“Now the wren has gone to roost and the sky is turnin’ gold
And like the sky my soul is also turnin’
Turnin’ from the past, at last and all I’ve left behind”
― Ray Lamontagne, God Willin’ & the Creek Don’t Rise

Should I make some changes? I’ve certainly got a list going. Usually, I’m not one that needs the reminder of a new year to think about what’s not working in my life. Now that I’m walking the trail alone and wrestling with several big catastrophes there’s much more reflection happening each day as I look in the mirror.

Yes, this is the season for reflection and resolutions. A little more than 40% of Americans report that they make some sort of resolution for the new year. Usually about living a healthier life. Most don’t last more than 2-3 months. Here’s a 2024 survey. 

When the COVID-19 pandemic hit and higher education went into a lock down mode of instruction, what I did each week drastically changed. It also seemed to happen all of a sudden.  There wasn’t much time to get used to what this new format of learning was going to be like. Most of what I did was filmed and recorded. There was very little physical contact with students. Those in the class sat far away and were masked up. Impossible to read body language on those kinds of faces.

Every class session was recorded and uploaded. As I watched and listened to each class, it didn’t take long for me to be horrified at how I was coming across. Mostly, I couldn’t believe how the recordings of my class presentations sounded. Was that really me? Had I always spoken like that? Why did no one ever tell me?

After watching and hearing these recorded sessions, I realized that I was not coming across as the professor that I thought I was. I sounded more like a panel member from a 1970’s TV game show. 

What a reminder. Sometimes I think I’m very aware of what I need to fix about my life and at other times, I’m completely blind. Most of the time we don’t have a recording following us around. But we do have trusted friends and family, right?  I will always need others around me to help me get a clear picture of who I really am. We all do. I recently wrote about the blessing of getting some unexpected positive feedback – check it out here.

“We always see our worst selves. Our most vulnerable selves. We need someone else to get close enough to tell us we’re wrong. Someone we trust.” ― David Levithan

As human beings develop, they acquire the ability to view themselves as they imagine others see them. It’s called being “reflexive.” This is why the way we talk to our children is so important. Those messages get internalized and are used to build our emerging selves. The ability to view oneself within a larger social context – like your family, teachers and friends – is how we construct a healthy and complete self.  The people that I have grown up with and continue to have around me, help to shape who I think I am – in mostly good ways. 

New technology means that everything today is being photographed and filmed. This is wonderful for me as a grandfather. I have access to the daily lives of my grandchildren in ways that previous generations never did. What a blessing! I’m also able to see short video clips of interactions I have. Again, is that really me? What doesn’t help is that I’m typically using “kidspeak” when talking with my grandchildren. But, I’m still shocked each time I hear and see myself.

Typically, these video clips capture a magic moment, but there I am, looking and sounding like the hobo who lives under the bridge. I need to start tucking in my shirt, combing my hair and sitting up straight. That ought to help, right?

“It’s not the appearance that makes a man, it’s the man that makes an appearance.” ― Anthony Liccione

Who are you going to be in 2024? The same person you were in 2023? Are you making steps toward your future self? A more attentive partner. The employee who’s becoming more dependable. Spending more of your energy on eternal concerns and less on the urgent tyrannies. Just a step toward your tomorrow self? Moving away from what’s not working?

I’m building my list. Off to a good start. I end up writing things down. There’s no backseat driver in my life. I do believe God’s Spirit resides in me and gives me all kinds of nudges. Am I listening today?

“Let us cultivate our garden.” ― Voltaire

When I set goals, I’m also reminded of my failures and constant effort to get back on track. You’d think by this time in my senior citizen life I’d have so much figured out. I’m still a work in progress. There are TWO BIG TRUTHS that I have come to believe related to change, success and failure:

1. Success isn’t as important as continual effort. When you get up again and believe that you are worth one more try, it keeps the fires stoked. It’s not arriving, but moving forward that transforms us.
2. I don’t think God leaves us hanging all on our own. He is going to complete his purpose in my life (sometimes, even despite me).

“Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.” ― Winston S. Churchill

There may be some things that just have to be accepted. Bringing home house plants again and again and just watching them die a slow death… Fighting squirrels in my attic… Sounding like an odd ball on every recording may be my constant failures.

But I’m not going to quit on all the rest.

“The only things you learn are the things you tame…”― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry