooled in the academy with a strange propaganda that diminishes the essential role of fathers and nuclear families. The numbers don’t offer much support for this decades-long blindness.

“Being a role model is the most powerful form of educating…too often fathers neglect it because they get so caught up in making a living they forget to make a life.” ― John Wooden

Once they pass, we remember all of the big things and then all the little things that our fathers did for us. There is a photo of my wife’s mom and dad hanging on the wall that I walk past each day. They have now both left and traveled to heaven. They planted themselves deep in all of our lives. This memory I see each day reminds me that this beloved father and grandfather said and did so many things that kept our ship afloat. All he ever did, I mean literally, was give himself away for his family and others. That’s how he defined his life’s purpose. What an example to follow.

I heard from a grandfather today about his routine taking his grandchildren to school – they each list three things they were thankful for that day. I told him that constant ritual will be something they will always remember. He is planting this eternal habit into their lives. He is also making himself into a memory that will burn bright.

What did that dad in your life say or do that helped make you into who you are today? It’s worth remembering as often as you can.

“A father’s tears and fears are unseen, his love is unexpressed, but his care and protection remains as a pillar of strength throughout our lives.” ― Ama H. Vanniarachchy

“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.” ― Ambrose Bierce

I enjoy reading fan posts online after the game. Sometimes it helps me manage my own ranting. Do you think our reactions – the kind we keep hidden and those we hang out on the laundry line – reveal much about who we are right now? Do you think being a bit reflective about what bothers us and how we respond might help sometimes?

Probably, misery loves company. That’s why I like reading the comments from all the other people who are so angry about that dumb play call in the 4th quarter.

Sometimes, anger is really a steamed up broken heart that can’t figure out how to solve the problem. We all know, you can’t make people change until they want to. But we keep on trying, don’t we? Our angry outbursts are sometimes sourced in disappointment (at others and especially ourselves).

“I sat with my anger long enough until she told me her real name was grief.” ― C.S. Lewis

Maybe you’re really mad about something bigger? Something that’s waaaaay out of your control. The economy, your adult children, traffic, the weather…

Typically, a week later, I can’t even remember why I was so mad. Don’t you think there’s two kinds of anger? There’s immediate blow-up type that illicits a quickdraw reaction. Then we have the kind that simmers and stews like a pot of red hot chili on the back burner of your soul. This second type seems to work its way into other parts of life. Its a heartburning indigestion that won’t go away, despite all the Pepto you swallow.

“It is wise to direct your anger towards problems — not people; to focus your energies on answers — not excuses.” ― William Arthur Ward

Upon reflection, when I’m very, very angry and upset about my team losing – and when I shoot off my mouth too much about it, I end up being the one who really suffers the loss of down, the 15 yard penalty, and the sorrow in the locker room of my own life. It’s just a game that no one is going to remember in the very near future. But my transforming character is with me (and others) for much longer.

I want to be the kind of person that wins the chili cook-off, not the kind that stokes an acidic reflux days later. I don’t want anger to rule over my interactions with others. I’d like to give everyone else the benefit of a first down call, just as I’d like to receive it from others. How about you?

When you are angry, don’t let it carry you into sin. Don’t let the sun set with anger in your heart or  give the devil room to work.  – Ephesians 4:26-27

“Through others we become ourselves.” ― Lev S. Vygotsky

My friend experienced an early onset of dementia. He started losing his memory, his self really, too soon. It was a horrible tragedy that none us knew what to do about – we didn’t know how to help. We hardly even knew how to pray for him. He stopped knowing who we were.

Many people I know have aging parents who are falling apart in many ways. One significant way is the loss of memory. Think about those diagnoses that we have all heard about and fear. Science is working to figure it out – to solve this plague that seems to strike anyone. Television is filling up with commercials for the latest and greatest medical breakthrough. America loves to solve problems. This one is big and bad.

“The afternoon knows what the morning never suspected.” ― Robert Frost

I’m not that kind of scientist. But I started thinking about other possible reasons why people might experience feelings of confusion and disorientation as they progress down the path of living. What effects do you think all of those changes in life might have on us as we get older? Think about your identity and who you have always thought you were. 

At the start of the year here where I work, there is a traditional tug-of-war between the new freshman class and the upper class students (doesn’t seem fair?).  As I watch, year after year, the side that loses is always the one who has the most participants turn loose of the rope at once. That side loses it’s strength. I’m thinking about what happens when we turn loose of our own rope.

What do we lose as our life begins to change course?

There are physiological changes to the brain that cause serious memory loss and dementia. Some of these changes happen frighteningly early. What I’m noticing is changes in people’s identity as they age that might also cause a serious sense of loss to one’s sense of self. Remember, as start out in life as an adult, we add to our identity; new job, new spouse, new friends. When we come to the latter half, we begin to lose parts of who we have been; divorce or death, career, retirement, home, children, friends, etc.

A handful of my friends have lost a parent in the past few months. Others have parents in decline. One day that part of their identity, care giving adult child will be gone. Grandchildren will grow up and no longer need babysitting. Downsizing means you’re not needed at work anymore. Health concerns can cause big changes in your lifestyle. Moving to a smaller home or new location, where did all your friends go?

Now who are you? Many of those blocks you always used to build that answer are gone.

We worry so much about others who are experiencing Alzheimer’s, dementia, stroke, Parkinson’s, etc. As well we should! But I was thinking about another kind of loss and the effects these must be having on the people in my life. On who they thought they were.

We all have friends and family going through these losses. Sometimes they can tumble on us at once. The loss is often also to our identity. I’m going to pay more attention to my circle and spend some time listening.

“It’s not the endings that will haunt you
But the space where they should lie,
The things that simply faded
Without one final wave goodbye.”
― Erin Hanson

I got to hold and play with someone else’s grandchild Saturday at the football game. Didn’t seem to matter that we weren’t related. They are all fun to be with…when their parents have had them napped, fed and prepped. Also, when the parent is right their to “pass the ball to” in the event of an emotional outbreak. We had a great time at the game that night. I got to have the perfect fan in my lap!

“Kids are hard -they drive you crazy and break your heart- whereas grandchildren make you feel great about life, and yourself, and your ability to love someone unconditionally, finally, after all these years.” ― Anne Lamott

It’s hard to explain to friends without their own or to young parents, what it’s like. When the big day arrives and your grandchild enters your life and you are forever changed.  I often feel as if I’m going to explode. How could you love someone so much? My grandson and now granddaughter are different people each time we meet. Living far away means they grow up faster and faster. Everything is evolving, who they are and who we are together.

This is a brand new kind of relationship. It’s keeping me going in so many ways. My wife got to witness the arrival of our first and watch him crawl and take his first steps. The first grandchild is always the Little Prince or Cinderella. There are two now in my little family. Since my wife has traveled on to heaven, I feel like I need to love these grandchildren twice as hard.  It’s an easy mission.

FIRST RULE: Grandparent’s house is the land of never say no. Send ’em home once they’re all jacked up with candy. My 6-year-old went home today with his pockets full of cough drops he thought he’d smuggled under my nose.

My own grandparents helped me to survive in so many ways. I try to model after each one in different ways. Each made unique contributions, without even realizing what a big deal they were. We spent a lot of time at their house. The tree house in the backyard was an incredible experience but the real purpose was to get us out of the house and from under foot. The only granddaughter, my sister, received hand sewn dresses. Back before Target had been invented. My grandmother was a creative soul – a perfect escape from the humdrum.

My two grandchildren are every day in my thoughts (and prayers). There are too many photos all around. How could I forget either one? I’m able to follow their adventures daily from afar with photo and video uploads. Sometimes we Zoom and for a few minutes of attention I get to interact. It’s priceless time. How did grandparents survive before Wi-Fi?

SECOND RULE: During our all too brief visits, squeeze as much fun in as you can tolerate. Keep everyone busy. The TV is only for when you start getting dizzy. It’s a race to see who falls asleep first, you or them. It doesn’t seem to matter how late they stay up, my grandchildren are up and ready to roll before 6am. Those early school days have them ruined.

My grandchildren don’t live in town anymore, so I just see them a few times a year. It’s very hard to watch them grow up from afar. Heartbreaking if you want to know the truth. I’m glad we have technology today that shortens that distance. When they do visit, it’s like a second Christmas for me. What fun can we squeeze in before bedtime?

At night, my 6-year-old grandson is a very dramatic sleeper. Tossing and turning, moaning and groaning, urgent statements bellowing forth now and then. He probably grows half an inch by early morning when he pops up. I’m never fully asleep, only on the edge as he works through his drama through the night. But, as one who lives in a quiet, lonely house, it’s a joy to have a rowdy sleepover a few times a year.

What’s always strange is that when they leave I’m shocked at all that didn’t go as planned. I thought I’d be playing on the floor more? Why am I so tired? That activity was supposed to take longer? Why did we get up so early? And I’m just as surprised every time they visit then leave so quickly-  next time we’ll do that, for sure.

THIRD RULE: Be sure to work in some meaningful time, especially as they get older. Reading a book together, sharing photos/stories, take a walk and share your own story. Neither one could remember what we had for dinner last night! Who knows what will stay after all those walks. But in the days to come, a memory will come to flower.

“The simplest toy, one which even the youngest child can operate, is called a grandparent.” ― Sam Levenson

The Lord had said to Abram, “Leave your native country, your relatives, and your father’s family, and go to the land that I will show you. I will make you into a great nation. I will bless you and make you famous, and you will be a blessing to others.  I will bless those who bless you and curse those who treat you with contempt. All the families on earth will be blessed through you.”  Genesis 12:1-3

*God changed his name to Abraham later

All three of our monotheistic religions; Judaism, Christianity and Islam all claim Abraham as a patriarch. As bad as their conflicts have been over the centuries, these faiths have much in common.

I was thinking about Father Abraham this week. Usually, the focus is on his faith as he heard this call from God, picked up his family and went out into who knows where in obedience. It’s always been a foundational lesson that we’ve heard over and over again. Very important. But you realize he had never attended VBS. He didn’t have a Bible to consult. There was not Wednesday night prayer meeting to lay it all out before. Faith in God was just starting. He was going to be one of the pioneers.

What I kept thinking about this week was all the loss that he had to have experienced. This typically gets ignored in our trumpet blowing about his wonderful example of faith. He and his people left behind all that they knew and drew comfort from, packed up a new kind of life, and headed out into uncertainty. Remember, the only one who heard any heavenly directions was Abraham.

He was living in a town, not out on the prairie ranching. He was herding some cattle, but living in a town meant he was probably doing some other sorts of business with his extended family. Maybe he was trading? Maybe he was setting up a chain of coffee shops? What if there were craftsmen in the family? People live in towns because being around populations of people because it’s good for business.

Abraham was leaving behind a whole way of life and starting up a new one. They had to cash in their valuables, real estate, fancy clothes, etc. and head over to the the Academy store to buy a bunch of tents and Levi’s. They were going to live “on the move” and in uncertainty instead of the predictable comfort of daily routines.

They had been living a life surrounded by familiar family and friends and were now heading out with just their immediate group – even though that was much larger than what we think of as a nuclear family. For some reason they took nephew Lot with them. So that made the group a little larger. Maybe he was the black sheep of the larger family and all were happy to have him hit the road?

What you don’t realize you need until it’s no longer there is the wise counsel your family (dad) provides when needed. Abraham left his father, we call this the family of orientation – the group you’re born into – it helps you get your bearings in the world. Well, Abraham would no longer have a compass to depend on when making decisions while on the move (on the run) in a foreign land.

Everyone had to learn how to sleep on the ground, eat new sorts of food, figure out how to read those setting up a tent instructions, there was no internet in Canaan land! Have you ever had the experience of being the new kid introduced to the class? Trying to fit in to your new neighborhood where all the kids already know each other and have friends? Abraham’s family were always going to be the new kids in town. They left behind their status and situation in Haran. Something they were always reminded of when they packed up and moved on when the grazing seasons changed.

I’m sure it was an adventure in many ways but this week I was thinking about the constant sense of loss that Abraham and his family had to always experience with each move. I grew up in a military city – a lot of friends who spent their growing up years moving around when new orders to pack up and head to a different base arrived. I went off to college in a new town and then once we got married, we lived in three different cities during our 35 years of marriage. But never in a tent with livestock!

God was right beside Abraham all along the way as he moved through what would be known as the Promised Land. He made a big promise to Abraham. It has been shaking the earth ever since. That whole family carried their loss with them and never experienced the fulfillment of God’s promise first hand. But they went out and carried all their luggage in faith.

