“Through others we become ourselves.” ― Lev S. Vygotsky

My friend experienced an early onset of dementia. He started losing his memory, his self really, too soon. It was a horrible tragedy that none us knew what to do about – we didn’t know how to help. We hardly even knew how to pray for him. He stopped knowing who we were.

Many people I know have aging parents who are falling apart in many ways. One significant way is the loss of memory. Think about those diagnoses that we have all heard about and fear. Science is working to figure it out – to solve this plague that seems to strike anyone. Television is filling up with commercials for the latest and greatest medical breakthrough. America loves to solve problems. This one is big and bad.

“The afternoon knows what the morning never suspected.” ― Robert Frost

I’m not that kind of scientist. But I started thinking about other possible reasons why people might experience feelings of confusion and disorientation as they progress down the path of living. What effects do you think all of those changes in life might have on us as we get older? Think about your identity and who you have always thought you were. 

At the start of the year here where I work, there is a traditional tug-of-war between the new freshman class and the upper class students (doesn’t seem fair?).  As I watch, year after year, the side that loses is always the one who has the most participants turn loose of the rope at once. That side loses it’s strength. I’m thinking about what happens when we turn loose of our own rope.

What do we lose as our life begins to change course?

There are physiological changes to the brain that cause serious memory loss and dementia. Some of these changes happen frighteningly early. What I’m noticing is changes in people’s identity as they age that might also cause a serious sense of loss to one’s sense of self. Remember, as start out in life as an adult, we add to our identity; new job, new spouse, new friends. When we come to the latter half, we begin to lose parts of who we have been; divorce or death, career, retirement, home, children, friends, etc.

A handful of my friends have lost a parent in the past few months. Others have parents in decline. One day that part of their identity, care giving adult child will be gone. Grandchildren will grow up and no longer need babysitting. Downsizing means you’re not needed at work anymore. Health concerns can cause big changes in your lifestyle. Moving to a smaller home or new location, where did all your friends go?

Now who are you? Many of those blocks you always used to build that answer are gone.

We worry so much about others who are experiencing Alzheimer’s, dementia, stroke, Parkinson’s, etc. As well we should! But I was thinking about another kind of loss and the effects these must be having on the people in my life. On who they thought they were.

We all have friends and family going through these losses. Sometimes they can tumble on us at once. The loss is often also to our identity. I’m going to pay more attention to my circle and spend some time listening.

“It’s not the endings that will haunt you
But the space where they should lie,
The things that simply faded
Without one final wave goodbye.”
― Erin Hanson