“Mostly it is loss which teaches us about the worth of things.” ― Arthur Schopenhauer

We all know loss, one way or another. We all walk into the unknown at times. These days, when I take my steps into the mysterious tomorrow, friends are always asking about my big plan. I wonder what Abraham kept hollering to everyone in the backseat when they kept asking him the same question?

The path we walk is charted by faith, not by what we see with our eyes. 
2 Corinthians 5:7

“People who smile while they are alone used to be called insane, until we invented smartphones and social media.” ― Mokokoma Mokhonoana

In a recent survey of 24 nations across the globe, Americans were the least likely to feel close to people in their country and in their local community.

One survey in Great Britain found that 40% of adults had gone three days without a face-to-face contact with another person. The number is higher for younger adults and for females.

Seems like the world we are building might have some fatal side effects.

Let me throw this out for your thinking:

There are many explanations for the disconnection we are measuring. I wonder if part of the explanation could be related to the casual nature of our social interactions.

• Our casual culture is evident in the ways people dress when they get together.
• Communication technology allows us to quickly stay in touch without much thoughtful reflection or depth.
• I study religion and see casual worship as a move that pushes personal comfort and experience past reverence and sacrifice.

I know it doesn’t make common sense. You’d think becoming more casual would remove barriers and allow people to become MORE connected. In some ways, this is probably true. But the real problem is the thinking behind a casual culture that focuses too much attention on the self and away from others – in subtle yet powerful ways.

• I just want to wear something comfortable
• Church should be a place where I can be myself
• Sending out quick texts helps me stay connected

When we dress-down, communicate conveniently, and worship in ways that are about my feelings – basically we are aligning our focus on ourselves. Too much self-centeredness can spell disaster for meaningful relationships. Building and keeping healthy connections typically call for risk, sacrifice, listening, and time.

This is how U.S. Senator John Fetterman of Pennsylvania goes to work. Is he an anomaly or a trend? I’m certain he is much more comfortable dressed like this. I wonder how the people of his state, who he represents, feel when their senator comes to work like this? The Senate decided to adopt a written dress code after he started showing up in a hoodie.

Last week I had an “insiders” tour of the multi-billion dollar headquarters of a Top Ten Fortune 500 corporation. It was mind blowing. One of the many takeaways for me was learning that there was a dress code for all employees. This is probably true for all major organizations. I work at a university. My impression has been that the dress code has become much more casual for the past 30 years – for both students and their families. Hot pants are back!

I’ve written before about the trend toward casual Christianity. In my study of the history of how people practice religion, the ways we gather, worship and communicate have changed considerably since the end of WW2. The lyrics of worship songs, the dress codes, the topics of sermons, the presentation styles of preachers, cups of coffee in the pew, these are all examples of the move toward making the weekly practice of going to church much, much less formal (and maybe less reverent?).

There’s nothing new under the sun. During the Middle Ages, most people didn’t have dress clothes to wear to worship. Everyone came as they were. Reading historical records from the time, it’s very shocking to discover the crude behavior that took place in those sacred spaces. Way beyond casual. Drinking coffee in the pew pales in comparison.

Writing letters and sending cards is on the decline. Probably due to the advance of our communication technology. But is that a sign of a more casual culture? Sending a text message instead of a phone call is faster and more convenient. It’s also less personal and much more informal. Some expressions deserve time and attention, don’t you think? What are the new rules about that?

I also wonder if this casualness in several aspects of our culture might be spilling over to our relationships. What’s holding us all together? A few text messages here and there? A close friend of mine explained the ritual between she and her out-of-town adult son. He makes a phone call to her almost every week. No special topic, but the ritual catch up helps to hold things together. I’ve been there when another friend religiously calls his mom every Sunday. Instead of, “I’ll call when I think about it” or “If you need anything, send me a text.” Rituals are formalized actions that help us to keep doing what’s important.

Does a more casual lifestyle at work, with friendships and family, even at church actually fuel higher levels of self-centeredness? Over time, does that weaken relationships and social bonds? Does it really matter what we wear, how we sing at church or if we call our mom?

Something to think about…

“One out of every four of us is walking around with no one to share our lives with. Being social makes our lives better. Yet every indication is that we are getting less social, not more.” ― Matthew D. Lieberman,